Waiting for You

One month and I'm gone. That's it. In one month, I will be sitting in my dorm room at Western Carolina as long as everything goes according to plan.

Taking little trips down memory lane probably isn't the best thing for me, but oh well. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me terribly sad. Things have changed so much but I just can't find the significance of it all. I know it's there, but in the past year so little has changed, except me. The things that did happen, feel surreal. But maybe thats just a way to deal. Ah who knows.

I'm getting really frustrated with everything. I've been kind of a grump lately, but I try not to show it too much.

There are just times that I feel totally invisible. I don't understand it. It's like one second it's all there and everything is good, and then it's like you aren't even there. I mean, I can deal with it, and I do. I've gotten to the point these days where I'm pretty strong and things don't upset me like they used to, but it still bothers me. It always bothers me.

And I know I already talked about it, but I'm really worried my birthday is going to suck. I mean, I thought about it today and this year I really want it to be better than the last two. I mean, on my 16th birthday I found out Connor liked Taryn again and I spent the whole day pretty much just being sad. And then my 17th I went to a church dance, which was even worse. The dance was terrible and the night ended with Emma and Sarah both being super sad. I got some cute clothes though, so that was a plus.

But I really want this one to not suck. And if we go to the concert, I don't think it will. But still, I don't know if it we'll actually be able to go. Just turning eighteen in general will kind of stink in its own way.

And I guess to be honest, lately I've just been jealous. I've tried so hard not to be, but I am. Emma fell in love with this amazing guy this year and he loves her and she gets that whole amazing experience, and she's just such a great person. And Sarah, everyone loves Sarah. I mean, she is just infectious and makes people fall in love with her. Guys fall all over her. And it's hard for me to watch. I am so proud of her and the fact that she is so great and loveable is part of why she's my best friend, but I can't help but feeling like I'm second rate. It's not that I think badly of myself, but everyone wants to be wanted. And I want that. I want to just feel like someone I want, wants me back. I want to feel at home. I know it's so angsty teenager, but I want that boy. I want one who wants to know, and wants to listen, that I don't have to watch what I say around. I want one who appreciates me and who cares. And if I can't have those things yet, thats okay. But I wish that I had a sign that it was possible. It just seems so farfetched right now.

And I miss talking to one of my friends. A lot. I wish I could call him up now to talk. And I hate that I can't. I hate that everyone around me can go to him about their problems and get a hug and nice words, but that he's the one person that can't be there for me anymore. It sucks you know =/ sometimes it just really, really sucks. Because sometimes he's the one person I need.

Anyways, now that I've gotten all that out, I'd better go. The quote is With Me by Sum 41.

"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt,
Pieces of memories fall to the ground."

Everlasting Friend

So, I feel like a lot has happened in the past month and a half, and I've been majorly slacking with my entries. Hopefully I'll get a little better. I know that I'm going to forget half of what I wanted to say.

Tonight I started writing again. I'm close to 13,000 words now, and no one has read any of it. I wish that I could find someone to. Someone that would actually be honest. And someone I could trust with my words. I really like the story, but then again, I'm kind of attached to it.

Anyways, I'm going to school in the fall and I'm scared out of my mind. Why are big changes like this the things that I want and yet I'm most terrified of them? I guess I just feel like I'm walking into unknown territory. Sure, things around here aren't really great, but at least I know how to handle it. Sucky Harrisburg is something that I'm used to, I can deal with it. New and exciting WCU, on the other hand, is terrifying. Also, all the school work I have left is sending me into major stressing.

I am so very glad I'm leaving though, in spite of my fears, there's nothing left here for me except my family.

Lately I've been kind of down on myself. I acted in a way that I'm not proud of. I showed a side of me to someone that I should have kept to myself, I want to be good and be an example. I'm a little ashamed. I should be helping and encouraging, not adapting to be what's wanted. Even the good guys want girls to be a certain way, and I don't want to be that. I want to be good. I want to influence others to be good.

I feel a little distant from everyone these days, even with both Emma and Sarah being around more often. I guess it's part of growing up. Things change. It makes me sad though, I wish I could change it.

And lately I've been really anxious to have a conversation with one of my friends that I should have had at the beginning of the summer. It needs to be said. I want to prove to myself that I can be brave. And I'm going to. I already know that things won't turn out good, but it needs to be done.

I know I'm not being very eloquent, but it's almost four in the morning and I can't really think straight. I knew though that if I didn't post something now, I wouldn't later.

Also, my birthday is less than a month away. It makes me a little sad. I was going to do something for it, but I think I've changed my mind. I think Emma, Sarah, and I are going to go to a concert, and I'll see how many people actually notice that it's my bday. I know, self-pity. But I'm allowed a little, right? It's just that after my past two birthdays (esp the last one haha), I don't really have high hopes for this year. We'll see.

So, last thing, I went to my dad(the one in texas)'s house for this first time in three years. I would write a lot about it, but I'm about to fall asleep. But I'll just say that I wish I'd done it a while ago. Ah, then again, I might not have been ready then. Anyways, seeing Kenzi and Riley was great, and so was seeing my dad and Sandi. I want to be so much closer to all of them, it seems so impossible though. If I can hardly keep close with the people around here, how am I supposed to manage it with them being in Texas? And it's tough to have two families that you feel responsible to. But I do have two. And that's what counts, do I'll just have to deal. It's weird though. It's all weird.

Alright, I know I'm not making any sense so I'm going to just close with a quote from Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie.

"And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap."