Until

I won't even go into my routine "I haven't blogged in ages" speech, it's just obviously been long time. But honestly I haven't had a lot to blog about, not a whole lot of huge feelings at least. And not until this month. I dedicated all of November to writing a first draft of a novel, which I am proud to say is currently at 50, 393 words; I just have a lot of stuff to edit and add now. I love the story, and any feelings I was having in November, I got to write out in my story. It was rejuvenating, and I really want to start dedicating a lot of time to my writing. Ali writes constantly and that's how she's gotten so good. Anyway, that and working at Harris Teeter and school work has been taking up almost all of my time. (By the way, I am DONE with school!)

But I figured I should blog with everything that I'm feeling tonight. It's a strange, bittersweet emotion that's filling me up. First of all, let me just say that this year my Christmas was wonderful. My family is getting along great and I love them with all my heart. I can feel Christ's presence in my life again and I'm working towards gaining a better relationship with Him and my Heavenly Father. It's difficult, I won't lie. But that light in my life is something that I need.

So it really isn't my own life that has been weighing heavily on my mind. It's the people around me. Everyone is going through an awful, awful time. Family after family after family is struggling and in pain and being ripped apart. It's the families that are being attacked and it hurts my heart to think about it. Especially since they are people that I know and love so very much.

There is such a great amount of death and pain and sadness. I know that it is a part of life; I guess I just worry too much. I try to be an optimist, but sometimes when I'm alone with just my own thoughts, it's hard to think like that.

My dad is over in rural Angola for the next 11 months as I mentioned a couple entries ago, back before I knew the details. We've been keeping in touch through email and it's been nice. Ali and I got to go on vacation with our Texas family right before Thanksgiving, and I loved that. I really hope that we get to keep in better touch with them. I worry about Daddy Wayne a lot with him being over there. I know he's okay, but I can't help but think about it. And think about the poor people that live over there where he is at; he says it's an awfully impoverished place.

But I don't want to talk about that anymore =/

Let's see, in the love department (I always have to talk about this stuff) things have actually changed quite a bit. It wouldn't seem like it, but there's been a significant change in me. As you would know if you ever read this blog, there has been someone who I've hopelessly wanted to be with for ages. Like... over 4 years now. And I just don't anymore. I still care and worry for him, and love him with all my heart, but I've gotten over him. Not "done with him" in an angry way or anything. But just, genuinely, I've realized that he's not good for me, and that I'm probably not good for him either. And I came to see that we're never going to be the same people again as much as I wish we would be. I don't feel that insane gravitation towards him, or feel as intensely about him. I never thought that it was true, but I guess time really does heal everything, just sometimes in a slow process. It's odd though- relieving, but at the same time it's left an emptiness.

I don't see myself with anyone now. It used to always be him. And maybe a couple months ago I would have told you that I could see myself with a boyfriend, but I just can't anymore. I won't go over it again, but I want so very much for someone to understand and take care of me. And I genuinely don't see myself ever opening up like that again. I've so carefully laid up a wall that I can't take down anymore. For some reason I don't completely understand, I burst out in tears today when a love song came on. (Which is not usual; I really don't remember the last time I'd cried before that.)

It's become a game without me realizing that it's happened. I talk to guys just long enough to see if I can win them over. Doesn't matter if their cute or whatever. But I don't like them and it's unfair. I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm getting texts and calls and having to avoid. I hate myself for it sometimes and I have to quit. It's mean.

But, in happier news, everyone is home for break. And I'm so grateful for it. It's so nice to have us all together. Being with Lindsay and Sarah and Emma and Katie makes me feel a little more like a teenager and a lot more loved. As long as I have them, I have no reason to complain.

I am extremely blessed to have the life that I do, and I don't want to create the illusion on here that I don't think that. Because I know I have a wonderful life. Everyone has to live with struggles and doubts. It's just how we learn to deal I guess.

Well, goodnight. It's 3am and I need some rest. Quote tonight is from "Little Death" by +44.

"And every night our lonely planet slides across the universe. And I won't pretend I understand."