Leave the Pieces When You Go

Just so everyone knows, it makes me happy to get comments from new people =] Thanks Kaitlyn and Austin.

I've been writing a lot lately in my novel; and it made me remember how much of a good distraction it is. It also made me remember how dang hard it is. But I love it.

So, yesterday I heard my mom talking on the phone to a certain anonymous person about how she thinks that one of my anonymous friends is depressed. And, unfortunately, I would have to agree. Now, I am not egotistical to the point where I would ever think that it is my fault (and I don't) But sometimes I wonder if this person would have been better off if they hadn't met me. That maybe they would be happier if not for me. Sometimes I think that, because of my selfishness, I inadvertantly prevented them from doing a lot of things that would have made them happier. It's funny how decisions work. Some of them you don't even realize that you've made until the consequences come. Some of them where you choose to ignore the possibility of a bad consequence. You are so caught up in what you want and how you feel that you forget to look at what might happen because of it. Blahh.

Anyway, I was talking to Ali and Chase the other night about the Twilight series and Ali was saying how Eclipse was her favorite and then I said that Twilight was mine. And Chase was saying how everyone likes Twilight because they're all in love with Edward. So it set me thinking about why exactly I love the first book so much. I mean, plot and character development and everything is better in Eclipse. So why is Twilight my favorite?

Its not because I'm smitten with Edward; and not because I think he's the perfect guy. I'm pretty sure that if he were real then I wouldn't fall for him. I mean, he's perfect for Bella though. And I think thats why Twilight is my favorite. Because its about two people who are crazy about each other and are in love even though every odd is against them.

And I really like the idea of true love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find it. I mean, don't think that I'm like "Ah I'm so hideous, I'll never get married because no guy will ever love me." Because I don't think that. But I just don't know if I'll be able to find someone who is as crazy about me as I am about them, and who cares about me. I just really wonder because it seems like I'll never be satisfied. There are plenty of cool guys that I could have gone for, but its like- the chemistry is never there, you know? It's pathetic, because I think I have only seriously liked one guy. I mean, yeah I've had other little crushes and junk like that. But its like, I can't find anyone that I click with. And I know that I'm still way young and I've got plenty of time- but sometimes I just don't see it ever happening. Finding a guy that I care about who cares about me too. It just seems so impossible.

I'm such an angsty teenager =] haha.

Emma told me the other day that I'm an open person, and for the first time I really realized that I am. I guess this blog is a testament to that haha. But I guess there are a lot of things that I hide too. But who knows; I surely don't. Like I've said, I don't really understand myself much.

Well, inspiration today is a picture by saccharinesmile and a quote from the song Goodbye by Smith Point.

"I believe in what you do, I've always believed in you- despite the words they say. So don't walk away this time, we've made it through so much worse; I don't want to run."

Dream On

So yesterday was the worst day I've had in a long while. Here is how it went: I got home from church and was yelled at by my dad for the millionth thing this week; for something that I thought I was actually doing RIGHT for once. So I went up to my room and pretty much stayed there until this morning; 18 hours. Except for coming out twice to eat. But now I'm feeling really sick. But at least I got a lot of sleep. And lots of time to think.

It's just like, I can't do anything right. Nothing that I do will ever be enough, so why try? I follow all the 20 million rules we have at our house. And I don't argue with him like Ali does, even when I disagree. And I let him say whatever he wants to about me and my life and boys, without saying anything. But you know, it will never be enough.

And I talked to my real dad on the phone on Thursday; and nothing I do for him will ever be enough either. To him, I can't be a nurse, I need to be a nurse practitioner or a doctor. I need to be graduating now. I need to be a genius and make a ton of money. And he wants me to force my mom to let us see him. But I can't do that. I'm tired of being stuck between the two of them. I'm tired of arguing about whats right and whats wrong. Telling them what I think isn't enough.

And I'll never be a good enough friend. No matter how much I'm there or how much I care, its not like I can really ever make them happy. And no matter how hard I try, its not like I can make someone care about me or trust me or want to be with me.

And I could go on about all the other things that I thought about yesterday that make me insufficient to other people, but this is already starting to sound like some kind of pity party. But its not; I just know that a lot of people can probably relate to these kind of feelings.

Second thing, I came to a conclusion over the course of the weekend. I need to stop being hopeful. Hope is probably the main source of any depression that I feel.

If you never get your hopes up, then they can't be crushed. Then you can't feel like an idiot. Then you don't have to lose your dignity. Then it won't hurt so much when something doesn't happen.

So, no more hoping. No more saying that I know something good is going to happen. Because it hurts when it doesn't happen; and I realize that it won't ever happen.

Anyways, I don't feel good, so I'm going to go take some medicine, wait for Gabriella to take her nap, and then go to sleep again. Todays inspiration is "Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin, and a picture by TheMadScientist.


