Saying Sorry

So this week has been a long, confusing one. I've been happy, livid, upset, crazy, everything. But last night it all kind of settled into regret or remorse or something like that. So I started writing apologies to people. I wish I could just tell them. But something always gets in the way. So here you go: Apologies from My Heart.

1. I’m sorry that it’s taken this long for us to be friends again. I’m sorry that my anger and frustration got in the way of something really good. I’m sorry that I judged you and wasn’t supportive when you needed me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to be there for you. I’m happy that you have found your way independent of me, and that you were able make those decisions that I should have been there to help you make. I love you and I’m sorry.

2. I’m sorry that you haven’t found the happiness you wanted. I’m sorry that you’ve lost so much. I’m sorry that I can’t be the one to help you, because I don’t know how to. I want so much for you to have the things that you deserve, and I’m sorry that you aren’t getting them. I’m sorry that we don’t talk like we used to.

3. I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore. I’m sorry that you don’t know how proud I am of you. But I am. I’m sorry that you’re not at home where you should be. I’m sorry that I was upset with you for so long. I’m sorry that silly things made us grow apart. I’m sorry that I don’t call like I should, to tell you I miss you. But I do miss you.

4. I'm sorry that I haven't known you guys like I should have. I should have been there and called more, and I hate that I haven't. I'm sorry for any sadness you've felt because of me. I'm going to do better. I’m sorry for the missed birthdays and holidays. I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I’m sorry that we aren’t closer and I’m sorry that we’re all such strangers now. I love you all though, with every bit of my heart. I’m sorry that things have grown to be the way they are now; I didn’t ever want it to happen.

5. I’m sorry that I haven’t been a better example for you. I’m sorry that I never helped you understand the lines. I’m sorry that I don’t spend more time with you, but I’m going to change that. I’m sorry that sometimes I’m too hard on you and act like your mother. I’m sorry that you’re in the same situation that I was in. I hate that I can see what’s coming, and I’m sorry that it has to happen. I’m sorry that I didn’t prevent it. I’m sorry that you love him so much.

6. I’m sorry that I don’t know what I want, and I’m sorry I hurt you in the process of that. I hate that I led you on, because you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry that I had to involve you again. You are such a good person; you didn’t need me. I’m sorry that I can’t feel the same way for whatever reason. I’m sorry that things couldn’t be different. I wish they were.

7. I’m sorry that I dislike you so much. Just kidding, I’m really not sorry.

8. I’m sorry that we’ve ended up the way we have. I’m sorry that seeing you makes me sad, and angry. I’m sorry that I want to slap you about 95% of the time. I’m sorry that we don’t really talk anymore. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you or made you feel bad. I’m sorry that I lost such a good friend. I’m sorry that I still wish we were friends. But most of all, I’m sorry that you probably feel sorry for me.

9. I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry that I haven’t done all of the things that I should. I’m sorry that I haven’t earned all of the love, grace, and forgiveness you’ve given me. I’m sorry that I’ve been scared instead of bold. I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to the person you deserve.

10. I’m sorry that I’ve been distant.

But more than anything, I'm sorry that I have these apologies. I wish that they weren't so present in my life.

Anyway, thats enough of that. One of Mommy's old friends reminded me about this song I used to love, its Midnight in Montgomery- Alan Jackson. and the picture is from Nico1.

"Feel that lonesome chill."

Vindicated

So today I got on to blog and was all ready to start complaining about how much I hate that I really like someone that lives in another state thats going on a mission soon. And how the other guy that means a ton to me doesnt like me and how it hurt to find that out and about all that I think about that. And I was ready to go on about how you can't stop people from making bad decisions and after its done, there are just some situations that are beyond the handling of a seventeen year old. And, granted, I did just get out all of those things, but there is something much more important I want to type about.

Because before I started to write, I reread all my blog entries since I first started last April. Last year was a rollercoaster ride and things have been confusing and hard, but gosh in a way it was one of the best years I've ever had, simply because I've grown so much, and I've learned so much. And so, I decided that all of last year's entries plus this one will be my Individual Worth project for church. Reading through the entries gave me a better understanding of it, and for once I think I'm starting to get the full meaning of it. Individual Worth isn't just liking yourself when your perfect and when things are great. Individual Worth means liking yourself through the good and the bad- and when bad things happen, coming out of them going, "yeah that sucked, but its gonna be okay because I'm okay and Heavenly Father still loves me and he's got a plan for me" And, truth be told, its really easy to lose sight of, but its always there.

Its okay that this year meant the ending of a big part of my life, because I think its making room for something bigger. And this year was probably the time that I've spent the most by myself- the year I've had with the fewest friends. But I've learned to like myself on my own terms, instead of by other peoples, and I've learned to just observe more and try and look beyond just the immediate.

And its funny, looking back I saw things that I'd forgotten- feelings of such happiness and self-worth that I forgot had happened, but I realize that they are still there. I was feeling like I'd changed so much from this summer and that I wasn't gong to be happy like that anymore. But those feelings never left, I just never tapped back into them. Because once I started reading, that happiness filled me again and I know its been there all along.

Its funny, because in one of my first blog entries I talked about how much I wanted some kind of adventure, some fantastic thing to happen to me, and I didn't realize it until now, but I got my adventure and it came to me in my own journey. It wasnt the one that I'd wanted, or expected. But I'm so grateful for it.

Thanks to everyone thats been there for me. Whether it was my close friends that got the whole ride, or just people that asked how I was doing, it all means a lot. Even if a lot of times I was wrapped up and didn't show it.

And my biggest thank you is for Heavenly Father and for all that he's done for me. He knew what was best for me, even when sometimes I didn't like it and it was hard. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to realize it.

So I want to make this into a little book for my individual worth project, not so that other people can read it (because it is personal and a little embarressing) But instead because I don't want to forget how much I collectively learned about Individual Worth this year and how happy I am to be who I and to be a daughter of God- even when I am being an angsty overdramatic teenager haha.

So I'd say that 2009 is going to be just fine =]

So todays pic is from Cerenimo and the song is "When I Go Down" - Relient K (which could be a theme song for me haha)



"When I go down I lift my eyes to you, I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms, to lift me up again."