Lose It

Well, Emma left early this morning. I basically cried my eyes out yesterday and I don't know what to do now that she's gone. Everyone keeps on saying "you'll see her again in a couple months" but they don't understand that I still have to survive these months by myself. I feel so alone. Sarah is the only close friend I've got left. Its a good thing that I love her so much and that she's such an amazing person or else I would be hauled off to the psych ward within weeks haha.

I went to seminary this morning, and the lesson was good of course, I love Brother Barker and Brother Arter, but I can tell that the lesson is going to be the only thing to look forward to. Hanging around afterwards made me want to crawl under the carpet and die. And now I'm just sad. Its going to be hard going to seminary, and mutual, and on Sundays, without Emma there. It was already hard enough before. If I didn't know that the church was true and right then I doubt that I would come. But I do know its true, and I plan on trying to be at all those things, all the time. This is just another thing I'm gonna push through.

Anyways, I'm happy that I'm going back to work though; even though being over there will be tough, it will still be something to do during the day, and then I've got my computer class on Monday nights, and in October I'll have English for a couple hours 3 days a week. I just want to keep busy. I've been writing a whole lot. Lets just hope I can survive being grounded this week and not being able to see Sarah.

Oh, and my last point of the blog: I am in looove with the song "No Handlebars" by Flobots. If you haven't heard it then go watch the music video on YouTube. Its one of the most amazing things ever; its really sad- its about innocence, and decisions, and the danger of power. At least thats what I get out of it. If anyone reads this (because I don't really know if anyone does, besides the couple that leave me comments) listen and tell me what you think of when you hear it. I think its a song that is pretty powerful and will probably mean different things to different people.

Okay, so one more point. Sorry, I was reading quotes from One Tree Hill, because I love their quotes, and I found something that I love and I want to put it on here so that I don't forget it. This was said by Peyton:
"And so I wish for patience, grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want."
This basically describes things right now for me; and if you're reading this, then you are probably close enough to me to know that.

Alright, to end things, I've got a picture that just really really hit me when I saw it, its a photograph by Raul called 'People Die Alone'. The quote is by George Bernard Shaw.

"There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it."

Why Should I Cry For You?

Things have gotten better and worse. Worse because its getting tougher to deal with the boy situation. I don't think I like who I thought I liked; I might like someone who I didn't think I would like; and I'm still struggling to deal with something that shouldn't matter. Last night things just kind of collapsed and it got tougher.

But I've been feeling better too. I've just become more okay with everything. Its like, when you put things into perspective, its just so much easier to be happy. There is a plan for me, and if it includes this right now, then so be it. I guess a big part of life is just waiting for something that is right, and try to be happy while you're doing it. I just sometimes feel like I'll never find the right thing. But we had a fireside today and I talked to Sarah a little earlier about how I feel about the truth of the church and the gospel. And I realize that as long as I have the gospel, I'm going to be just fine.

On a different note, I turned seventeen yesterday. The day wasn't bad or anything, I had fun for the most part, but it just made me want to freeze my age. I'm not ready to have to start growing up yet, and I just feel like I missed something important along the way. But maybe everyone feels like that. I know I'm excited about time moving on and things changing, but it still scares me, because what if things don't change? Or if they do, what happens if they change for the worse? I guess you can't think like that though.

I'm happy, but I'm sad too you know. I just feel like there is a big part of me that is missing, and the reason why is so stupid. I just don't understand things I guess. But there is something that I'm starting to figure out; I never understood how thin the line was between love and hate, and I think I'm realizing it now.

Anyways, todays quote is from Lifeline- Angels & Airwaves, and the picture is by DzSuperBoy.

"With an urgent, careful stare, I see panic in those eyes. If I see you lying there, hoping this was the last time; If you hear a distant sound, and some footsteps by your side. When the world comes crashing down, I will find you if you hide. We all make mistakes, here's your lifeline; if you want it I want to."

Be Still My Beating Heart

So, to start out, I finally put up music for my blog like I've been meaning to do for forever. Thats why there is a playlist above this. If you've noticed, all my entry titles are songs, and I usually have a quote from a song, so I've put all those songs in the playlist, with the exception of The Runaways-Anberlin, Goodbye-Smith Point, and Facing Up-Kate Voegele, they weren't on the website.

Anyways, I don't really know what I want to say, but I think once I start writing I'll think of plenty of things.