"Two to one; Static to the sound of you and I undone for the last time. Oh, say you'll miss me one last time and I'll be strong"

Photographs and Memories

So the past week has been weird to say the least. Do you ever just feel like you can't figure anything out? and you feel like there's an answer right in front of you, but you just can't get to it? That's how I've been feeling.

I'm just trying to figure out if the thing that I want is the right thing for me and if it will make me happier in the end or if it will even work out if I try. But there is just so much doubt and confusion and anxiety and fear in me that I don't know what I should do.

And don't get me wrong, its not like I sit here and obsess over it all the time in a deep depression; generally speaking, things are very good and I'm very happy. It's just that with the lack of other things to worry me, this seems to be weighing on my mind a lot. Not to mention that writing again in the novel hasn't helped much with the matter, it reminds me of a lot of things that I try to block out. But oh well.

Anyway, last night I started making a list of all the things that I would want in a guy. And I realized that a big part of it is that I want to be able to make him happy. I want to be able to be someone that he wants to be around and be able to make him smile whenever he sees me. I want to make him happy. And then it made me kind of sad to realize that there is probably a total of one person that I can make happy, and that person is not a boy. So I guess it was a little disheartening. I've just gotten to the point where I think it will be a long time before I'm in a "relationship" (that seems like too serious of a word for a teenager to be using, but oh well) where I can make someone happy and they can make me happy. And it makes me sad. Because, as I've already said, I want that feeling of belonging again. And I want that fun and excitement of having a boyfriend. But oh well, there is nothing I can do about that. Any boy that I like, I can't make him happy. And any guy that likes me, he can't make me happy. So I'm kinda missing things all around.

Oh, and second topic. I'll try to make this short because I know that this entry is already getting kind of long and disjointed. But I've been getting that second-best feeling. I guess it comes with having such awesome friends like Emma and Sarah, but its like, everyone I know likes one of my friends better than they like me. I know that it's probably just one of those insecure type feelings, but the two of them are just so fantastic that I feel like I'll never be able to measure up. I mean, its not like I think that everyone doesn't like me or anything, its just sometimes I just feel like a stand-in for someone better, you know? Like, I'll never be enough for someone, that I'm just there until something better comes along. But insecurity is ever present, and its not like this is a big deal. Just thought that I would share and see if anyone (my imaginary readers) has felt the same way.

And just a quick side note. I said this earlier, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm depressed or unhappy. I realized that it probably seems like it in this blog, that all I do is sit around and think about all the negative things, but I really don't. This blog I guess has just become my way of getting out those thoughts about things that worry me. There are a lot of wonderfully fantastic things in my life, but there is so much that I would never be able to write it all down. And writing out my worries does me a lot of good. It takes some kind of weight off of me I guess.

Anyway, my daily inspiration is a sweet quote that I found today. And the picture is one of my own.

"I always want to be with you. You make me feel great, and I love being with you, and talking to you, and being close to you, and holding your hand, and all those little things. Gosh I'm so crazy about you. I want to be with you all the time. Just me and you."

Over My Head

So, first matters of business =] Kudos to Emma Baker (half of the famous Emri SMAKER haha) for being the first one to comment on my blog. She is probably the only person who has read it and for that, I appreciate her so much. She is pretty much awesome and I love her to death.

This week has definitely not been the best. I have a lot on my mind and I've been by myself all week, with the exception of Monday. I think I'm starting to understand why stay-at-home moms get depressed; you have so much time to think.

And I've been thinking about a lot. And I think it really comes down to the fact that people really confuse me.

The first group of people are arrogant jerks. You know, there were these guys the other day that were giving me crap about my friends and about me. They were doing it in a way that I couldn't say anything about it because they tried to make it seem like they weren't being mean; but they were. They were being jerks. And it just drives me crazy because they do it all the time with everyone. They are always tearing other people down and making them feel like crap. And I mean, it shouldn't bother me, but it does. Because the reason they do it is because we don't worship the ground they walk on; so I wish they would stop their "let-me-grace-you-with-my-presence" attitude, because they aren't all that. And they are not all high and mighty. And they are driving me crazy. I can't say anything without them giving me the "you're-an-idiot" look. And I mean, I hate that look. That look is the reason I used to be so shy and quiet. It isn't because I didn't want to talk, I just didn't want for people to look at me like an idiot. So I wish they would just stop. And the sad thing, is that they try to act like we're friends and that they are graciously allowing me to be friends with them. Well, guess what? I don't want to be friends with them, so they can just leave me alone. Oh and they need to leave the people I care about alone too, because bashing on them isn't cool either. Just because we don't worship them doesn't mean they need to nit-pick us apart. And now its more than just those guys from the other day, there are a lot of people who are like that and they confuse me; and make me mad.

