Waiting for You

One month and I'm gone. That's it. In one month, I will be sitting in my dorm room at Western Carolina as long as everything goes according to plan.

Taking little trips down memory lane probably isn't the best thing for me, but oh well. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me terribly sad. Things have changed so much but I just can't find the significance of it all. I know it's there, but in the past year so little has changed, except me. The things that did happen, feel surreal. But maybe thats just a way to deal. Ah who knows.

I'm getting really frustrated with everything. I've been kind of a grump lately, but I try not to show it too much.

There are just times that I feel totally invisible. I don't understand it. It's like one second it's all there and everything is good, and then it's like you aren't even there. I mean, I can deal with it, and I do. I've gotten to the point these days where I'm pretty strong and things don't upset me like they used to, but it still bothers me. It always bothers me.

And I know I already talked about it, but I'm really worried my birthday is going to suck. I mean, I thought about it today and this year I really want it to be better than the last two. I mean, on my 16th birthday I found out Connor liked Taryn again and I spent the whole day pretty much just being sad. And then my 17th I went to a church dance, which was even worse. The dance was terrible and the night ended with Emma and Sarah both being super sad. I got some cute clothes though, so that was a plus.

But I really want this one to not suck. And if we go to the concert, I don't think it will. But still, I don't know if it we'll actually be able to go. Just turning eighteen in general will kind of stink in its own way.

And I guess to be honest, lately I've just been jealous. I've tried so hard not to be, but I am. Emma fell in love with this amazing guy this year and he loves her and she gets that whole amazing experience, and she's just such a great person. And Sarah, everyone loves Sarah. I mean, she is just infectious and makes people fall in love with her. Guys fall all over her. And it's hard for me to watch. I am so proud of her and the fact that she is so great and loveable is part of why she's my best friend, but I can't help but feeling like I'm second rate. It's not that I think badly of myself, but everyone wants to be wanted. And I want that. I want to just feel like someone I want, wants me back. I want to feel at home. I know it's so angsty teenager, but I want that boy. I want one who wants to know, and wants to listen, that I don't have to watch what I say around. I want one who appreciates me and who cares. And if I can't have those things yet, thats okay. But I wish that I had a sign that it was possible. It just seems so farfetched right now.

And I miss talking to one of my friends. A lot. I wish I could call him up now to talk. And I hate that I can't. I hate that everyone around me can go to him about their problems and get a hug and nice words, but that he's the one person that can't be there for me anymore. It sucks you know =/ sometimes it just really, really sucks. Because sometimes he's the one person I need.

Anyways, now that I've gotten all that out, I'd better go. The quote is With Me by Sum 41.

"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt,
Pieces of memories fall to the ground."