I want to leave, badly. I'm tired of things here and I'm so sick of people getting upset with me over nothing that I could scream. It's like people treat me like dirt and when I finally say something, they hate me. This is why I get walked over all the time, I can't say anything without them thinking I'm angry or terrible or crazy. And please if they have something to say, they should just say it to me. I want to just leave, I'm tired of all the stupid drama here, I don't want to be a part of it. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can just get out of here for a while.

I feel like something must be wrong with me, something that drives everyone away or makes them hate me. Its like something bad always happens with the people I love the most. So I've gotten to the point where I don't want anyone to get close anymore, or I'm scared of letting someone get close. I feel like if people don't get close, they won't be able to hurt me when they find out they hate me. So maybe even leaving here wouldn't fix things, but you never know.

Most of the time I just don't think about it, so its not like I'm depressed or anything, but its nice to get it out on here. Mostly I'm happy and keeping myself busy, but everyone has those things that nag at them.

And I think I'm finally starting to learn how to let go of something that I don't want to let go of. Its hard, but I think I'm doing it, finally. I think I'm crossing into unknown territory and it scares the crap out of me, but I'm ready for it too. I think I'm finally starting to realize what I want.

So todays picture is by spako and the quote is from Kiss From A Rose- Seal.

"There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea; you became the light on the dark side of me."

The Moment

So, its been a pretty amazing time lately. There is so much on my mind lately that I don't even know how to start out.

I guess I'll start with the easiest thing first- I think I have decided what I want to do education-wise, and it scares the crap out of me. I want to graduate by December and then take a Nurse's Aid class at CPCC, and then transfer from there to the College of Sciences at Northeast Medical and get my Associates in nursing, then while I'm working I can take online courses to get my Bachelors in nursing. Its going to cost a lot of money and work and I have a feeling that its going to be a really tough time, but I'm excited.

Only thing I really don't like is that I'm going to be here, in Cabarrus County, where I have lived for the past bajillion years, with the same people. And, don't get me wrong, there are several people that I would hate to leave, but it is ridiculous how ready I am to find new people, being at EFY made me realize that.
And EFY was in a word, amazing. I loved my group, I loved my session director, I loved the lessons, I loved the testimony meeting, I loved the spirit you could feel there, I just loved everything really. Most importantly, I grew closer to my Heavenly Father and I think I'm starting to understand a lot of things that I didn't understand before. I sincerely believe that true faith and perfection through Christ is a long road, but I know that if you don't start walking towards it, you'll never get there.

Other thing that I learned is a great lesson about people, and about myself. I need to stop letting people run over me. I need to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself and people who appreciate me and people that don't take me for granted. I need to be with people who like to have fun and don't care what other people think and accept everyone and aren't judgemental and critcal. I'm just sad that all those people that I met at EFY who were like that are scattered across several states.

It just hadn't hit me so hard that I'd been feeling bad about myself, that I didn't realize how much everyone else had been weighing down on me. It just felt so good to hear someone say that I was of worth, that they cared about me for me, and that they appreciated me- and them be truly sincere about it.

I hadn't had felt that from anyone who wasn't Sarah, Emma, or my family, in such a long time. All my friendships seem to be falling apart back here, and I know that its probably my fault. I feel that I've just regressed so much back into my shell and that its really hard for me to trust people now. I feel like everyone that I care about will leave eventually.

But regardless of that, there has been a lot of progression too. I've become more independent, or rather I've become more dependent on Heavenly Father and Christ. I'm a lot stronger now, I'm better at dealing with problems. I have a better outlook on what I want to do with my life. I have come to a greater love and appreciation for my true friends and for people in general. I'm so much happier than I was at the beginning of the year, and the end of last year. I have a better perspective of everything. I feel better about myself as a person and as a daughter of God.

There are still some days I feel like no one will ever understand me, that I'll never be able to be totally honest with anyone else. I feel like people I've known for years don't really know me at all. Some think I'm just some shy girl that keeps to herself; some think I'm stuck up; some think that I'm just some girl that gets scared easily and is fun to play around with. But all the time I feel like people are looking right past me. I just repress things so much.

There are still days that are staggeringly lonely.

But most days I'm happy. I've been blessed with a wonderful family that I love a lot, I've been blessed with very few big trials, I've been blessed with the gospel of Christ, I've been blessed with the love of a few beautiful best friends, I've been blessed with an education, I've been blessed with a healthy body, I've been blessed with parents who work hard to provide for me. Actually, I've been blessed so much with so many other things that those lonely days really mean nothing.

