The Moment

So, its been a pretty amazing time lately. There is so much on my mind lately that I don't even know how to start out.

I guess I'll start with the easiest thing first- I think I have decided what I want to do education-wise, and it scares the crap out of me. I want to graduate by December and then take a Nurse's Aid class at CPCC, and then transfer from there to the College of Sciences at Northeast Medical and get my Associates in nursing, then while I'm working I can take online courses to get my Bachelors in nursing. Its going to cost a lot of money and work and I have a feeling that its going to be a really tough time, but I'm excited.

Only thing I really don't like is that I'm going to be here, in Cabarrus County, where I have lived for the past bajillion years, with the same people. And, don't get me wrong, there are several people that I would hate to leave, but it is ridiculous how ready I am to find new people, being at EFY made me realize that.
And EFY was in a word, amazing. I loved my group, I loved my session director, I loved the lessons, I loved the testimony meeting, I loved the spirit you could feel there, I just loved everything really. Most importantly, I grew closer to my Heavenly Father and I think I'm starting to understand a lot of things that I didn't understand before. I sincerely believe that true faith and perfection through Christ is a long road, but I know that if you don't start walking towards it, you'll never get there.

Other thing that I learned is a great lesson about people, and about myself. I need to stop letting people run over me. I need to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself and people who appreciate me and people that don't take me for granted. I need to be with people who like to have fun and don't care what other people think and accept everyone and aren't judgemental and critcal. I'm just sad that all those people that I met at EFY who were like that are scattered across several states.

It just hadn't hit me so hard that I'd been feeling bad about myself, that I didn't realize how much everyone else had been weighing down on me. It just felt so good to hear someone say that I was of worth, that they cared about me for me, and that they appreciated me- and them be truly sincere about it.

I hadn't had felt that from anyone who wasn't Sarah, Emma, or my family, in such a long time. All my friendships seem to be falling apart back here, and I know that its probably my fault. I feel that I've just regressed so much back into my shell and that its really hard for me to trust people now. I feel like everyone that I care about will leave eventually.

But regardless of that, there has been a lot of progression too. I've become more independent, or rather I've become more dependent on Heavenly Father and Christ. I'm a lot stronger now, I'm better at dealing with problems. I have a better outlook on what I want to do with my life. I have come to a greater love and appreciation for my true friends and for people in general. I'm so much happier than I was at the beginning of the year, and the end of last year. I have a better perspective of everything. I feel better about myself as a person and as a daughter of God.

There are still some days I feel like no one will ever understand me, that I'll never be able to be totally honest with anyone else. I feel like people I've known for years don't really know me at all. Some think I'm just some shy girl that keeps to herself; some think I'm stuck up; some think that I'm just some girl that gets scared easily and is fun to play around with. But all the time I feel like people are looking right past me. I just repress things so much.

There are still days that are staggeringly lonely.

But most days I'm happy. I've been blessed with a wonderful family that I love a lot, I've been blessed with very few big trials, I've been blessed with the gospel of Christ, I've been blessed with the love of a few beautiful best friends, I've been blessed with an education, I've been blessed with a healthy body, I've been blessed with parents who work hard to provide for me. Actually, I've been blessed so much with so many other things that those lonely days really mean nothing.

So, in closing I'll leave a picture by enutpnut and a quote from Good Day- Angels & Airwaves.


"If love's a word that you say, then say it, I will listen... You know I won't say sorry."

It's Far Better to Learn

Okay, because I have started out the past two blogs with "wow, i havent blogged in forever," I won't do it this time. All I will say is that I'm kind of dissapointed in myself that I didn't blog at all in June. But I've been really busy.

It seems like there's just so much to write now, because I've done a lot of growing and changing on the inside this past little bit.

I'll start with the bad stuff first I guess, that way by the end, it'll just get better and better and I'll feel good haha.

