Disintegration

I feel so lost.

Like there isn't a way back to having a place where I feel safe anymore. Because its not whats outside that scares me, its whats inside.

If I had died, who would really honestly completely care? Who's lives would it change? Who really cares about me now? Who really knows me now? Who really wants to know me?

My friends are gone. My safehaven is gone. I feel like a stranger around everyone.

How many people heard and didn't care? didn't call? didn't say anything at all? Too many to count. So many that it doesn't feel real. The only reminder I have is the pain in my body and on my face and in the eyes of someone else who could have died.

All these thoughts are just too much for me to carry around. What have I done to leave behind? How would I be remembered? As a stranger? As someone who was never forgiven? or loved?

My head hurts and my heart hurts and I don't know where I'm at anymore. Its October and I can't tell you one truly great thing that has happened to me in the past three months. Nothing meaningful even. Three months of wasted time. But what else can I do? I feel like I'm just stuck at this house with my thoughts and my anger and my sadness, with only two or three people outside this house that care at all. If I was in the hospital, who would come? Who would be there?

I guess I just wish that I had someone to hold me and tell me that theyre so happy that I'm okay and that they love me. Someone to hold my hand and tell me its all over now. I guess I want to go out being loved and in love. People say there is plenty of time to find someone you love and who loves you. But what if there isn't?

What if there isn't?

What does it matter if all that you have is hate and anger and jealousy and grudges that were never forgiven?

I mean, I am so grateful for the family and close friends I've got. But I just wonder, is that all there is ever going to be for me?

I deleted my MySpace and Facebook. Because I can't stand to keep on pretending like everything is normal and fine and I'm just peachy, when things aren't like that. I'm tired of pretending, and if that makes me weak then so be it.

I'm just so scared.

Scared of dying without leaving behind anything meaningful.

Scared of no one knowing who I am.

Scared of never falling in love again.

Scared of it always being me and my thoughts.

Just scared to death.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Picture is from Pyrotechnician and the song is Pictures of You - The Cure. I've been listening to their album Disintegration constantly. Its possibly one of the greatest albums ever created.

"Looking so long at these pictures of you, but I never hold on to your heart. Looking so long for the words to be true, but always just breaking apart."

Never Take Friendship Personal

I was thinking about something today. Its odd, when you're little you are taught what to do when a stranger comes up to you, or what happens if theres a fire, or what to do in an emergency, and all those things. Those things that have simple answers. Don't talk to them; meet at a designated spot; call 911.

But its funny, looking back, the things that actually matter the most are the things that no one told you about. How do you deal with peer pressure? How do you deal with loneliness? What about when your parents get a divorce? or when someone dies? or how do you deal with an addiction? Why doesn't anyone teach you about anything that matters? They don't tell you how to deal with real anger and jealousy; they don't tell you how to forgive someone who really hurts you. They don't teach you about falling in love or getting your heart broken. They don't tell you about wars and starvation and poverty; they don't tell you about nuclear weapons and crooked politics. They don't teach you about how to deal with lack of confidence or confusion or how to decide your future. I mean, I know its like telling a kid that Santa isn't real. But you grow up thinking that life is a cake walk, and then its like BAM! Now, deal with it. I don't know. I guess its just like, all those years worrying about being kidnapped or my house burning down or having to call 911, I should have been thinking about how to defend myself against things that are so much more personal, you know?

In other news, honesty is dying. Just thought everyone should know. Lies and dishonesty seem to be eating away at the people in my life. It makes me sad.

Anyways, I don't remember where else I was going with this. So I guess I'll end it. The quote is from Never Take Friendship Personal by Anberlin, and the picture was made by Plim-Chan.

"Once a skeptic, now the critic. And you figured you finally found a place of your own amongst the cold and timid souls where only failure knows your name. Look around for the closest to blame, but look no further than the hands beneath your arms."