So, in closing I'll leave a picture by enutpnut and a quote from Good Day- Angels & Airwaves.


"If love's a word that you say, then say it, I will listen... You know I won't say sorry."

It's Far Better to Learn

Okay, because I have started out the past two blogs with "wow, i havent blogged in forever," I won't do it this time. All I will say is that I'm kind of dissapointed in myself that I didn't blog at all in June. But I've been really busy.

It seems like there's just so much to write now, because I've done a lot of growing and changing on the inside this past little bit.

I'll start with the bad stuff first I guess, that way by the end, it'll just get better and better and I'll feel good haha.

So, lately I've been feeling kind of detached from everything. Right now I kind of feel like I've lost a lot of people who I used to be close to. Actually, I feel like the only close friends I have now are Sarah and Emma. Which I am so grateful that they are there for me, because I love them so so so much. But all the other people that I used to be close to, I'm just not anymore. Person1 is mad at me, and to be honest I just can't call them anymore because there are so many residual feelings still left there from where I got hurt and felt betrayed. I can't call them without feeling like everything that I say will be judged, twisted, and then fed to everyone else. Person2 is a hypocrite and says that they do everything perfect and still no one wants to be friends with them anymore. But the fact is, is that you can't treat your friends like dirt and then expect them to stay with you. And it's not like I'm not one for second chances, but you have to try and change first, and you can't think that you're God. Person3 is someone I just can't talk to anymore. Person 4... will be discussed later. I miss these people a lot, and gosh I care about all of them so much, I just can't take it anymore. And if that means only having my family and Sarah and Emma, then so be it.

Another thing is, Emma is leaving =[ and honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. These past couple months I have become so dependent on her. I mean, I am soo happy and excited that she's going off to college and is going to have so many great opportunities, because its what she needs right now I think. But I'll just miss her you know. And church is going to be weird without her.

Sometimes I wish that I was leaving too; I really wish that I could get out of Harrisburg. Or really out of North Carolina. Only thing that keeps from applying to a million out of state colleges, is having to leave my family and Sarah. But I'm tired of things here. I want something different. And I don't want to have to deal with select people here anymore.

Select people really just being Person4. Which I'm sure everyone knows who Person4 is, or can guess. But I don't care, we're just going to call them P4. I just don't understand them at all; and they never are honest so I never know what they are really thinking. Because you can't make me think that we are best friends, and then a couple months later just freak out and tell me that I'm just like every other one of their half-friends and that I'm not worth their time. Maybe other people can deal with going back and forth like that, but I care about P4 and I don't want to sit there and just be friends whenever they feel like it. It makes me too sad, and confused. And I'm tired of trying really hard and feeling like I get nothing back, and that its all just wasted effort. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't tried to be friends again back in September. Maybe if I had just dropped things, then I would have moved on by now and wouldn't still be dealing with crap. But I did learn a lot from them. I just feel so stupid for trusting them to be there, and for trusting them with my secrets, and trusting them to care about me. And I feel like I've wasted so much time on something that was never going to be good again.

And I feel like right now the only person that really likes me in my stake is Emma, so that kind of stinks.

But thats all the whining I have to do. There's actually a lot of good stuff going on too.

Right now I'm trying to see if I can take some college courses in the fall at CPCC, and I want to get another job. That way I'll have money from taking care of Gabriella, working for Tami, and my other job. So that will be exciting if I can get it to happen =]

I've been able to write a lot, and I'm doing pretty good, and I actually like everything I've written so far, so that is very very good. One day maybe I'll end up sending it out to some editors/publishers.

But the most important thing is that in this past month I have done a lot of getting closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior, and my beliefs. Girls Camp basically started it. It was absolutely amazing. I loved my first level girls so much. The spirit that they had was just overwhelming and every day I felt Heavenly Father's love for them. And I just would have done anything for those girls. And Testimony meeting there, I think I cried through the entire thing, it just touched my heart so much. And I felt the spirit so strong and I know now without a doubt that there is no other church on the Earth that could give me such a strong feeling of peace and happiness. And its really just progressed from there, and I feel more stable and in control and just happy with being a daughter of God than I have in a long time. I need him, and his love is what I need more than anything. I know what I want to do with myself now, and I know it without a doubt.