So, lately I've been feeling kind of detached from everything. Right now I kind of feel like I've lost a lot of people who I used to be close to. Actually, I feel like the only close friends I have now are Sarah and Emma. Which I am so grateful that they are there for me, because I love them so so so much. But all the other people that I used to be close to, I'm just not anymore. Person1 is mad at me, and to be honest I just can't call them anymore because there are so many residual feelings still left there from where I got hurt and felt betrayed. I can't call them without feeling like everything that I say will be judged, twisted, and then fed to everyone else. Person2 is a hypocrite and says that they do everything perfect and still no one wants to be friends with them anymore. But the fact is, is that you can't treat your friends like dirt and then expect them to stay with you. And it's not like I'm not one for second chances, but you have to try and change first, and you can't think that you're God. Person3 is someone I just can't talk to anymore. Person 4... will be discussed later. I miss these people a lot, and gosh I care about all of them so much, I just can't take it anymore. And if that means only having my family and Sarah and Emma, then so be it.

Another thing is, Emma is leaving =[ and honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. These past couple months I have become so dependent on her. I mean, I am soo happy and excited that she's going off to college and is going to have so many great opportunities, because its what she needs right now I think. But I'll just miss her you know. And church is going to be weird without her.

Sometimes I wish that I was leaving too; I really wish that I could get out of Harrisburg. Or really out of North Carolina. Only thing that keeps from applying to a million out of state colleges, is having to leave my family and Sarah. But I'm tired of things here. I want something different. And I don't want to have to deal with select people here anymore.

Select people really just being Person4. Which I'm sure everyone knows who Person4 is, or can guess. But I don't care, we're just going to call them P4. I just don't understand them at all; and they never are honest so I never know what they are really thinking. Because you can't make me think that we are best friends, and then a couple months later just freak out and tell me that I'm just like every other one of their half-friends and that I'm not worth their time. Maybe other people can deal with going back and forth like that, but I care about P4 and I don't want to sit there and just be friends whenever they feel like it. It makes me too sad, and confused. And I'm tired of trying really hard and feeling like I get nothing back, and that its all just wasted effort. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't tried to be friends again back in September. Maybe if I had just dropped things, then I would have moved on by now and wouldn't still be dealing with crap. But I did learn a lot from them. I just feel so stupid for trusting them to be there, and for trusting them with my secrets, and trusting them to care about me. And I feel like I've wasted so much time on something that was never going to be good again.

And I feel like right now the only person that really likes me in my stake is Emma, so that kind of stinks.

But thats all the whining I have to do. There's actually a lot of good stuff going on too.

Right now I'm trying to see if I can take some college courses in the fall at CPCC, and I want to get another job. That way I'll have money from taking care of Gabriella, working for Tami, and my other job. So that will be exciting if I can get it to happen =]

I've been able to write a lot, and I'm doing pretty good, and I actually like everything I've written so far, so that is very very good. One day maybe I'll end up sending it out to some editors/publishers.

But the most important thing is that in this past month I have done a lot of getting closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior, and my beliefs. Girls Camp basically started it. It was absolutely amazing. I loved my first level girls so much. The spirit that they had was just overwhelming and every day I felt Heavenly Father's love for them. And I just would have done anything for those girls. And Testimony meeting there, I think I cried through the entire thing, it just touched my heart so much. And I felt the spirit so strong and I know now without a doubt that there is no other church on the Earth that could give me such a strong feeling of peace and happiness. And its really just progressed from there, and I feel more stable and in control and just happy with being a daughter of God than I have in a long time. I need him, and his love is what I need more than anything. I know what I want to do with myself now, and I know it without a doubt.

Which makes me super excited for EFY next week. It should be great. And I'm hoping that maybe things will be different and I'll be able to let go of myself a little more. One things for sure, after last year's EFY, it would be impossible for this year to be any worse =] haha. But as long as I am open and out there, and not shy, I think that I'll be fine. And I'll have Emma there to help me out, so it should be great.

Well, this is all kind of jumbled and I know that there was a lot more that I wanted to write about, but its already really long. Sooo today's picture is by NadavDov and the song is "Let It All Out" by RelientK.

"If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."