Or maybe its not really confused, I think its more lost. I mean, I know a lot better who I am now. But I feel like I'm just sitting watching life pass by and I can't get a hold on anything that matters. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either. I'm just nothing. No love left. No hate. No drive. Nothing. Just watching the rest of the world swim while I hold onto the bank. Figuratively, I guess I'm just scared of drowning. I don't know why, but it seems like I've slowly distanced myself from everyone. I don't do it on purpose, I just do.
I mean prime example- Jon. He was the first guy that wasn't Connor that I'd actually really felt anything for. And he called and emailed and left me voicemails, and what did I do? Nothing. I looked and listened and got scared of getting attached and hurt. And then the calls just stopped. =[ And gosh even though its been a while, I miss them coming. And its so dumb.
And there are a million other people that I do the same thing to. Anyone that might hurt me, I cut them out of my life without realizing that I'm doing it until its done.
Onto the next thing. People are saying that I am going inactive. First of all, I have no way to drive there, and its not like you see my parents at church without me. When they go, I go. But second of all, lets observe some things. One of the three girls that are my age, hates me. And the other two are close friends with her. And of the six guys that are my age- two of them think that I'm a loser, two of them could care less, one has been a jerk to the majority of my friends, and the last is just hard and weird and sad to be around. And I would say most of them think I'm stupid. Its just hard to be there. I mean, I still want to go, but I'll admit its harder to want it. I used to feel like church and my ward was the one place where I really belonged, and now its gone, and I think thats been one of the hardest things for me to get used to.
And last of all, I'm going to get closure tomorrow night on my incessant feelings. And then 2009 I'm starting over and letting go and getting over everything. 2009 means its over once and for all. I've been holding onto something that I want to be there, and if its not there then its not there and there's no use sticking around. I'm not going to try to be close friends again, thats not what I want, it never has been. So tomorrow night will settle it and then I'm going to finally just leave it alone. Put away everything. Leave well enough alone. I've thought about it a lot and this is the last time that I'll try this and then we can be just cordial friends and leave the past behind.
2009 will hopefully be a new start for me. Wish me luck.
Picture is by Henki24 and the song is Congratulations - Blue October ft. Imogen Heap
"My heart won't take this cover up."
