Your star

I hate going to bed with my head all messed up. Thoughts tangled, sheets tossed, eyes shut, chest tight, trying to block it out. But it's there. And it keeps me awake even when I'm so very desperate to drift away.

So Close

Oh how I've been thinking so much lately. Especially today, hence this post. Please bear with me (whoever is out there?) as I attempt to make some sort of sense of my muddled thoughts.

I've been feeling uneasy a lot and probably a little more restless than I usually am. I just feel like I do so little now. Go to work, be with friends, clean my room, take care of Bella. Mainly, I just want to be at school- I feel some crazy urge to learn and study- to move forward- but I'm stuck and it's maddening. The mind is meant to be enlightened, we're meant to progress. I see everyone around me going to school and learning, honing whatever skills are crucial to their future. Sometimes its hard to imagine mine. What do I even want to do? I think I want something, and then I just don't. I'm going to start reading my old textbooks soon if this doesn't improve.

But I really shouldn't complain, I have so many good things, and I've been so much happier recently and consistantly, than I can remember being in a while. It's nice to have people around me; to feel wanted. It's nice to know that there are arms that will welcome you. Arms to hold you. So few people ever feel that. So few people have known the blessings that I've been given. I don't know, I feel ungrateful for even having that sad feeling in my stomach and my head. It doesn't belong here in my string of happy events. But of course I don't blog unless I'm sad most times, unfortunate as that is.

I don't really even fully know why I feel the way I do. It largely has to do with a great book I just finished, Looking for Alaska. I read it cover to cover today. Amazing book. Definitely makes it into my top. And I can't shake the feelings of discontent it gave me. Let's see.. here's a quote that summed it up nicely: "That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him the world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without." That's the feeling I have, and I don't understand it. But in the book, he talks about forgiveness and how forgiving, and understanding that we are forgiven as well is the only way to escape the "labyrinth of suffering," and that somehow we never fully die. That we cannot fail because we are greater than the sum of our parts. I know I'm just randomly throwing things out, but I just feel so affected and I don't know how to fully explain or even comprehend how I feel. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness myself.

Restless and searching for something unknown. But that's just life I suppose- looking for the "Great Perhaps."

I feel like there's more that I should write, but I just don't know what to say. Today's quote is from Little Hotel - Modest Mouse

"I know that I don't want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry."

Until

I won't even go into my routine "I haven't blogged in ages" speech, it's just obviously been long time. But honestly I haven't had a lot to blog about, not a whole lot of huge feelings at least. And not until this month. I dedicated all of November to writing a first draft of a novel, which I am proud to say is currently at 50, 393 words; I just have a lot of stuff to edit and add now. I love the story, and any feelings I was having in November, I got to write out in my story. It was rejuvenating, and I really want to start dedicating a lot of time to my writing. Ali writes constantly and that's how she's gotten so good. Anyway, that and working at Harris Teeter and school work has been taking up almost all of my time. (By the way, I am DONE with school!)

But I figured I should blog with everything that I'm feeling tonight. It's a strange, bittersweet emotion that's filling me up. First of all, let me just say that this year my Christmas was wonderful. My family is getting along great and I love them with all my heart. I can feel Christ's presence in my life again and I'm working towards gaining a better relationship with Him and my Heavenly Father. It's difficult, I won't lie. But that light in my life is something that I need.

So it really isn't my own life that has been weighing heavily on my mind. It's the people around me. Everyone is going through an awful, awful time. Family after family after family is struggling and in pain and being ripped apart. It's the families that are being attacked and it hurts my heart to think about it. Especially since they are people that I know and love so very much.

There is such a great amount of death and pain and sadness. I know that it is a part of life; I guess I just worry too much. I try to be an optimist, but sometimes when I'm alone with just my own thoughts, it's hard to think like that.

My dad is over in rural Angola for the next 11 months as I mentioned a couple entries ago, back before I knew the details. We've been keeping in touch through email and it's been nice. Ali and I got to go on vacation with our Texas family right before Thanksgiving, and I loved that. I really hope that we get to keep in better touch with them. I worry about Daddy Wayne a lot with him being over there. I know he's okay, but I can't help but think about it. And think about the poor people that live over there where he is at; he says it's an awfully impoverished place.

But I don't want to talk about that anymore =/

Let's see, in the love department (I always have to talk about this stuff) things have actually changed quite a bit. It wouldn't seem like it, but there's been a significant change in me. As you would know if you ever read this blog, there has been someone who I've hopelessly wanted to be with for ages. Like... over 4 years now. And I just don't anymore. I still care and worry for him, and love him with all my heart, but I've gotten over him. Not "done with him" in an angry way or anything. But just, genuinely, I've realized that he's not good for me, and that I'm probably not good for him either. And I came to see that we're never going to be the same people again as much as I wish we would be. I don't feel that insane gravitation towards him, or feel as intensely about him. I never thought that it was true, but I guess time really does heal everything, just sometimes in a slow process. It's odd though- relieving, but at the same time it's left an emptiness.

I don't see myself with anyone now. It used to always be him. And maybe a couple months ago I would have told you that I could see myself with a boyfriend, but I just can't anymore. I won't go over it again, but I want so very much for someone to understand and take care of me. And I genuinely don't see myself ever opening up like that again. I've so carefully laid up a wall that I can't take down anymore. For some reason I don't completely understand, I burst out in tears today when a love song came on. (Which is not usual; I really don't remember the last time I'd cried before that.)

