Vulnerable

How do you get rid of hate and anger?

How do you get rid of compassion?

How do you make things go away?

How do you know what to do at all?

Time and patience, maybe? I've got no idea. I've been trying to figure it out for the past two weeks. If you've got an answer, please tell me.

So, I keep on thinking about how I'm a senior now. I know I'm not that old, but I feel like saying, "no! go back, I'm not done being a teenager!" You know? And I was just looking at some pictures from a couple years ago and my transcript from freshman year, and I just wish I could go back and change things. I would have done things so much differently. I just feel like I was so busy worried about how I should act and be that I missed out on everything. And I know I could have done so much better in school if I had just really tried. I don't know. I guess I just wished that I hadn't worried so much about everything and instead just been myself and talked to people and stuff. Then again, maybe thats just not who I am. Who knows. Whats done is done and its got me to this point and I'm okay with that.

I still don't regret leaving public school though. I'm a lot happier here, doing things like this. You know, I don't like talking about why I left, but I think that maybe I need to get it out. So if you read this, I guess you get to be one of the few that really know.

I have never been able to make good friends at school; I had a few in middle school, but for the most part I was a loser. And then from then on out I had Sarah plus a few people at school depending on the people in my class. But after Gabriella was born, it was like I never had time for my homework either. So I felt stupid, along with feeling like a loser, boring, weird, and ugly. I just was always wondering what was wrong with me that made people not want to be friends with me. I hated Hickory Ridge. Its just the looks I got. I don't know. I just don't know. But I felt ugly and stupid and weird and worthless.

And then around December I started getting really sick because I was worried and stressed out all the time, I remember one week where I was just so depressed and upset and no one noticed and so that just made it worse. The one person who did know about it, I never got the chance to talk to them about it. And then one morning during seminary I just broke down, and I started bawling in Austin's car and he took me home. And I wrote this,

"I was just so upset. I hate school. I hate the environment here, I hate the learning here, I hate having to be here with these people who are always looking down on me. And I have huge self esteem issues that I don't know how to fix. And I feel like I'm losing Sarah. And like I'm a failure as a daughter b/c I never talk to my biological dad. And like I'm a bad sister because I don't spend enough time with the baby. And like I'm not good enough for any boy. Heck, I'm 16 and I still haven't been kissed. That. Is. Pathetic."

So that pretty much explains that. And so thats when I started thinking about homeschooling. Sarah wasn't too happy with me because of the homeschooling idea (understandably), my family was worried about me, I found out the story behind my parents divorce, and I was confused about stuff with a guy. I felt like everything would just be better if I wasn't here anymore, honestly. I'm not being melodramatic or anything, I just was so upset a lot of days and I didn't feel like anyone cared about me and that I was just a problem and that no one wanted me around. And so I thought a lot about how if I died it would be so much better. I never hurt myself or anything, it was just on my mind a lot. I just didn't think that I was worth anything at all. I was sick and went home a lot of days. And it was then that I decided that public school just was harming my self-confidence and that it wasn't worth it. I lost two of my closest friends because of it. One sooner than the other. And I didn't want that to keep happening.

So anyways, here I am. Its been like eight months since all of that, and I have not felt like that one day since. I still haven't been kissed and I have the least amount of friends that I've ever had, but I am still 100 times happier, because I like myself, even if no one else does. It didn't come right away, but I think I'm getting better every day. I probably didn't explain it very well, but its something thats really personal and complex and really hard to put into words.

I know that I sound like an angsty, crazy, overdramatic teenager. And I am. So I guess its okay haha. But I know that what I felt was real, its the most real and terrible feeling I've ever had- worse than getting my heart broken (which sounds really retarded I know, but there is no other way to put it because thats what it was). I know that other people go through a billion times worse though, so believe me, I'm appreciative that thats the worse I've ever gone through and that it had a relatively easy solution.

So anyways, my fingers hurt so I'm done being angsty and reflective =]

The quote is from E.E. Cummings and the picture is by DontPanicMedia.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."

You Don't Know Me

Well, it hurts more and less than I thought it would.

Less than I would have guessed a couple months ago. A couple months ago I would have thought that this would have sent me into a crying frenzy that would last a few days- where I would spend all my time feeling sorry for myself haha. But it hurt more than I had recently decided it was going to. I was surprised that I cried. But its not because I'm jealous, because I made my decisions and I don't regret them, I guess its just hard for me to accept. But I'm doing relatively fine. Good, even. I just still have a lot of anger and resentment to get rid of, and I'm working on that.

In the mean time, I don't like the other guy I thought that I might like either. I'm quickly running out of options haha. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to end up being some old fat lady with five hundred cats and giving mean dirty looks to everyone. I hope not. I was on the phone with Mommy though today and I started talking to her just about everything and she told me that I shouldn't look at it negatively, that maybe I was being protected from being hurt more. She said with the way that I loved people, she thought that getting hurt by more guys would just tear me up. Maybe she's right. But I still think that maybe there is just some sign on me that says "I'm not worth your time!" haha. Or maybe I'm just too picky, or something.

But I'm still kind of happy I don't have to deal with it right now. Its just so much trouble. Besides, I'm too busy being involved in everyone else's stuff that its nice not to have to deal with my own haha.

Speaking of that, I've actually been pretty livid for about the past hour about something that is happening. And I just want to go and slap someone. I swear this guy has hurt so many of my friends that I want to quarantine him- he's a player, a fake, and a liar. And I really can't stand the thought of him right now. Last summer: "I would never play a girl." Wow, and I actually believed him. I know of at least 5 girls he has played and it makes me just sick.

