Well, I'm back sooner than I thought I would be- this will be short though. The weekend kind of got worse last night, and, to put it in Ali's words, I "got everything that was coming" to me. I think that I could have rounded up a firing squad of people that I've hurt. Blah. Anyway, tonight's another lonely one, I'm missing a few people right now- three people to be exact. All of them much too far out of my reach- in more than one way.
I wish I was going away to college in the spring. I wish I was even able to go to a university then. But I made my own bed. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I just want to make sure I'm not missing out on life.
I wish that love could just be love, and anger could be anger, and joy could be joy. I wish that regrets could be dealt with and memories could stay as simply memories. I wish that truth would always win out and being yourself could always be as simple as it should be. I wish there weren't reasons to cover emotions and that sadness could be accepted as just that. I wish that nostalgia could be easier to deal with. I wish that dreams of the past didn't exist as a constant reminder. I wish this world was a better place. I wish there was a way to ease everyone's pain.
Anyway, I've gone into rambling mode, so I'll quit that.
I've just been thinking recently, I really want to be a worthwhile person, you know? I want to be interesting and worthy of love and full of life and joy. I want to be someone who is deserving of real love. And I guess that's why it's been so long since I've had someone who cared about me for me and who I was able to open to, because I'm just not there. Who cares about this home-schooled girl who left school because of lack of confidence and has spent the last year and a half wasting time and hiding her heart? What is there for people to get to know about me? I can flirt, but what's beneath that? I'm not even sure if I know anymore. And this isn't who I want to be. I want to be happy and loving and capable and talented and beautiful. And I'm not. No one can love a shell, and a shell isn't capable of loving either. And maybe that's part of the problem, no one needs me anymore; I have always felt like I needed to protect and help my friends. And they just don't need me anymore and I think it's taken away part of me. I don't know. It's late and I'm probably just thinking too much. This is probably one of those times where self-reflection isn't in my best interest.
Blog Music
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I Keep My Secrets Safe
It's been a long time since I've written- I've started a journal now so I haven't needed to write as much. But today has just been a pretty awful day and I honestly just need someone to talk to. Sarah and her boyfriend just broke up so I definitely can't complain to her, and my mom is incredibly stressed out about her new job. And I don't know, I hate calling up people to whine. I hate being weak. I want to be okay and be strong. I mean, things aren't really that bad at all, it's just been a bad day.
I found out last night that my dad (the biological one) is taking a job in a rough part of Africa. I don't know all the details yet. And I know it sounds dumb considering I've only seen him twice in the past four years, but it's still scary. I do love him, and I'm worried for him. And I'm worried for my mom with this new job... she's going to be working a lot and I don't want this to be like her old job at MMG. I mean, she'll be making a lot more money, but I'm scared for her. It's going to be a big change. And I'm worried about Sarah and Emma and the respective problems that they're dealing with. And it's all a little overwhelming, because there's nothing I can do.
Things have just been so weird lately. I'm working a lot, and I like my job, but I'm also not going anywhere with my schoolwork. I mean, I could get done half a course in a week over the summer when I had time to sit down and do it. But I guess I feel so unmotivated. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to make a difference, and I want to be happy. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm thinking I may just stay here and go to CPCC until next fall. Which I hate, because I know that I can do better. I know that I'm not living up to my potential. But I guess it's mostly fear. And now I feel like I've trapped myself with no other options. But it's only a year, and I can live with that.
But all that isn't even what's been getting me so down all day, that's more of the icing on the cake type thing- or whatever the negative equivalent to that metaphor is. I feel so lost, like I don't belong in my own skin. I don't feel like myself, and I've felt really lonely lately. I keep on talking to/dating these guys, and every time it's the same. In the beginning I get really excited and think things are going to be great. 2 weeks in and it's done. I lose all interest. It's draining me and I don't even want to deal with guys anymore. I'm just done with having to go through the same disappointment every time when it's just not there. And I hate leading them on. I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to keep hurting myself. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is there no one out there that's even close to right for me? I know I'm only 18, but I haven't had actual feelings in a relationship in a long time. I get so mad at myself, and I don't know how to fix it. And now that Sarah and Emma are gone, I don't have anyone here that I'm real friends with. I haven't just "hung out" with someone since they left. It's always with some guy, and I'm tired of it. And I hate that these guys think they really like me and are into me- and they don't even know me! They don't even bother to get to know me. I don't even know the last time that someone actually liked me for me. But that's probably my fault too. I don't know how to open up to people anymore. I don't even know if I want anyone close to me anymore. I feel so lost.