It's become a game without me realizing that it's happened. I talk to guys just long enough to see if I can win them over. Doesn't matter if their cute or whatever. But I don't like them and it's unfair. I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm getting texts and calls and having to avoid. I hate myself for it sometimes and I have to quit. It's mean.

But, in happier news, everyone is home for break. And I'm so grateful for it. It's so nice to have us all together. Being with Lindsay and Sarah and Emma and Katie makes me feel a little more like a teenager and a lot more loved. As long as I have them, I have no reason to complain.

I am extremely blessed to have the life that I do, and I don't want to create the illusion on here that I don't think that. Because I know I have a wonderful life. Everyone has to live with struggles and doubts. It's just how we learn to deal I guess.

Well, goodnight. It's 3am and I need some rest. Quote tonight is from "Little Death" by +44.

"And every night our lonely planet slides across the universe. And I won't pretend I understand."

Where the Birds Always Sing

Well, I'm back sooner than I thought I would be- this will be short though. The weekend kind of got worse last night, and, to put it in Ali's words, I "got everything that was coming" to me. I think that I could have rounded up a firing squad of people that I've hurt. Blah. Anyway, tonight's another lonely one, I'm missing a few people right now- three people to be exact. All of them much too far out of my reach- in more than one way.

I wish I was going away to college in the spring. I wish I was even able to go to a university then. But I made my own bed. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I just want to make sure I'm not missing out on life.

I wish that love could just be love, and anger could be anger, and joy could be joy. I wish that regrets could be dealt with and memories could stay as simply memories. I wish that truth would always win out and being yourself could always be as simple as it should be. I wish there weren't reasons to cover emotions and that sadness could be accepted as just that. I wish that nostalgia could be easier to deal with. I wish that dreams of the past didn't exist as a constant reminder. I wish this world was a better place. I wish there was a way to ease everyone's pain.

Anyway, I've gone into rambling mode, so I'll quit that.

I've just been thinking recently, I really want to be a worthwhile person, you know? I want to be interesting and worthy of love and full of life and joy. I want to be someone who is deserving of real love. And I guess that's why it's been so long since I've had someone who cared about me for me and who I was able to open to, because I'm just not there. Who cares about this home-schooled girl who left school because of lack of confidence and has spent the last year and a half wasting time and hiding her heart? What is there for people to get to know about me? I can flirt, but what's beneath that? I'm not even sure if I know anymore. And this isn't who I want to be. I want to be happy and loving and capable and talented and beautiful. And I'm not. No one can love a shell, and a shell isn't capable of loving either. And maybe that's part of the problem, no one needs me anymore; I have always felt like I needed to protect and help my friends. And they just don't need me anymore and I think it's taken away part of me. I don't know. It's late and I'm probably just thinking too much. This is probably one of those times where self-reflection isn't in my best interest.

I Keep My Secrets Safe

It's been a long time since I've written- I've started a journal now so I haven't needed to write as much. But today has just been a pretty awful day and I honestly just need someone to talk to. Sarah and her boyfriend just broke up so I definitely can't complain to her, and my mom is incredibly stressed out about her new job. And I don't know, I hate calling up people to whine. I hate being weak. I want to be okay and be strong. I mean, things aren't really that bad at all, it's just been a bad day.

I found out last night that my dad (the biological one) is taking a job in a rough part of Africa. I don't know all the details yet. And I know it sounds dumb considering I've only seen him twice in the past four years, but it's still scary. I do love him, and I'm worried for him. And I'm worried for my mom with this new job... she's going to be working a lot and I don't want this to be like her old job at MMG. I mean, she'll be making a lot more money, but I'm scared for her. It's going to be a big change. And I'm worried about Sarah and Emma and the respective problems that they're dealing with. And it's all a little overwhelming, because there's nothing I can do.

Things have just been so weird lately. I'm working a lot, and I like my job, but I'm also not going anywhere with my schoolwork. I mean, I could get done half a course in a week over the summer when I had time to sit down and do it. But I guess I feel so unmotivated. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to make a difference, and I want to be happy. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm thinking I may just stay here and go to CPCC until next fall. Which I hate, because I know that I can do better. I know that I'm not living up to my potential. But I guess it's mostly fear. And now I feel like I've trapped myself with no other options. But it's only a year, and I can live with that.

But all that isn't even what's been getting me so down all day, that's more of the icing on the cake type thing- or whatever the negative equivalent to that metaphor is. I feel so lost, like I don't belong in my own skin. I don't feel like myself, and I've felt really lonely lately. I keep on talking to/dating these guys, and every time it's the same. In the beginning I get really excited and think things are going to be great. 2 weeks in and it's done. I lose all interest. It's draining me and I don't even want to deal with guys anymore. I'm just done with having to go through the same disappointment every time when it's just not there. And I hate leading them on. I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to keep hurting myself. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is there no one out there that's even close to right for me? I know I'm only 18, but I haven't had actual feelings in a relationship in a long time. I get so mad at myself, and I don't know how to fix it. And now that Sarah and Emma are gone, I don't have anyone here that I'm real friends with. I haven't just "hung out" with someone since they left. It's always with some guy, and I'm tired of it. And I hate that these guys think they really like me and are into me- and they don't even know me! They don't even bother to get to know me. I don't even know the last time that someone actually liked me for me. But that's probably my fault too. I don't know how to open up to people anymore. I don't even know if I want anyone close to me anymore. I feel so lost.

I wish I could just go back, you know? To change things, or relive them, or whatever. But I guess that's the whole point, I can only move forward, and if I keep trying to go back, I'll just keep making the same mistakes like I've been doing for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to drive myself over the edge you know- go crazy, make lots of new mistakes, not do the right thing for once, but I can't make myself do it. I don't want to, it's not who I am. I just wish I had a friend here to lean on =/ Someone who knows me. But I guess I've said that a few times already. It's late, I should probably go, I'm really just rambling now. I just don't want to go to bed with this sad feeling in my chest.

Goodnight; tonight's quote is from Heart's a Mess by Gotye.

"You have lost too much, love, to fear, doubt, and distrust- It's not enough. You just threw away the key to your heart."

Addicted to Love

Well it's only been three weeks and already so much has changed. Time seems to pull everything apart, constantly reaping and sewing, leaving us all unsure of what the end product will be.

I won't be leaving for Western Carolina until January... Which I thought could be a good thing, but I'm not thinking that so much anymore. I'll be staying here and working and trying to do all that I can. I don't know. It will definitely be hard to watch Emma and Sarah leave. I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, I will. But still. I love them both so much, and I hate to be lonely.

And of course I worry. I worry so much about them. About if they're going to be okay, I don't like feeling displaced when people need me. That's what shoves wedges between me and people. I can't stand the thought of it, so I pull away. And it's hard to reconnect after the distance. And it gets harder every time. I don't know if that makes much sense really.

Tonight I finished reading The Host, it was my second time. I love it. It's my favorite book. It never fails to make me sad though; the way that she has wandered for so long and finally finds a place where she belongs and is loved. And all of the overwhelming compassion they feel for each other, and those dynamics. After it's over, it always leaves me empty. For hours I can get lost in this world where someone can find a home, and even through the longing and desperation and sadness, love still comes out on top, and it just fills me up with all the emotion- the good and the bad. And when it's done, it drains me. It's like, all that just leaves. And then it's over. Just, over. All that's left is yearning for something more.

I guess I'm just in a melancholy mood. And mostly beyond words. I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don't know how to.

I just hate that I had something dangled in front of my eyes, the one thing I really want. And for a split second I thought I had it. But the joke is on me. It was snatched away. I feel like I'll never have it.

Ugh. Alright, I'm tired. I should leave. Just let me say that I won't give up hope. One day it will all be right. I will find the things I want, even if I can't actually feel that now. I will force patience and hope.

And, I have a quote from The Host.

"It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it"

Waiting for You

One month and I'm gone. That's it. In one month, I will be sitting in my dorm room at Western Carolina as long as everything goes according to plan.

Taking little trips down memory lane probably isn't the best thing for me, but oh well. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me terribly sad. Things have changed so much but I just can't find the significance of it all. I know it's there, but in the past year so little has changed, except me. The things that did happen, feel surreal. But maybe thats just a way to deal. Ah who knows.

I'm getting really frustrated with everything. I've been kind of a grump lately, but I try not to show it too much.

There are just times that I feel totally invisible. I don't understand it. It's like one second it's all there and everything is good, and then it's like you aren't even there. I mean, I can deal with it, and I do. I've gotten to the point these days where I'm pretty strong and things don't upset me like they used to, but it still bothers me. It always bothers me.

And I know I already talked about it, but I'm really worried my birthday is going to suck. I mean, I thought about it today and this year I really want it to be better than the last two. I mean, on my 16th birthday I found out Connor liked Taryn again and I spent the whole day pretty much just being sad. And then my 17th I went to a church dance, which was even worse. The dance was terrible and the night ended with Emma and Sarah both being super sad. I got some cute clothes though, so that was a plus.

But I really want this one to not suck. And if we go to the concert, I don't think it will. But still, I don't know if it we'll actually be able to go. Just turning eighteen in general will kind of stink in its own way.

And I guess to be honest, lately I've just been jealous. I've tried so hard not to be, but I am. Emma fell in love with this amazing guy this year and he loves her and she gets that whole amazing experience, and she's just such a great person. And Sarah, everyone loves Sarah. I mean, she is just infectious and makes people fall in love with her. Guys fall all over her. And it's hard for me to watch. I am so proud of her and the fact that she is so great and loveable is part of why she's my best friend, but I can't help but feeling like I'm second rate. It's not that I think badly of myself, but everyone wants to be wanted. And I want that. I want to just feel like someone I want, wants me back. I want to feel at home. I know it's so angsty teenager, but I want that boy. I want one who wants to know, and wants to listen, that I don't have to watch what I say around. I want one who appreciates me and who cares. And if I can't have those things yet, thats okay. But I wish that I had a sign that it was possible. It just seems so farfetched right now.

And I miss talking to one of my friends. A lot. I wish I could call him up now to talk. And I hate that I can't. I hate that everyone around me can go to him about their problems and get a hug and nice words, but that he's the one person that can't be there for me anymore. It sucks you know =/ sometimes it just really, really sucks. Because sometimes he's the one person I need.

Anyways, now that I've gotten all that out, I'd better go. The quote is With Me by Sum 41.

"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt,
Pieces of memories fall to the ground."

Everlasting Friend

So, I feel like a lot has happened in the past month and a half, and I've been majorly slacking with my entries. Hopefully I'll get a little better. I know that I'm going to forget half of what I wanted to say.

Tonight I started writing again. I'm close to 13,000 words now, and no one has read any of it. I wish that I could find someone to. Someone that would actually be honest. And someone I could trust with my words. I really like the story, but then again, I'm kind of attached to it.