Anyways, the second group of people that confuse me are guys. They confuse me to no end. Nothing they do makes sense to me. But maybe I'm just an idiot. I'd like to semi-understand them some day though. There are specific things, but I'm probably just overthinking things and so I'm going to keep this confusion to myself and hope that it passes.

The next group would be people who are constantly shouting their opinions in order to start an arguement. My dad is one of those people: its always about politics or boys or my life or my music or really anything. Its drives me freaking crazy.

Next group consists of myself; I don't understand myself at all sometimes.

But maybe all of this is just temporary; this week has just been a bad week. At least I'm pretty good at pretending.

Next week will be better though, I'm promising myself that.

Well, time for the daily inspiration. The quote is from "How To Save A Life" by The Fray, and the picture is by faerie-corpse69. The thing about this quote is that every time I hear I get something different out of it. By the way, the music video to this song is amazing if you haven't seen it.

"Between the lines of fear and blame, you begin to wonder why you came. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life."

Keep Holding On

I had more bad dreams last night and the night before; it reminded me how jealous of a person I am. I try not to be though.

Anyways, thats totally irrelevant with all the things I could be talking about right now. So on Sunday I got a new cousin =] Mandy had a baby girl and named her Tilly Anne. She's really cute. And then Sunday night, I was informed about the end of a relationship.

I guess life is just like that- so many beginnings and ends that all kind of weave themselves together to become life. It amazes me when I really think about it. And I suppose that every day is a beginning and an end and they just run into each other over time. Sometimes when I think about it I resent it; just resent time for bringing good things to an end. But other times I guess its hopeful; it helps you to know that there is an end to pain and there is always a new beginning every day.

Right now I'm seeing time as hopeful I guess. haha, as stupid as it is to say, I'm ready for some kind of relationship. You know, just to have a guy that I like to like me back and then just go for it. I mean, its been almost a year since I've had that. I mean, there have been other little things that don't really count. But yeah, thats what I want. Its my fault really for being so picky. I don't know, it just feels like its been so long since I've really felt that feeling of being able to fit right into someone's arms and know that they want you there. And I mean, I guess everyone wants that right? That feeling of being wanted by someone that you want too. I just miss it.

And on a related note, boys just really confuse me. Friendships with boys confuse me. haha.

Anyways, I should probably end this and do all the things that I'm supposed to be doing. Today I'm going with a quote from One Tree Hill =] It was from the episode last night. So, here's a picture by stuh and the quote below it is from Peyton.

"I come in here and sit in silence and hear the echoes of what we used to be."

All the Same

So, dreams are a funny thing. 9 times out of 10 they suck in one way or another- for me at least. I either have some sort of nightmare or I have a really good dream that makes me sad when I wake up because I realize it wasn't real. I had a night full of those last night and I kind of wished I could have dreamed like that forever and never had to wake up.

I haven't really decided which dreams are worse, the bad ones or the good ones.

It really perplexes me about what dreams actually are. What do you think? I'm still really unsure. All I know is that the mind is one incredible thing.

But anyways, last nights dreams got me thinking; I realize that I'm really missing something right now. And I just don't know how to get it. I think I finally know exactly what I want, and now that I know what I want- I can't have it. I still can't decide which is worse, not knowing what you want at all? or knowing what you want and having no means to ever get it? I mean, you can wish all you want to, but it only makes it that much more dissapointing in the end.

I have decided that dreams are stupid and that they are only there to remind you of things you don't want to think about. =/

Moving on though, I decided today that if my life was a greek tragedy then my tragic flaw would be the fact that I'm ruled by my emotions and my boy-weakness. Two really pathetic things in my opinion haha. What do you think yours are?

Ah I like how I address this to people, saying "you" and asking questions, when in actuality there is probably not one person who has read any of this or will ever comment. But thats okay =] because its still fun.

Anyways, time for some inspiration. The song is "Broken" by Lifehouse (one of my favorite songs ever) and the picture is by SnnR on DA.

"I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts."

Facing Up

So, due to the immense response I had yesterday to my entry I thought that it would be best that I wrote more. (yes, that was sarcasm haha) But I don't care, I'm going to write more anyways. Anyways, so it baffles me when boys say that girls are confusing. Maybe its because I'm a girl that I can't understand that, but maybe boys are just kind of slow because we aren't really that hard to figure out. I just don't think that majority of boys really pay enough attention to get it haha =]

So here are some general rules about girls, or at least in my opinion they pretty much apply to all girls.

One: This is the biggest rule of all because all the other rules come from this one rule. And it definitely applies to all girls. All girls are psycho. All of them. And if they tell you they aren't, then they are lying. And once you really understand this, then you don't really have anything else to figure out. And now in the following rules I'll tell you just why we are psycho =] haha.