Anyways, its funny how much boy problems take over things. But I've been thinking about a lot more important things. Still things about the car accident, but mostly about school and getting older. Its so funny, I don't feel like I'm 17, I feel like I'm still a little kid and that I must have missed some crucial part of growing up. I mean, I've changed a lot, but I feel like I just missed out on something, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe moving out and going to college in a year.

We are making Bella a time capsule for her birthday for her to open when she's sixteen. I'll be 34 by then. Me and Nana were talking about it today and she said something about her being gone by then. And it scares me. Nana and Poppy are such a huge part of my life, I don't know what I'm going to do. And then we started talking about how we're going to do a capsule when I'm eighteen; it just makes me wonder what people would say about me. Or who all will still care enough to say anything. I don't know. Its all a little scary.

Oh well. Todays quote is from "Love Is Dead" by Kerli, and the picture is from ClandestineButter.

"All I want is right here, but love don't live here anymore. Love is dead. Love is gone. Love don't live here anymore."

Getting Scared

Today I got into a car accident. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, ever. I was at a stop sign and I didn't see anyone coming, but there was a blind curve so when I pulled out I hit someone that was going probably at least 50mph. My car stopped in the intersection after I hit him, but his car spun and went down an embankment and into the woods. When I saw it I thought that he had to be dead or seriously injured. The drivers door wouldn't open so I climbed out the passengers and then he came out of the woods. It was a miracle that neither of us were hurt, just sore.

Everyone was really nice, and it happened that three people that saw us hit happened to be two insurance adjusters and a nurse. I sat in the nurse's car until Mommy got there. The cop didn't give me any tickets, and our insurance should cover almost everything. And his parents were really nice and so was he. But his car was totaled and mine probably was too.

I think I'm going to be too scared to drive for a while. I still feel like crying whenever I think about it.

But the main thing I got out of this is that Heavenly Father must have been looking out for me, because if you had seen what happened, you would have thought that an ambulance would have carried both of us off. Its amazing because on Sunday Krystine told everyone in Young Womens that she knew that we had angels watching over us, and then his happens today and the nurse says, "Angels must be watching over you." And so I just started balling my eyes out.

It also has made me think about things that I should be doing differently, how I should be doing more with my life, and just like, what if something like that happens again and its worse? What happens if I die? Or if someone I know dies? What would I regret doing or telling them? I guess its just shook me up.

Anyways, I just wanted to write this because I wanted to get it out, and I have nothing to do because anything besides sitting and laying down hurts. And I've got a huge headache. But I'm so amazingly lucky and so glad that I have such good parents who are being so great about this.

Alright, no picture or quote today.

Lots of love.
Bye guys <3

Love is a Battlefield

I've spent a great deal of time thinking this week. Its been a kind of up and down and all over the place type of thing, and I've come to a lot of conclusions;

One: I don't know why I worry so much about not having a huge following of friends. The friends that I do have are the best that anyone could ever ask for and complaining/sulking is the most ungrateful thing to do.

Two: I actually genuinely like who I am. I was reading an IM I had sent to someone a year and a half ago, and I basically was just saying how I felt ugly and boring and not worth anyone's time. And I've just changed so much about how I feel about myself. And then today it just all came together. I was talking to Sarah and we had been talking about how its hard for us both to keep up diet and exercise and I just said, "Well, it doesn't matter, because we both look good the way we are." and I realized that I actually meant it. I'm okay with the way I look, because this is who I am, and there are much more important things about me than just the way I look. I just started thinking about how great so many people are and they don't even know it.

Three: I am not going to be friends with people who talk about me behind my back even though I have never once done anything to them and I have been very nice and always honest with them. I refuse to be friends with someone who puts me down and makes me feel bad about myself. And I will not accept the fact that they do that to the people that are closest to them. There is no excuse. Oh, and if you're going to say mean things about me, don't say them to my best friend.

Four: I am going to keep things in perspective from now on. The future is limitless, and the next few months are really nothing when it comes to the real scale of things.

Five: I will not let any guy make me feel like I'm not worthy or like I'm disposable. I will not let any one have that kind of control over me anymore. No girl should let that happen; there are SO many girls I know that let guys define who they are and how they feel about themselves, myself included. But I've come to a conclusion- it isnt worth it. If he doesnt appreciate you for who you are and how amazingly wonderful you are then he isn't worth your time. Okay? And same goes for how guys are viewed. Girls should appreciate them for who they are and not treat them badly or mess with their heads. Guys are people too, they deserve better than that.

Six: I am going to make a much bigger goal of not judging people. We are all children of God and He doesn't want us treating our brothers and sisters negatively. If we have His perspective then we can see that he wants for all of his children to come back.

Seven: I'm done with caring what people say or think about me. I don't blame them because I know I'm probably guilty of doing the same thing sometimes. And in reality, what they think doesn't change who I am.

Eight: Change is alright. It happens.

Nine: I am not going to walk around like a dog waiting to be kicked. I'm tired of that. It's been who I am for too long.

Ten: It's okay to be confident. It isn't a bad thing.

I think that in the end its been a good week =] And I hope that if you're reading this then maybe you got something out of it that you can feel for yourself. Individual Worth is important. Think about it.

Anyways, just a picture today from me. But check out the song "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benitar and look up the lyrics. I loveee it.