Anyways, I'm going to school in the fall and I'm scared out of my mind. Why are big changes like this the things that I want and yet I'm most terrified of them? I guess I just feel like I'm walking into unknown territory. Sure, things around here aren't really great, but at least I know how to handle it. Sucky Harrisburg is something that I'm used to, I can deal with it. New and exciting WCU, on the other hand, is terrifying. Also, all the school work I have left is sending me into major stressing.

I am so very glad I'm leaving though, in spite of my fears, there's nothing left here for me except my family.

Lately I've been kind of down on myself. I acted in a way that I'm not proud of. I showed a side of me to someone that I should have kept to myself, I want to be good and be an example. I'm a little ashamed. I should be helping and encouraging, not adapting to be what's wanted. Even the good guys want girls to be a certain way, and I don't want to be that. I want to be good. I want to influence others to be good.

I feel a little distant from everyone these days, even with both Emma and Sarah being around more often. I guess it's part of growing up. Things change. It makes me sad though, I wish I could change it.

And lately I've been really anxious to have a conversation with one of my friends that I should have had at the beginning of the summer. It needs to be said. I want to prove to myself that I can be brave. And I'm going to. I already know that things won't turn out good, but it needs to be done.

I know I'm not being very eloquent, but it's almost four in the morning and I can't really think straight. I knew though that if I didn't post something now, I wouldn't later.

Also, my birthday is less than a month away. It makes me a little sad. I was going to do something for it, but I think I've changed my mind. I think Emma, Sarah, and I are going to go to a concert, and I'll see how many people actually notice that it's my bday. I know, self-pity. But I'm allowed a little, right? It's just that after my past two birthdays (esp the last one haha), I don't really have high hopes for this year. We'll see.

So, last thing, I went to my dad(the one in texas)'s house for this first time in three years. I would write a lot about it, but I'm about to fall asleep. But I'll just say that I wish I'd done it a while ago. Ah, then again, I might not have been ready then. Anyways, seeing Kenzi and Riley was great, and so was seeing my dad and Sandi. I want to be so much closer to all of them, it seems so impossible though. If I can hardly keep close with the people around here, how am I supposed to manage it with them being in Texas? And it's tough to have two families that you feel responsible to. But I do have two. And that's what counts, do I'll just have to deal. It's weird though. It's all weird.

Alright, I know I'm not making any sense so I'm going to just close with a quote from Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie.

"And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap."

Cross Me Off Your List

Well, I'm blogging sooner than I thought I would be. But I guess I've got more stuff to ramble on about.

So, last night Olivia went to church with us. And it was so odd, but I got really jealous; it took me a while to figure out why, but then it hit me. I didn't really care (that much, haha) that she was flirting with all the guys, or even that she was wearing my clothes while she did it. But what it truly, honestly, was, was that Olivia, in one night, managed to feel more at home at my church, than I've felt in almost a year.

I just feel like something old and used up that no one cares about anymore, I'm just old news- something to be overlooked. I don't remember what it feels like anymore to have real friends there, and to feel like someone actually wants me around, instead of just tolerating me being around. And that's where I get to the idea of wanting to change, like I talked about in my last post.

And most of all, I hate that I care so much about this. I hate that it messes me up just thinking about how I don't feel like I belong there anymore. And I know that I've talked about this before, but I can't get it out of my head. Every time I'm there I just feel like a stranger. I feel like no one likes me, or they just don't care enough to go either way.

I don't know what happened, which is one of the hardest parts of it. It's just like, one day everything was great, and then suddenly, it was all gone. And now it's so hard to go to church. I know that's terrible to say, because I really don't want people to affect my attendance, but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'm just lonely. Not depressed or anything, just lonely. And worried.

I don't know, I'm such a whiner. A whiner with no friends.

You know, it's weird. I typed "haha" at the end of that last sentence and then thought better of it. And I do it a lot. I type haha and act like it's funny, when, in all reality, it isn't at all. I've been doing it for ages, and it needs to stop.

Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of seminary, which is kind of bittersweet. Just like graduation. I had some pretty great times in seminary. None of which happened this year, but the past three years were a lot of fun. It just makes me sad that it's over, and ending this way too.

I just hold tight to the hope that I'll find someone I love, that loves me for me. Because I can't be a Sarah, or an Emma, or an Olivia, or an Ali. I can only be Tori. And I just worry that it won't ever be enough for someone.

Okay, before this pity party gets any worse, I'm going to end. Quote is from Rest In Pieces- Saliva

"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again, cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did- it has not healed with time- it just shot down my spine. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"

Be Be Your Love

So I wasn't going to post any more on this blog. At all. But to be honest, I'm very attached to it now that I've been writing in it for over a year. I came back to it the first time today because I feel like I really need someone to talk to and it's almost 3am and I wouldn't know who to go to. And if you haven't guessed already, I'm one of those people who have to get out what they're feeling. I don't often ask for advice, most times I just want to talk and get a hug. I guess I'll have to get a raincheck on the hug considering that, as far as I know, blogs cannot help with that haha.

Anyway,its been quite a while since I've posted. But I didn't blog any June last year, so I guess it will have to have been April this year.

It seems like a lot has happened and at the same time not anything at all.

I got accepted into WCU which is really exciting of course, I can't wait to get out of Charlotte and meet new people and just get away. It'll be a good thing.

But at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like a stranger to my friends. I mean, I've always been bad at keeping in touch with the people who aren't really close to me, but lately it seems like I'm not close to anyone anymore. I feel really alone sometimes. It's probably just part of human nature to feel that way, but right now I feel like the people around me are strangers.

And then I worry that maybe they didn't change, maybe it was me. Or maybe both. No one can really know I guess.

