Number one, I saw this old lady at the hospital the other day when Mommy went to go and get some xrays done (shes fine) and she is wheeled in, and she has to be at least eighty or so. And her nurse wheels her over to this guy thats probably in his fifties. And she smiles and says "Oh son, your the only thing I've got left. I'm so glad you came." He was there to take her to all of her appointments. The nurse said she'd come and get her after they were done. The little old lady sounded so sad. It made me want to cry. It must be so sad to get older and feel like you've got nothing left. I feel bad for the older people that are in hospitals or nursing homes and they dont have anyone there or they start falling apart mentally and physically. Its really sad. But maybe thats an ignorant thing to say. I don't know.
And the second thing, is that I finally stopped feeling empty and I figured out whats wrong with me. I feel like I've kind of slipped between the cracks, you know. Like, everyone that I was important to, I'm not so important to them anymore. And everyone that I care about, doesn't need me anymore. I guess I realized that I need people to need me. And now I guess no one really needs me. I know its a stupid problem to have, but its the truth. I want to really matter to someone. I mean, I know that I have friends that probably depend on me. But they don't need me, they just need someone. And I guess thats the part that stinks. But I can't really tell if I'm unraveling or if I'm just hardening myself now. Guess its kind of both. I know that doesnt make much sense.
Last thing is that I'm getting tired of putting myself on the line. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of people messing with my head and not being honest. Just be honest with me. I think that people assume I can't take the truth. I'd rather you just tell me. After being friends with Sarah for eight years, I know how to take the truth. Don't skirt around it, don't sugarcoat it, don't avoid it. Just tell me. I avoid telling myself the truth so its easier when other people tell me themselves. Because messing with someones head isnt nice. And I'm tired of it happening to me. I can only be dragged around for so long. Maybe they think that I'll always be here to put up with crap and that I can just be a convenience, but I'm tired of putting up with it. I'm sooooo tired of putting up with it and putting myself on the line. It just sucks when you tell people the truth and they ignore it.
Anyways, thats about it. I'm sure there were other things that I could have said, but this is already fairly long, and my fingers are tired. So here is todays picture is by deckchairs and the song is Just Let Go by Mae
"I'll give you all I've got, just spare me your time and I promise you won't want to leave."
