It's ironic-
I finally like the person I am. I mean, there is still a part of me that wants to lose weight and have clearer skin and be a better person and all that. But I really do like who I am.
And I have no one to share it with.
I feel like I have all these people around me and for some reason it makes me feel that much more isolated.
I know that probably sounds dumb, I don't know.
Anyways, here is a quote from Anberlin's "There is No Mathematics to Love and Loss"
"Where does one start to pick up the pieces of a gasoline heart? Words lost their meanings long ago."
Blog Music
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Youth of the Nation
Why does everything have to be complicated? I feel like I'm wasting away in this house. I've learned a lot but I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I'm some stranger to almost everyone.
I miss the semblance of normal. I mean, I'm a seventeen year old that stays at home and takes care of a baby and works, and the rest of my time I feel like I don't have the energy or drive to do anything else. I don't know how to take on the responsibility of taking care of Bella. And I'm scared that I won't be able to go to WCU, and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. Because I can't be here anymore. I need something new.
I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't know how to accomplish them. They seem like foolish aspirations.
And to be honest, I'm conflicted about whats wrong or right. Should I try to be friends like I want? Or is it even worth the risk of rejection? Because I don't know if I can take that. Do I even have anything to offer?
Why do I feel such a strong pull? Is there even a reason? Do I give into it or fight it?
And how? How do I stay away? How do I come close?
I don't even know you anymore. I try to pretend that I do, that I just know the way you work, the way your heart works, your thoughts, your feelings. But I don't. You're the stranger that I've been closest to. It's just like you don't know who I am. Like I said, very few do. We don't know each other anymore.
And there has been another person thats usually not too present on my mind. He just pisses me off so so so much. He is self-serving, self-obsessed, cruel, insulting, and basically just a complete jerk. Please, I don't care if everyone else thinks you're hilarious. I don't think you're funny. At all. You are mean. You tear other people down in order to feel better about yourself, to climb up to some higher level of pride. And just so you know, I am not stupid. I may not have been driven in the couple of months you saw me at school. But I am not- in any way, shape, or form- stupid. So get down off your high horse, and if you think that I am too dumb to realize that you're making fun of me, then you are wrong. So stop pretending that we are buddies. And please stop with your "holier-than-thou" attitude. You are a hypocrite and I'm tired of dealing quietly with your endless comments and looks. It's really just getting to be absolutely annoying. And you may think you're cool, but I will tell you right now, anyone that treats people the way you do, is not cool, and unless you start considering other peoples feelings that aren't you're own, you will be living a lonely, pretended life. I may only have one close friend here in North Carolina, but I feel sorry for you. Because I can't imagine being miserable enough that I would go around putting other people down. So leave me alone. Just freaking leave me alone.
End of rant, sorry. Ughhhhh. I just get so mad.
Anyways, I got my SATs back yesterday and they're good, or at least I think they are. I got two 650s in reading and math and a 590 in wrting. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
This year I'm going to eliminate the pictures, because they took so long to find and all, but I'll still have my quote. Sister Olay gave me this one and told me to show other people who I really am, its a quote by Fanny Brice.
"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"
I miss the semblance of normal. I mean, I'm a seventeen year old that stays at home and takes care of a baby and works, and the rest of my time I feel like I don't have the energy or drive to do anything else. I don't know how to take on the responsibility of taking care of Bella. And I'm scared that I won't be able to go to WCU, and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. Because I can't be here anymore. I need something new.
I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't know how to accomplish them. They seem like foolish aspirations.
And to be honest, I'm conflicted about whats wrong or right. Should I try to be friends like I want? Or is it even worth the risk of rejection? Because I don't know if I can take that. Do I even have anything to offer?
Why do I feel such a strong pull? Is there even a reason? Do I give into it or fight it?
And how? How do I stay away? How do I come close?
I don't even know you anymore. I try to pretend that I do, that I just know the way you work, the way your heart works, your thoughts, your feelings. But I don't. You're the stranger that I've been closest to. It's just like you don't know who I am. Like I said, very few do. We don't know each other anymore.
And there has been another person thats usually not too present on my mind. He just pisses me off so so so much. He is self-serving, self-obsessed, cruel, insulting, and basically just a complete jerk. Please, I don't care if everyone else thinks you're hilarious. I don't think you're funny. At all. You are mean. You tear other people down in order to feel better about yourself, to climb up to some higher level of pride. And just so you know, I am not stupid. I may not have been driven in the couple of months you saw me at school. But I am not- in any way, shape, or form- stupid. So get down off your high horse, and if you think that I am too dumb to realize that you're making fun of me, then you are wrong. So stop pretending that we are buddies. And please stop with your "holier-than-thou" attitude. You are a hypocrite and I'm tired of dealing quietly with your endless comments and looks. It's really just getting to be absolutely annoying. And you may think you're cool, but I will tell you right now, anyone that treats people the way you do, is not cool, and unless you start considering other peoples feelings that aren't you're own, you will be living a lonely, pretended life. I may only have one close friend here in North Carolina, but I feel sorry for you. Because I can't imagine being miserable enough that I would go around putting other people down. So leave me alone. Just freaking leave me alone.
End of rant, sorry. Ughhhhh. I just get so mad.
Anyways, I got my SATs back yesterday and they're good, or at least I think they are. I got two 650s in reading and math and a 590 in wrting. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
This year I'm going to eliminate the pictures, because they took so long to find and all, but I'll still have my quote. Sister Olay gave me this one and told me to show other people who I really am, its a quote by Fanny Brice.
"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"
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