I mean, but it's not like I'm never happy. I am quite a bit. But it's just never that lightness anymore like I used to be able to feel. I always feel like there is just some kind of hollowness now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't know how to ask for help.

It's just that there's so much that's been going on with my family and they're so preoccupied with all these different dynamics, that I feel like I can't say anything. There's just so much on everyone right now, and I hate feeling weak. I've been the weak, emotional one my entire life, and I'm tired of playing that part.

I'm scared about college too. I'm scared about not being able to be the person Sarah wants me to be. I'm scared that I'll either go crazy, or that I will want to rebel. But not rebel against my parents or anything like that, or the church. But against the people that I feel like don't care about me anymore. Just to show them that they took me for granted, or to destroy the person they liked. I don't know. That part always scares me. And after race weekend, I worry that it will happen.

I think that the reason why I feel so disconnected from everyone though, is because it seems like everyone I love is changing and moving on and growing up, and I think I'm bitter because I feel like I'm still stuck in neutral and I don't know how to get out of it. Which is always why I'm scared that I'll get to the point where I'm willing to do anything to get out of it.

And I don't like my job. And I have 4 courses to finish over the Summer because I thought that time was going to slow down for me.

And I'm going to stop before I go into full pity-party mode. Yet again, I just needed a way to talk/complain.

I'm just scared out of my mind. And I hold in all of this crap and then I just explode. Like Wednesday, I was a wreck. Ali came to talk to me, and she asked if I was alright, and I just broke down and started bawling. I mean, I sucked it up right after and made a joke and went back in and brushed it off like a joke.

But it's really hard being at church now. Really, really hard. I won't go into what all has happened on the off-chance that people still have my blog link, because I'm not going to start spreading business that isn't just mine. I'm just really missing someone though that I shouldn't be missing. And it sounds psychotic even to me, but it's true. And lying about it, would be refusing something that is undeniably a part of who I am. And I need them now more than ever ever before. And I want them to be there. And I worry about them. But there isn't anything I can do about it.

I did everything I could do, and I'm hated because of it. So all I can do now is hope, or not hope, or do whatever I have to in order to keep going.

I can't ever do anything right. Ever.

It sucks. It just really, really, really sucks. Articulate, I know.

I'm just in a complaining, melancholy mood though. That hug really would be nice right about now.

Well, I'm sure I had more to talk about, but I'm getting extremely tired.

Anyway, today's quote is from "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. (Very tender song and video)

"There are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.."

Save the Empty

Whenever I get in one of my upset moods and someone asks me if I'm okay, or what's wrong, this is what I want to show them:

"She waited all night for the tears to come;
Pictures of silence falling apart in her head.
The chaotic night unfolded behind closed eyes
And inside the bitter sheets her heart turned cold.

Their words were not what killed her.
Not their lies, nor their taunts.
Not in their misplaced gestures;
Not in their icy hearts.

No, the murder weapon chosen to rip away her soul
Were in the eyes of those she prized the most.

Fires didn’t burn there, not of hate or of fervor.
Cold deception never crept in, nothing of the sort.
Instead their dead gazes seemed to rest everywhere,
Except on her own dying frame.

Sluggishly, they passed without notice,
Speaking in a foreign tongue.
A language she’d forgotten long ago,
Before the days had merged with night.

At first she ran after the benumbed,
Begging to be seen,
Nails tearing into their arms as she grasped them,
Desperation permeating every thought.

But they retreated; and she ripped out her locks and clawed at her face in agony,
No one there to see.

She sat with the others,
Silently waiting for a turn of the head,
Someone to admire the monstrous face she had created.
But they stared at each other without feeling.

She screamed her own fretful pleas,
Words falling on tragic, deaf ears,
Until all that remained were bleeding whispers,
That slowly turned to quiet.

She cut out her tongue,
With no one to hear her beautiful words.

Into her solitude, she slipped,
Letting miserable visions and thoughts numb her own mind,
Left alone in the most complex of simplicities-
To fight the will to live.

She imagined an angel standing at the door
Though no pearl gate would let him through with her blood on his hands.
Raising a feeble arm she beckoned him to come,
To let his stained wings touch her for a moment.

He moved to her bedside without a word,
Leaving gory footprints to mark his path.
She raised her head to watch him.
But the sight nearly brought her tearless eyes to life.

Morbid coal had replaced the eyes of the wretched angel ,
And his lips stayed twisted in a mangled smile.
Gradually he pulled a tainted knife from his wings,
Never moving his heartbreaking face.

For a moment she felt a stir of joy in her chest,
At last he would put her toil to rest.
But he placed the blade on the sweat-stained sheets,
And slowly waited for the temptation to overwhelm.

The passionless love that had faded so long ago
Failed to persuade her to life
Existing only as empty memories
Of forgotten hands and biting sighs.

His meaningless smile stayed engrained
Until the gesture seemed to haunt.
The black eyes looked past her,
This moment of no consequence to the terrible, blighted angel.

So slowly, numbly she carved out her heart,
Bled out her soul,
Killed the love that had ceased to exist,
And died in the watch of her protector, her heart lying in front of him.

Retreating from his spot,
He left the dead to bury its own."

So yeah, this whole weekend has been really good and really bad.

I bet not one of them could have seen through the lie =/ I really cried for the first time in a long time.

Here is the quote, from Love, Save the Empty- Erin McCarley

"Sad boy, you stare up at the sky when no one's looking back at you. You wear your every last disguise; you're flying, then you fall through. Again, the false affection. Again, you're breaking inside. Love save the empty."