I wish I could just go back, you know? To change things, or relive them, or whatever. But I guess that's the whole point, I can only move forward, and if I keep trying to go back, I'll just keep making the same mistakes like I've been doing for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to drive myself over the edge you know- go crazy, make lots of new mistakes, not do the right thing for once, but I can't make myself do it. I don't want to, it's not who I am. I just wish I had a friend here to lean on =/ Someone who knows me. But I guess I've said that a few times already. It's late, I should probably go, I'm really just rambling now. I just don't want to go to bed with this sad feeling in my chest.
Goodnight; tonight's quote is from Heart's a Mess by Gotye.
"You have lost too much, love, to fear, doubt, and distrust- It's not enough. You just threw away the key to your heart."
I found out last night that my dad (the biological one) is taking a job in a rough part of Africa. I don't know all the details yet. And I know it sounds dumb considering I've only seen him twice in the past four years, but it's still scary. I do love him, and I'm worried for him. And I'm worried for my mom with this new job... she's going to be working a lot and I don't want this to be like her old job at MMG. I mean, she'll be making a lot more money, but I'm scared for her. It's going to be a big change. And I'm worried about Sarah and Emma and the respective problems that they're dealing with. And it's all a little overwhelming, because there's nothing I can do.
Things have just been so weird lately. I'm working a lot, and I like my job, but I'm also not going anywhere with my schoolwork. I mean, I could get done half a course in a week over the summer when I had time to sit down and do it. But I guess I feel so unmotivated. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to make a difference, and I want to be happy. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm thinking I may just stay here and go to CPCC until next fall. Which I hate, because I know that I can do better. I know that I'm not living up to my potential. But I guess it's mostly fear. And now I feel like I've trapped myself with no other options. But it's only a year, and I can live with that.
But all that isn't even what's been getting me so down all day, that's more of the icing on the cake type thing- or whatever the negative equivalent to that metaphor is. I feel so lost, like I don't belong in my own skin. I don't feel like myself, and I've felt really lonely lately. I keep on talking to/dating these guys, and every time it's the same. In the beginning I get really excited and think things are going to be great. 2 weeks in and it's done. I lose all interest. It's draining me and I don't even want to deal with guys anymore. I'm just done with having to go through the same disappointment every time when it's just not there. And I hate leading them on. I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to keep hurting myself. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is there no one out there that's even close to right for me? I know I'm only 18, but I haven't had actual feelings in a relationship in a long time. I get so mad at myself, and I don't know how to fix it. And now that Sarah and Emma are gone, I don't have anyone here that I'm real friends with. I haven't just "hung out" with someone since they left. It's always with some guy, and I'm tired of it. And I hate that these guys think they really like me and are into me- and they don't even know me! They don't even bother to get to know me. I don't even know the last time that someone actually liked me for me. But that's probably my fault too. I don't know how to open up to people anymore. I don't even know if I want anyone close to me anymore. I feel so lost.
I wish I could just go back, you know? To change things, or relive them, or whatever. But I guess that's the whole point, I can only move forward, and if I keep trying to go back, I'll just keep making the same mistakes like I've been doing for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to drive myself over the edge you know- go crazy, make lots of new mistakes, not do the right thing for once, but I can't make myself do it. I don't want to, it's not who I am. I just wish I had a friend here to lean on =/ Someone who knows me. But I guess I've said that a few times already. It's late, I should probably go, I'm really just rambling now. I just don't want to go to bed with this sad feeling in my chest.
Goodnight; tonight's quote is from Heart's a Mess by Gotye.
"You have lost too much, love, to fear, doubt, and distrust- It's not enough. You just threw away the key to your heart."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
