Addicted to Love

Well it's only been three weeks and already so much has changed. Time seems to pull everything apart, constantly reaping and sewing, leaving us all unsure of what the end product will be.

I won't be leaving for Western Carolina until January... Which I thought could be a good thing, but I'm not thinking that so much anymore. I'll be staying here and working and trying to do all that I can. I don't know. It will definitely be hard to watch Emma and Sarah leave. I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, I will. But still. I love them both so much, and I hate to be lonely.

And of course I worry. I worry so much about them. About if they're going to be okay, I don't like feeling displaced when people need me. That's what shoves wedges between me and people. I can't stand the thought of it, so I pull away. And it's hard to reconnect after the distance. And it gets harder every time. I don't know if that makes much sense really.

Tonight I finished reading The Host, it was my second time. I love it. It's my favorite book. It never fails to make me sad though; the way that she has wandered for so long and finally finds a place where she belongs and is loved. And all of the overwhelming compassion they feel for each other, and those dynamics. After it's over, it always leaves me empty. For hours I can get lost in this world where someone can find a home, and even through the longing and desperation and sadness, love still comes out on top, and it just fills me up with all the emotion- the good and the bad. And when it's done, it drains me. It's like, all that just leaves. And then it's over. Just, over. All that's left is yearning for something more.

I guess I'm just in a melancholy mood. And mostly beyond words. I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don't know how to.

I just hate that I had something dangled in front of my eyes, the one thing I really want. And for a split second I thought I had it. But the joke is on me. It was snatched away. I feel like I'll never have it.

Ugh. Alright, I'm tired. I should leave. Just let me say that I won't give up hope. One day it will all be right. I will find the things I want, even if I can't actually feel that now. I will force patience and hope.

And, I have a quote from The Host.

"It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it"