Where the Birds Always Sing

Well, I'm back sooner than I thought I would be- this will be short though. The weekend kind of got worse last night, and, to put it in Ali's words, I "got everything that was coming" to me. I think that I could have rounded up a firing squad of people that I've hurt. Blah. Anyway, tonight's another lonely one, I'm missing a few people right now- three people to be exact. All of them much too far out of my reach- in more than one way.

I wish I was going away to college in the spring. I wish I was even able to go to a university then. But I made my own bed. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I just want to make sure I'm not missing out on life.

I wish that love could just be love, and anger could be anger, and joy could be joy. I wish that regrets could be dealt with and memories could stay as simply memories. I wish that truth would always win out and being yourself could always be as simple as it should be. I wish there weren't reasons to cover emotions and that sadness could be accepted as just that. I wish that nostalgia could be easier to deal with. I wish that dreams of the past didn't exist as a constant reminder. I wish this world was a better place. I wish there was a way to ease everyone's pain.

Anyway, I've gone into rambling mode, so I'll quit that.

I've just been thinking recently, I really want to be a worthwhile person, you know? I want to be interesting and worthy of love and full of life and joy. I want to be someone who is deserving of real love. And I guess that's why it's been so long since I've had someone who cared about me for me and who I was able to open to, because I'm just not there. Who cares about this home-schooled girl who left school because of lack of confidence and has spent the last year and a half wasting time and hiding her heart? What is there for people to get to know about me? I can flirt, but what's beneath that? I'm not even sure if I know anymore. And this isn't who I want to be. I want to be happy and loving and capable and talented and beautiful. And I'm not. No one can love a shell, and a shell isn't capable of loving either. And maybe that's part of the problem, no one needs me anymore; I have always felt like I needed to protect and help my friends. And they just don't need me anymore and I think it's taken away part of me. I don't know. It's late and I'm probably just thinking too much. This is probably one of those times where self-reflection isn't in my best interest.