Southern Weather

So everything around here is flooded. There is literally a stream running through both my front and back yard. Its gotten better since this morning, but its still pretty bad. All this rain has been sad though, and it stinks that I'll be stuck here all day.

Sitting around here makes me...nostalgic, I guess thats the right word for it. Everyone tells me that I think too much; I just wish that I could stop it. But there's really nothing much else to think about, nothing else to move on to or to distract me. I don't know. Sometimes I just lose sight of everything in the present, and just live in the past, or, when I write, live in my story. I spend so much time avoiding the now. Its like, I want so much to happen and to change and everything, but I just can't find it. I know that that doesn't make much sense.

I guess I'm going to be living vicariously through Sarah and Emma for a while, and just do whats required of me and have a good attitude about it. At least if I've got nothing else to distract me it gives me plenty of room to focus on school and my family and the Lord. Which I think is why I've been given this time. So I can focus on other things that are ultimately more important.

And I realized that I've been so busy trying to figure out whats wrong with me and figure out how I should act to make people like me and think that I'm cool and fun and all that other stuff, that I forgot that I shouldn't have to change. I've decided that there are going to be people who like me for who I am and there will be people who don't, and thats okay. And I just keep on telling myself that.

I keep on thinking of this quote that Emma always would tell me "Everything will be okay in the end, and if its not okay then its not the end."

I have faith that one day, probably without me even realizing it, things are just going to be better, and I'll know that its happened because that'll be the day that I stop going "Things were so much better when..." or "I wish I had done this when..." and stuff like that. And it'll happen =] Like I said last time, I'm working of patience, grace, and strength. Everything happens for a reason, and I think this is happening because I need to learn and grow from it.

Today's picture is from alanc79 and the quote is from Never Say I Told You So- The Almost.

"This is the part where you take your place and I just take mine. I've never been so sick- of seeing you so blind, of all the things you offer to the ones who forget you."

Lose It

Well, Emma left early this morning. I basically cried my eyes out yesterday and I don't know what to do now that she's gone. Everyone keeps on saying "you'll see her again in a couple months" but they don't understand that I still have to survive these months by myself. I feel so alone. Sarah is the only close friend I've got left. Its a good thing that I love her so much and that she's such an amazing person or else I would be hauled off to the psych ward within weeks haha.

I went to seminary this morning, and the lesson was good of course, I love Brother Barker and Brother Arter, but I can tell that the lesson is going to be the only thing to look forward to. Hanging around afterwards made me want to crawl under the carpet and die. And now I'm just sad. Its going to be hard going to seminary, and mutual, and on Sundays, without Emma there. It was already hard enough before. If I didn't know that the church was true and right then I doubt that I would come. But I do know its true, and I plan on trying to be at all those things, all the time. This is just another thing I'm gonna push through.

Anyways, I'm happy that I'm going back to work though; even though being over there will be tough, it will still be something to do during the day, and then I've got my computer class on Monday nights, and in October I'll have English for a couple hours 3 days a week. I just want to keep busy. I've been writing a whole lot. Lets just hope I can survive being grounded this week and not being able to see Sarah.

Oh, and my last point of the blog: I am in looove with the song "No Handlebars" by Flobots. If you haven't heard it then go watch the music video on YouTube. Its one of the most amazing things ever; its really sad- its about innocence, and decisions, and the danger of power. At least thats what I get out of it. If anyone reads this (because I don't really know if anyone does, besides the couple that leave me comments) listen and tell me what you think of when you hear it. I think its a song that is pretty powerful and will probably mean different things to different people.

Okay, so one more point. Sorry, I was reading quotes from One Tree Hill, because I love their quotes, and I found something that I love and I want to put it on here so that I don't forget it. This was said by Peyton:
"And so I wish for patience, grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want."
This basically describes things right now for me; and if you're reading this, then you are probably close enough to me to know that.

Alright, to end things, I've got a picture that just really really hit me when I saw it, its a photograph by Raul called 'People Die Alone'. The quote is by George Bernard Shaw.

"There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it."

Why Should I Cry For You?

Things have gotten better and worse. Worse because its getting tougher to deal with the boy situation. I don't think I like who I thought I liked; I might like someone who I didn't think I would like; and I'm still struggling to deal with something that shouldn't matter. Last night things just kind of collapsed and it got tougher.

But I've been feeling better too. I've just become more okay with everything. Its like, when you put things into perspective, its just so much easier to be happy. There is a plan for me, and if it includes this right now, then so be it. I guess a big part of life is just waiting for something that is right, and try to be happy while you're doing it. I just sometimes feel like I'll never find the right thing. But we had a fireside today and I talked to Sarah a little earlier about how I feel about the truth of the church and the gospel. And I realize that as long as I have the gospel, I'm going to be just fine.

On a different note, I turned seventeen yesterday. The day wasn't bad or anything, I had fun for the most part, but it just made me want to freeze my age. I'm not ready to have to start growing up yet, and I just feel like I missed something important along the way. But maybe everyone feels like that. I know I'm excited about time moving on and things changing, but it still scares me, because what if things don't change? Or if they do, what happens if they change for the worse? I guess you can't think like that though.

I'm happy, but I'm sad too you know. I just feel like there is a big part of me that is missing, and the reason why is so stupid. I just don't understand things I guess. But there is something that I'm starting to figure out; I never understood how thin the line was between love and hate, and I think I'm realizing it now.

Anyways, todays quote is from Lifeline- Angels & Airwaves, and the picture is by DzSuperBoy.

"With an urgent, careful stare, I see panic in those eyes. If I see you lying there, hoping this was the last time; If you hear a distant sound, and some footsteps by your side. When the world comes crashing down, I will find you if you hide. We all make mistakes, here's your lifeline; if you want it I want to."

Be Still My Beating Heart

So, to start out, I finally put up music for my blog like I've been meaning to do for forever. Thats why there is a playlist above this. If you've noticed, all my entry titles are songs, and I usually have a quote from a song, so I've put all those songs in the playlist, with the exception of The Runaways-Anberlin, Goodbye-Smith Point, and Facing Up-Kate Voegele, they weren't on the website.

Anyways, I don't really know what I want to say, but I think once I start writing I'll think of plenty of things.

I want to leave, badly. I'm tired of things here and I'm so sick of people getting upset with me over nothing that I could scream. It's like people treat me like dirt and when I finally say something, they hate me. This is why I get walked over all the time, I can't say anything without them thinking I'm angry or terrible or crazy. And please if they have something to say, they should just say it to me. I want to just leave, I'm tired of all the stupid drama here, I don't want to be a part of it. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can just get out of here for a while.

I feel like something must be wrong with me, something that drives everyone away or makes them hate me. Its like something bad always happens with the people I love the most. So I've gotten to the point where I don't want anyone to get close anymore, or I'm scared of letting someone get close. I feel like if people don't get close, they won't be able to hurt me when they find out they hate me. So maybe even leaving here wouldn't fix things, but you never know.

Most of the time I just don't think about it, so its not like I'm depressed or anything, but its nice to get it out on here. Mostly I'm happy and keeping myself busy, but everyone has those things that nag at them.

And I think I'm finally starting to learn how to let go of something that I don't want to let go of. Its hard, but I think I'm doing it, finally. I think I'm crossing into unknown territory and it scares the crap out of me, but I'm ready for it too. I think I'm finally starting to realize what I want.

So todays picture is by spako and the quote is from Kiss From A Rose- Seal.

"There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea; you became the light on the dark side of me."