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Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Your star
I hate going to bed with my head all messed up. Thoughts tangled, sheets tossed, eyes shut, chest tight, trying to block it out. But it's there. And it keeps me awake even when I'm so very desperate to drift away.
Monday, February 8, 2010
So Close
Oh how I've been thinking so much lately. Especially today, hence this post. Please bear with me (whoever is out there?) as I attempt to make some sort of sense of my muddled thoughts.
I've been feeling uneasy a lot and probably a little more restless than I usually am. I just feel like I do so little now. Go to work, be with friends, clean my room, take care of Bella. Mainly, I just want to be at school- I feel some crazy urge to learn and study- to move forward- but I'm stuck and it's maddening. The mind is meant to be enlightened, we're meant to progress. I see everyone around me going to school and learning, honing whatever skills are crucial to their future. Sometimes its hard to imagine mine. What do I even want to do? I think I want something, and then I just don't. I'm going to start reading my old textbooks soon if this doesn't improve.
But I really shouldn't complain, I have so many good things, and I've been so much happier recently and consistantly, than I can remember being in a while. It's nice to have people around me; to feel wanted. It's nice to know that there are arms that will welcome you. Arms to hold you. So few people ever feel that. So few people have known the blessings that I've been given. I don't know, I feel ungrateful for even having that sad feeling in my stomach and my head. It doesn't belong here in my string of happy events. But of course I don't blog unless I'm sad most times, unfortunate as that is.
I don't really even fully know why I feel the way I do. It largely has to do with a great book I just finished, Looking for Alaska. I read it cover to cover today. Amazing book. Definitely makes it into my top. And I can't shake the feelings of discontent it gave me. Let's see.. here's a quote that summed it up nicely: "That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him the world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without." That's the feeling I have, and I don't understand it. But in the book, he talks about forgiveness and how forgiving, and understanding that we are forgiven as well is the only way to escape the "labyrinth of suffering," and that somehow we never fully die. That we cannot fail because we are greater than the sum of our parts. I know I'm just randomly throwing things out, but I just feel so affected and I don't know how to fully explain or even comprehend how I feel. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness myself.
Restless and searching for something unknown. But that's just life I suppose- looking for the "Great Perhaps."
I feel like there's more that I should write, but I just don't know what to say. Today's quote is from Little Hotel - Modest Mouse
"I know that I don't want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry."
I've been feeling uneasy a lot and probably a little more restless than I usually am. I just feel like I do so little now. Go to work, be with friends, clean my room, take care of Bella. Mainly, I just want to be at school- I feel some crazy urge to learn and study- to move forward- but I'm stuck and it's maddening. The mind is meant to be enlightened, we're meant to progress. I see everyone around me going to school and learning, honing whatever skills are crucial to their future. Sometimes its hard to imagine mine. What do I even want to do? I think I want something, and then I just don't. I'm going to start reading my old textbooks soon if this doesn't improve.
But I really shouldn't complain, I have so many good things, and I've been so much happier recently and consistantly, than I can remember being in a while. It's nice to have people around me; to feel wanted. It's nice to know that there are arms that will welcome you. Arms to hold you. So few people ever feel that. So few people have known the blessings that I've been given. I don't know, I feel ungrateful for even having that sad feeling in my stomach and my head. It doesn't belong here in my string of happy events. But of course I don't blog unless I'm sad most times, unfortunate as that is.
I don't really even fully know why I feel the way I do. It largely has to do with a great book I just finished, Looking for Alaska. I read it cover to cover today. Amazing book. Definitely makes it into my top. And I can't shake the feelings of discontent it gave me. Let's see.. here's a quote that summed it up nicely: "That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him the world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without." That's the feeling I have, and I don't understand it. But in the book, he talks about forgiveness and how forgiving, and understanding that we are forgiven as well is the only way to escape the "labyrinth of suffering," and that somehow we never fully die. That we cannot fail because we are greater than the sum of our parts. I know I'm just randomly throwing things out, but I just feel so affected and I don't know how to fully explain or even comprehend how I feel. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness myself.
Restless and searching for something unknown. But that's just life I suppose- looking for the "Great Perhaps."
I feel like there's more that I should write, but I just don't know what to say. Today's quote is from Little Hotel - Modest Mouse
"I know that I don't want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry."
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