Cross Me Off Your List

Well, I'm blogging sooner than I thought I would be. But I guess I've got more stuff to ramble on about.

So, last night Olivia went to church with us. And it was so odd, but I got really jealous; it took me a while to figure out why, but then it hit me. I didn't really care (that much, haha) that she was flirting with all the guys, or even that she was wearing my clothes while she did it. But what it truly, honestly, was, was that Olivia, in one night, managed to feel more at home at my church, than I've felt in almost a year.

I just feel like something old and used up that no one cares about anymore, I'm just old news- something to be overlooked. I don't remember what it feels like anymore to have real friends there, and to feel like someone actually wants me around, instead of just tolerating me being around. And that's where I get to the idea of wanting to change, like I talked about in my last post.

And most of all, I hate that I care so much about this. I hate that it messes me up just thinking about how I don't feel like I belong there anymore. And I know that I've talked about this before, but I can't get it out of my head. Every time I'm there I just feel like a stranger. I feel like no one likes me, or they just don't care enough to go either way.

I don't know what happened, which is one of the hardest parts of it. It's just like, one day everything was great, and then suddenly, it was all gone. And now it's so hard to go to church. I know that's terrible to say, because I really don't want people to affect my attendance, but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'm just lonely. Not depressed or anything, just lonely. And worried.

I don't know, I'm such a whiner. A whiner with no friends.

You know, it's weird. I typed "haha" at the end of that last sentence and then thought better of it. And I do it a lot. I type haha and act like it's funny, when, in all reality, it isn't at all. I've been doing it for ages, and it needs to stop.

Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of seminary, which is kind of bittersweet. Just like graduation. I had some pretty great times in seminary. None of which happened this year, but the past three years were a lot of fun. It just makes me sad that it's over, and ending this way too.

I just hold tight to the hope that I'll find someone I love, that loves me for me. Because I can't be a Sarah, or an Emma, or an Olivia, or an Ali. I can only be Tori. And I just worry that it won't ever be enough for someone.

Okay, before this pity party gets any worse, I'm going to end. Quote is from Rest In Pieces- Saliva

"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again, cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did- it has not healed with time- it just shot down my spine. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"