Be Be Your Love

So I wasn't going to post any more on this blog. At all. But to be honest, I'm very attached to it now that I've been writing in it for over a year. I came back to it the first time today because I feel like I really need someone to talk to and it's almost 3am and I wouldn't know who to go to. And if you haven't guessed already, I'm one of those people who have to get out what they're feeling. I don't often ask for advice, most times I just want to talk and get a hug. I guess I'll have to get a raincheck on the hug considering that, as far as I know, blogs cannot help with that haha.

Anyway,its been quite a while since I've posted. But I didn't blog any June last year, so I guess it will have to have been April this year.

It seems like a lot has happened and at the same time not anything at all.

I got accepted into WCU which is really exciting of course, I can't wait to get out of Charlotte and meet new people and just get away. It'll be a good thing.

But at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like a stranger to my friends. I mean, I've always been bad at keeping in touch with the people who aren't really close to me, but lately it seems like I'm not close to anyone anymore. I feel really alone sometimes. It's probably just part of human nature to feel that way, but right now I feel like the people around me are strangers.

And then I worry that maybe they didn't change, maybe it was me. Or maybe both. No one can really know I guess.

I mean, but it's not like I'm never happy. I am quite a bit. But it's just never that lightness anymore like I used to be able to feel. I always feel like there is just some kind of hollowness now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't know how to ask for help.

It's just that there's so much that's been going on with my family and they're so preoccupied with all these different dynamics, that I feel like I can't say anything. There's just so much on everyone right now, and I hate feeling weak. I've been the weak, emotional one my entire life, and I'm tired of playing that part.

I'm scared about college too. I'm scared about not being able to be the person Sarah wants me to be. I'm scared that I'll either go crazy, or that I will want to rebel. But not rebel against my parents or anything like that, or the church. But against the people that I feel like don't care about me anymore. Just to show them that they took me for granted, or to destroy the person they liked. I don't know. That part always scares me. And after race weekend, I worry that it will happen.

I think that the reason why I feel so disconnected from everyone though, is because it seems like everyone I love is changing and moving on and growing up, and I think I'm bitter because I feel like I'm still stuck in neutral and I don't know how to get out of it. Which is always why I'm scared that I'll get to the point where I'm willing to do anything to get out of it.

And I don't like my job. And I have 4 courses to finish over the Summer because I thought that time was going to slow down for me.

And I'm going to stop before I go into full pity-party mode. Yet again, I just needed a way to talk/complain.

I'm just scared out of my mind. And I hold in all of this crap and then I just explode. Like Wednesday, I was a wreck. Ali came to talk to me, and she asked if I was alright, and I just broke down and started bawling. I mean, I sucked it up right after and made a joke and went back in and brushed it off like a joke.

But it's really hard being at church now. Really, really hard. I won't go into what all has happened on the off-chance that people still have my blog link, because I'm not going to start spreading business that isn't just mine. I'm just really missing someone though that I shouldn't be missing. And it sounds psychotic even to me, but it's true. And lying about it, would be refusing something that is undeniably a part of who I am. And I need them now more than ever ever before. And I want them to be there. And I worry about them. But there isn't anything I can do about it.

I did everything I could do, and I'm hated because of it. So all I can do now is hope, or not hope, or do whatever I have to in order to keep going.

I can't ever do anything right. Ever.

It sucks. It just really, really, really sucks. Articulate, I know.

I'm just in a complaining, melancholy mood though. That hug really would be nice right about now.

Well, I'm sure I had more to talk about, but I'm getting extremely tired.

Anyway, today's quote is from "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. (Very tender song and video)

"There are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.."