Two: We are emotional basket-cases. One minute we're angry, then we're crying, and then we totally clam up. But it doesn't really have to be that way really; a lot of the times we just need someone to talk to. And most of the time we need someone to make us tell them. And I mean, we will tell you we are fine or that we are being stupid or that we don't want to talk about it. But 9 times out of 10 we do, we just need to know that someone cares enough. I know that should be confusing, but really its not.

Three: We overanalyze everything. Which is why its so hard that boys never tell us what they are thinking. Because then we have to guess and thats why we come to crazy conclusions. So clamming up around girls really does you no good because they will just come to some sort of insane assumption.

Four: We are very very very scared of being hurt emotionally. So if a girl cares about you but suddenly starts acting weird its because shes trying to make sure she isnt going to get hurt. So when a girl acts strange, just ask her why. Most of the time she just wants to know if you notice.

Five: Almost all girls have very low self-confidence. I'm sure that you already knew that. But what you might not know, is that most teenage girls' confidence comes directly from boys. We obsess about what you think of us. Even girls that act like they've got all this confidence, they are probably faking it. They have things that they are really insecure about. Believe me, we will just stand in front of the mirror in a group and talk about all the things we don't like about ourselves. All girls do it. And most of them do it because they need other peoples' approval about how they look. Honestly we could live off compliments.

Six: If we care about you then we don't care about how much money you spend on us. We just want you to spend time with us. It confuses me at how boys think that buying things for us is a big deal. Because we just like you to spend time on us. End of Story.

Seven: There is this crazy thing called PMS that boys think is blown out of proportion. Let me tell you- it isnt. Psychoness is multiplied by 100 when we are PMSing. So honestly, you can't truly understand us at that time, because we don't even understand ourselves.

Eight: We are very afraid of looking clingy. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are being annoying and following a guy around. So that is why we sometimes don't come up to you or ignore you or something like that. It isn't because we don't care.

Nine: We are evil and scheming. All of us. I mean, not that we're not nice or anything, but none of us are completely nice. We are all manipulating in one way or another haha. You just have to figure out the difference between the mean ones that are using the scheming to hurt other people and the ones that just scheme to get what they want or to find out something. I hope that made sense haha.

And Ten: We are psycho. haha. Just needed to reiterate.

So now I will let you in on a five quick secrets =]

One: It is impossible for a girl to like a boy who can't really make her laugh.

Two: We just want you to be yourself, you don't have to act any certain way or care about what other people think. We like you how you are.

Three: No matter how hott you are, an ugly personality will make you actually look ugly. And a good personality makes a guy sooo much cuter.

Four: We like it when you do stupid things. And we like it when you do little sweet things. Girls notice everything, so even the little things mean so much.

Five: A girl cant stay mad at you if you do one of the following things: hug her, make her laugh, make her smile, or take her hand. Believe me, those are all very very very easy ways to the end of an arguement haha.

So there you go. I doubt that anyone will read even half of this. But I think that I did a pretty good job at telling some truths about girls. Maybe next time I tell you all of the things that confuse me about boys and they can answer =] haha.

Alright, I'll leave with some inspiration! Song is "The Show Must Go On" (the Moulin Rouge version, b/c its my favorite) And the photo is from the artist Trinket on DeviantArt =]

"Outside the dawn is breaking, but inside in the dark I'm aching to be free. The show must go on."

kay, bye guys <3

First Time

Well, here goes nothing. haha, looks like its time for another blog. My old one was really just me blabbing on and on and on about my life. I don't know, maybe this one will be a little different. And maybe somewhere along the way I'll think of something you think is profound.

So today poppy brought home this folder thing from Wachovia all about financing for college, and I realized that while I want to start college in the fall- I have a whopping $30 to my name. And the likeliness of getting anything more than $500 by the fall is slim. And you know, I realized that I don't want to grow up. I mean, last year I would have told you that I'm so excited for college and being an adult and starting a family and having a job and blah blah blah. I remember someone asking me if I was ever scared and I said no with 100% honesty. Now though I'm starting to realize why Peter Pan didn't ever want to grow up. It's scary. You have to start dealing with responsibility and life and everything else. I mean, time is flying. And I guess I just don't want it to be over without some kind of adventure. I'm just so ready for some kind of excitement or adventure. I mean, back to the Peter Pan analogy, Wendy left on this adventure before she returned home to grow up. I want that I guess. I just feel like there is nothing extraordinary going on, and I want to have something amazing happen now before I have to start worrying about money and college and life. Does anyone else feel the same way about any of these things? Drop me a comment if you do. Actually, just drop me a comment in general haha.

Alright, so I'm going to share a couple cool things with you that I guess I'll call my daily inspiration. And todays will be the song "Paperthin Hymn" by Anberlin. It's really good, you should listen to it. And to go with that I've got a picture and quote from the song =] The picture is from ch-noah, an artist on DeviantArt.

"I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands."

Kay, bye guys. <3