Which makes me super excited for EFY next week. It should be great. And I'm hoping that maybe things will be different and I'll be able to let go of myself a little more. One things for sure, after last year's EFY, it would be impossible for this year to be any worse =] haha. But as long as I am open and out there, and not shy, I think that I'll be fine. And I'll have Emma there to help me out, so it should be great.

Well, this is all kind of jumbled and I know that there was a lot more that I wanted to write about, but its already really long. Sooo today's picture is by NadavDov and the song is "Let It All Out" by RelientK.

"If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Just Let Go

It's been a while; over two weeks. Guess there hasn't been much to say. Nothing to say that hasn't been said in this blog twenty times. So, there are a couple things that I want to get out. =]

Number one, I saw this old lady at the hospital the other day when Mommy went to go and get some xrays done (shes fine) and she is wheeled in, and she has to be at least eighty or so. And her nurse wheels her over to this guy thats probably in his fifties. And she smiles and says "Oh son, your the only thing I've got left. I'm so glad you came." He was there to take her to all of her appointments. The nurse said she'd come and get her after they were done. The little old lady sounded so sad. It made me want to cry. It must be so sad to get older and feel like you've got nothing left. I feel bad for the older people that are in hospitals or nursing homes and they dont have anyone there or they start falling apart mentally and physically. Its really sad. But maybe thats an ignorant thing to say. I don't know.

And the second thing, is that I finally stopped feeling empty and I figured out whats wrong with me. I feel like I've kind of slipped between the cracks, you know. Like, everyone that I was important to, I'm not so important to them anymore. And everyone that I care about, doesn't need me anymore. I guess I realized that I need people to need me. And now I guess no one really needs me. I know its a stupid problem to have, but its the truth. I want to really matter to someone. I mean, I know that I have friends that probably depend on me. But they don't need me, they just need someone. And I guess thats the part that stinks. But I can't really tell if I'm unraveling or if I'm just hardening myself now. Guess its kind of both. I know that doesnt make much sense.

Last thing is that I'm getting tired of putting myself on the line. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of people messing with my head and not being honest. Just be honest with me. I think that people assume I can't take the truth. I'd rather you just tell me. After being friends with Sarah for eight years, I know how to take the truth. Don't skirt around it, don't sugarcoat it, don't avoid it. Just tell me. I avoid telling myself the truth so its easier when other people tell me themselves. Because messing with someones head isnt nice. And I'm tired of it happening to me. I can only be dragged around for so long. Maybe they think that I'll always be here to put up with crap and that I can just be a convenience, but I'm tired of putting up with it. I'm sooooo tired of putting up with it and putting myself on the line. It just sucks when you tell people the truth and they ignore it.
Anyways, thats about it. I'm sure there were other things that I could have said, but this is already fairly long, and my fingers are tired. So here is todays picture is by deckchairs and the song is Just Let Go by Mae


"I'll give you all I've got, just spare me your time and I promise you won't want to leave."

The Runaways

Wow, I can't believe its been a week and a half. I guess I've just kind of become blank. I found this in my journal from about 2 months ago. I said: "I feel so empty all the time. And when I'm not feeling empty then I feel so full of pent up emotions that I just want to burst." And I guess I'm kind of feeling like that again. Like, there is nothing to write.

I'm just so unsure of everything; and so indecisive. It's driving me nuts. It's just like, how do you make the right decision? and how do you know you're making the right decision? I mean, you just don't. I guess that this just goes back to the whole consequences thing.

But you know, you can only go so long hovering with indecision before it drives you crazy; sooner or later you have to make a decision and then live with it. I've just become so bad at taking risks. I can't decide whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't know I'm just so confused about it all the time. I don't know =/ One day I think one thing and then the next I change my mind. Earlier today I thought that I'd made a decision and now I'm rethinking it.

Blahhh. I suck at life.

Sorry, this is a lame way to come back after being gone for so long. But I figured that I don't know how long it'll be before I'm no longer blank. So I might as well say that I'm confused and semi-sad.

(Though, in happier news, prom was fun, and this past week/weekend has been good. Then again, prom made me realize that I miss that feeling that having a boyfriend that you really care about gives you. If that makes sense. But prom really was good.)

Anyway, todays picture is by UltraViolett and the quote is from Angel- Sarah McLachlan



"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance- for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction- oh beautiful release- memory seeps from my veins. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees."