I've been writing a lot lately in my novel; and it made me remember how much of a good distraction it is. It also made me remember how dang hard it is. But I love it.
So, yesterday I heard my mom talking on the phone to a certain anonymous person about how she thinks that one of my anonymous friends is depressed. And, unfortunately, I would have to agree. Now, I am not egotistical to the point where I would ever think that it is my fault (and I don't) But sometimes I wonder if this person would have been better off if they hadn't met me. That maybe they would be happier if not for me. Sometimes I think that, because of my selfishness, I inadvertantly prevented them from doing a lot of things that would have made them happier. It's funny how decisions work. Some of them you don't even realize that you've made until the consequences come. Some of them where you choose to ignore the possibility of a bad consequence. You are so caught up in what you want and how you feel that you forget to look at what might happen because of it. Blahh.
Anyway, I was talking to Ali and Chase the other night about the Twilight series and Ali was saying how Eclipse was her favorite and then I said that Twilight was mine. And Chase was saying how everyone likes Twilight because they're all in love with Edward. So it set me thinking about why exactly I love the first book so much. I mean, plot and character development and everything is better in Eclipse. So why is Twilight my favorite?
Its not because I'm smitten with Edward; and not because I think he's the perfect guy. I'm pretty sure that if he were real then I wouldn't fall for him. I mean, he's perfect for Bella though. And I think thats why Twilight is my favorite. Because its about two people who are crazy about each other and are in love even though every odd is against them.
And I really like the idea of true love.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find it. I mean, don't think that I'm like "Ah I'm so hideous, I'll never get married because no guy will ever love me." Because I don't think that. But I just don't know if I'll be able to find someone who is as crazy about me as I am about them, and who cares about me. I just really wonder because it seems like I'll never be satisfied. There are plenty of cool guys that I could have gone for, but its like- the chemistry is never there, you know? It's pathetic, because I think I have only seriously liked one guy. I mean, yeah I've had other little crushes and junk like that. But its like, I can't find anyone that I click with. And I know that I'm still way young and I've got plenty of time- but sometimes I just don't see it ever happening. Finding a guy that I care about who cares about me too. It just seems so impossible.
I'm such an angsty teenager =] haha.
Emma told me the other day that I'm an open person, and for the first time I really realized that I am. I guess this blog is a testament to that haha. But I guess there are a lot of things that I hide too. But who knows; I surely don't. Like I've said, I don't really understand myself much.
Well, inspiration today is a picture by saccharinesmile and a quote from the song Goodbye by Smith Point.
"I believe in what you do, I've always believed in you- despite the words they say. So don't walk away this time, we've made it through so much worse; I don't want to run."
1 comment:
I know exactly what you're talking about with trying to find "true love". I would have used a less girly term, but for lack of a better one, i'll stick with that one.
What you wrote about coupled with the fact that relationships scare the crap out of me has pretty much made me give up. bleh.
--Austin
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