Love Like Winter

It's ironic-

I finally like the person I am. I mean, there is still a part of me that wants to lose weight and have clearer skin and be a better person and all that. But I really do like who I am.

And I have no one to share it with.

I feel like I have all these people around me and for some reason it makes me feel that much more isolated.

I know that probably sounds dumb, I don't know.

Anyways, here is a quote from Anberlin's "There is No Mathematics to Love and Loss"

"Where does one start to pick up the pieces of a gasoline heart? Words lost their meanings long ago."

Youth of the Nation

Why does everything have to be complicated? I feel like I'm wasting away in this house. I've learned a lot but I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I'm some stranger to almost everyone.

I miss the semblance of normal. I mean, I'm a seventeen year old that stays at home and takes care of a baby and works, and the rest of my time I feel like I don't have the energy or drive to do anything else. I don't know how to take on the responsibility of taking care of Bella. And I'm scared that I won't be able to go to WCU, and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. Because I can't be here anymore. I need something new.

I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't know how to accomplish them. They seem like foolish aspirations.

And to be honest, I'm conflicted about whats wrong or right. Should I try to be friends like I want? Or is it even worth the risk of rejection? Because I don't know if I can take that. Do I even have anything to offer?

Why do I feel such a strong pull? Is there even a reason? Do I give into it or fight it?

And how? How do I stay away? How do I come close?


I don't even know you anymore. I try to pretend that I do, that I just know the way you work, the way your heart works, your thoughts, your feelings. But I don't. You're the stranger that I've been closest to. It's just like you don't know who I am. Like I said, very few do. We don't know each other anymore.

And there has been another person thats usually not too present on my mind. He just pisses me off so so so much. He is self-serving, self-obsessed, cruel, insulting, and basically just a complete jerk. Please, I don't care if everyone else thinks you're hilarious. I don't think you're funny. At all. You are mean. You tear other people down in order to feel better about yourself, to climb up to some higher level of pride. And just so you know, I am not stupid. I may not have been driven in the couple of months you saw me at school. But I am not- in any way, shape, or form- stupid. So get down off your high horse, and if you think that I am too dumb to realize that you're making fun of me, then you are wrong. So stop pretending that we are buddies. And please stop with your "holier-than-thou" attitude. You are a hypocrite and I'm tired of dealing quietly with your endless comments and looks. It's really just getting to be absolutely annoying. And you may think you're cool, but I will tell you right now, anyone that treats people the way you do, is not cool, and unless you start considering other peoples feelings that aren't you're own, you will be living a lonely, pretended life. I may only have one close friend here in North Carolina, but I feel sorry for you. Because I can't imagine being miserable enough that I would go around putting other people down. So leave me alone. Just freaking leave me alone.

End of rant, sorry. Ughhhhh. I just get so mad.

Anyways, I got my SATs back yesterday and they're good, or at least I think they are. I got two 650s in reading and math and a 590 in wrting. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

This year I'm going to eliminate the pictures, because they took so long to find and all, but I'll still have my quote. Sister Olay gave me this one and told me to show other people who I really am, its a quote by Fanny Brice.

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"

Saying Sorry

So this week has been a long, confusing one. I've been happy, livid, upset, crazy, everything. But last night it all kind of settled into regret or remorse or something like that. So I started writing apologies to people. I wish I could just tell them. But something always gets in the way. So here you go: Apologies from My Heart.

1. I’m sorry that it’s taken this long for us to be friends again. I’m sorry that my anger and frustration got in the way of something really good. I’m sorry that I judged you and wasn’t supportive when you needed me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to be there for you. I’m happy that you have found your way independent of me, and that you were able make those decisions that I should have been there to help you make. I love you and I’m sorry.

2. I’m sorry that you haven’t found the happiness you wanted. I’m sorry that you’ve lost so much. I’m sorry that I can’t be the one to help you, because I don’t know how to. I want so much for you to have the things that you deserve, and I’m sorry that you aren’t getting them. I’m sorry that we don’t talk like we used to.

3. I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore. I’m sorry that you don’t know how proud I am of you. But I am. I’m sorry that you’re not at home where you should be. I’m sorry that I was upset with you for so long. I’m sorry that silly things made us grow apart. I’m sorry that I don’t call like I should, to tell you I miss you. But I do miss you.

4. I'm sorry that I haven't known you guys like I should have. I should have been there and called more, and I hate that I haven't. I'm sorry for any sadness you've felt because of me. I'm going to do better. I’m sorry for the missed birthdays and holidays. I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I’m sorry that we aren’t closer and I’m sorry that we’re all such strangers now. I love you all though, with every bit of my heart. I’m sorry that things have grown to be the way they are now; I didn’t ever want it to happen.

5. I’m sorry that I haven’t been a better example for you. I’m sorry that I never helped you understand the lines. I’m sorry that I don’t spend more time with you, but I’m going to change that. I’m sorry that sometimes I’m too hard on you and act like your mother. I’m sorry that you’re in the same situation that I was in. I hate that I can see what’s coming, and I’m sorry that it has to happen. I’m sorry that I didn’t prevent it. I’m sorry that you love him so much.

6. I’m sorry that I don’t know what I want, and I’m sorry I hurt you in the process of that. I hate that I led you on, because you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry that I had to involve you again. You are such a good person; you didn’t need me. I’m sorry that I can’t feel the same way for whatever reason. I’m sorry that things couldn’t be different. I wish they were.

7. I’m sorry that I dislike you so much. Just kidding, I’m really not sorry.

8. I’m sorry that we’ve ended up the way we have. I’m sorry that seeing you makes me sad, and angry. I’m sorry that I want to slap you about 95% of the time. I’m sorry that we don’t really talk anymore. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you or made you feel bad. I’m sorry that I lost such a good friend. I’m sorry that I still wish we were friends. But most of all, I’m sorry that you probably feel sorry for me.

9. I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry that I haven’t done all of the things that I should. I’m sorry that I haven’t earned all of the love, grace, and forgiveness you’ve given me. I’m sorry that I’ve been scared instead of bold. I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to the person you deserve.

10. I’m sorry that I’ve been distant.

But more than anything, I'm sorry that I have these apologies. I wish that they weren't so present in my life.

Anyway, thats enough of that. One of Mommy's old friends reminded me about this song I used to love, its Midnight in Montgomery- Alan Jackson. and the picture is from Nico1.

"Feel that lonesome chill."

Vindicated

So today I got on to blog and was all ready to start complaining about how much I hate that I really like someone that lives in another state thats going on a mission soon. And how the other guy that means a ton to me doesnt like me and how it hurt to find that out and about all that I think about that. And I was ready to go on about how you can't stop people from making bad decisions and after its done, there are just some situations that are beyond the handling of a seventeen year old. And, granted, I did just get out all of those things, but there is something much more important I want to type about.

Because before I started to write, I reread all my blog entries since I first started last April. Last year was a rollercoaster ride and things have been confusing and hard, but gosh in a way it was one of the best years I've ever had, simply because I've grown so much, and I've learned so much. And so, I decided that all of last year's entries plus this one will be my Individual Worth project for church. Reading through the entries gave me a better understanding of it, and for once I think I'm starting to get the full meaning of it. Individual Worth isn't just liking yourself when your perfect and when things are great. Individual Worth means liking yourself through the good and the bad- and when bad things happen, coming out of them going, "yeah that sucked, but its gonna be okay because I'm okay and Heavenly Father still loves me and he's got a plan for me" And, truth be told, its really easy to lose sight of, but its always there.

Its okay that this year meant the ending of a big part of my life, because I think its making room for something bigger. And this year was probably the time that I've spent the most by myself- the year I've had with the fewest friends. But I've learned to like myself on my own terms, instead of by other peoples, and I've learned to just observe more and try and look beyond just the immediate.

And its funny, looking back I saw things that I'd forgotten- feelings of such happiness and self-worth that I forgot had happened, but I realize that they are still there. I was feeling like I'd changed so much from this summer and that I wasn't gong to be happy like that anymore. But those feelings never left, I just never tapped back into them. Because once I started reading, that happiness filled me again and I know its been there all along.

Its funny, because in one of my first blog entries I talked about how much I wanted some kind of adventure, some fantastic thing to happen to me, and I didn't realize it until now, but I got my adventure and it came to me in my own journey. It wasnt the one that I'd wanted, or expected. But I'm so grateful for it.

Thanks to everyone thats been there for me. Whether it was my close friends that got the whole ride, or just people that asked how I was doing, it all means a lot. Even if a lot of times I was wrapped up and didn't show it.

And my biggest thank you is for Heavenly Father and for all that he's done for me. He knew what was best for me, even when sometimes I didn't like it and it was hard. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to realize it.

So I want to make this into a little book for my individual worth project, not so that other people can read it (because it is personal and a little embarressing) But instead because I don't want to forget how much I collectively learned about Individual Worth this year and how happy I am to be who I and to be a daughter of God- even when I am being an angsty overdramatic teenager haha.

So I'd say that 2009 is going to be just fine =]

So todays pic is from Cerenimo and the song is "When I Go Down" - Relient K (which could be a theme song for me haha)



"When I go down I lift my eyes to you, I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms, to lift me up again."

Love Bites, Love Bleeds

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. But I didn't want December to go out without a single post being written, so here I am. Confused as ever.

Or maybe its not really confused, I think its more lost. I mean, I know a lot better who I am now. But I feel like I'm just sitting watching life pass by and I can't get a hold on anything that matters. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either. I'm just nothing. No love left. No hate. No drive. Nothing. Just watching the rest of the world swim while I hold onto the bank. Figuratively, I guess I'm just scared of drowning. I don't know why, but it seems like I've slowly distanced myself from everyone. I don't do it on purpose, I just do.

I mean prime example- Jon. He was the first guy that wasn't Connor that I'd actually really felt anything for. And he called and emailed and left me voicemails, and what did I do? Nothing. I looked and listened and got scared of getting attached and hurt. And then the calls just stopped. =[ And gosh even though its been a while, I miss them coming. And its so dumb.

And there are a million other people that I do the same thing to. Anyone that might hurt me, I cut them out of my life without realizing that I'm doing it until its done.

Onto the next thing. People are saying that I am going inactive. First of all, I have no way to drive there, and its not like you see my parents at church without me. When they go, I go. But second of all, lets observe some things. One of the three girls that are my age, hates me. And the other two are close friends with her. And of the six guys that are my age- two of them think that I'm a loser, two of them could care less, one has been a jerk to the majority of my friends, and the last is just hard and weird and sad to be around. And I would say most of them think I'm stupid. Its just hard to be there. I mean, I still want to go, but I'll admit its harder to want it. I used to feel like church and my ward was the one place where I really belonged, and now its gone, and I think thats been one of the hardest things for me to get used to.

And last of all, I'm going to get closure tomorrow night on my incessant feelings. And then 2009 I'm starting over and letting go and getting over everything. 2009 means its over once and for all. I've been holding onto something that I want to be there, and if its not there then its not there and there's no use sticking around. I'm not going to try to be close friends again, thats not what I want, it never has been. So tomorrow night will settle it and then I'm going to finally just leave it alone. Put away everything. Leave well enough alone. I've thought about it a lot and this is the last time that I'll try this and then we can be just cordial friends and leave the past behind.

2009 will hopefully be a new start for me. Wish me luck.

Picture is by Henki24 and the song is Congratulations - Blue October ft. Imogen Heap



"My heart won't take this cover up."

The Battle of One

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." - Octavio Paz

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." - Mother Teresa

"What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?" - T.S. Eliot

"People who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about." - Anton Checkov

"Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word, but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion." - Conrad Joseph

"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely." - Becky Aligada

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." - Orson Welles

"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it." - Vincent Van Gogh

"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love." -Francis Bacon

“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most.” - Ronald Anthony

“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." - Tennessee Williams

"The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness." - Norman Cousins

We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands

I've been using anger as a barrier for the past couple months. I've hidden everything behind it. And it made things easier to deal with. It made me feel like I was in control.

But now that its gone, there are these new feelings of confusion and fear and hurt. I feel this really overwhelming sadness all over me and I don't understand it.

Why do I care so much??? Why can't it just be over?

I'm just really confused. How do you erase whats been done? How do you fix things that seem beyond repair? Or should you at all?

I feel very very sick, to be honest. I just don't know how I got myself into this mess and I don't know how to get out. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. And I just don't know how to change it.

Will things ever be good again? Sometimes I just wish I could erase the world.

Disintegration

I feel so lost.

Like there isn't a way back to having a place where I feel safe anymore. Because its not whats outside that scares me, its whats inside.

If I had died, who would really honestly completely care? Who's lives would it change? Who really cares about me now? Who really knows me now? Who really wants to know me?

My friends are gone. My safehaven is gone. I feel like a stranger around everyone.

How many people heard and didn't care? didn't call? didn't say anything at all? Too many to count. So many that it doesn't feel real. The only reminder I have is the pain in my body and on my face and in the eyes of someone else who could have died.

All these thoughts are just too much for me to carry around. What have I done to leave behind? How would I be remembered? As a stranger? As someone who was never forgiven? or loved?

My head hurts and my heart hurts and I don't know where I'm at anymore. Its October and I can't tell you one truly great thing that has happened to me in the past three months. Nothing meaningful even. Three months of wasted time. But what else can I do? I feel like I'm just stuck at this house with my thoughts and my anger and my sadness, with only two or three people outside this house that care at all. If I was in the hospital, who would come? Who would be there?

I guess I just wish that I had someone to hold me and tell me that theyre so happy that I'm okay and that they love me. Someone to hold my hand and tell me its all over now. I guess I want to go out being loved and in love. People say there is plenty of time to find someone you love and who loves you. But what if there isn't?

What if there isn't?

What does it matter if all that you have is hate and anger and jealousy and grudges that were never forgiven?

I mean, I am so grateful for the family and close friends I've got. But I just wonder, is that all there is ever going to be for me?

I deleted my MySpace and Facebook. Because I can't stand to keep on pretending like everything is normal and fine and I'm just peachy, when things aren't like that. I'm tired of pretending, and if that makes me weak then so be it.

I'm just so scared.

Scared of dying without leaving behind anything meaningful.

Scared of no one knowing who I am.

Scared of never falling in love again.

Scared of it always being me and my thoughts.

Just scared to death.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Picture is from Pyrotechnician and the song is Pictures of You - The Cure. I've been listening to their album Disintegration constantly. Its possibly one of the greatest albums ever created.

"Looking so long at these pictures of you, but I never hold on to your heart. Looking so long for the words to be true, but always just breaking apart."

Never Take Friendship Personal

I was thinking about something today. Its odd, when you're little you are taught what to do when a stranger comes up to you, or what happens if theres a fire, or what to do in an emergency, and all those things. Those things that have simple answers. Don't talk to them; meet at a designated spot; call 911.

But its funny, looking back, the things that actually matter the most are the things that no one told you about. How do you deal with peer pressure? How do you deal with loneliness? What about when your parents get a divorce? or when someone dies? or how do you deal with an addiction? Why doesn't anyone teach you about anything that matters? They don't tell you how to deal with real anger and jealousy; they don't tell you how to forgive someone who really hurts you. They don't teach you about falling in love or getting your heart broken. They don't tell you about wars and starvation and poverty; they don't tell you about nuclear weapons and crooked politics. They don't teach you about how to deal with lack of confidence or confusion or how to decide your future. I mean, I know its like telling a kid that Santa isn't real. But you grow up thinking that life is a cake walk, and then its like BAM! Now, deal with it. I don't know. I guess its just like, all those years worrying about being kidnapped or my house burning down or having to call 911, I should have been thinking about how to defend myself against things that are so much more personal, you know?

In other news, honesty is dying. Just thought everyone should know. Lies and dishonesty seem to be eating away at the people in my life. It makes me sad.

Anyways, I don't remember where else I was going with this. So I guess I'll end it. The quote is from Never Take Friendship Personal by Anberlin, and the picture was made by Plim-Chan.

"Once a skeptic, now the critic. And you figured you finally found a place of your own amongst the cold and timid souls where only failure knows your name. Look around for the closest to blame, but look no further than the hands beneath your arms."