Dream On

So yesterday was the worst day I've had in a long while. Here is how it went: I got home from church and was yelled at by my dad for the millionth thing this week; for something that I thought I was actually doing RIGHT for once. So I went up to my room and pretty much stayed there until this morning; 18 hours. Except for coming out twice to eat. But now I'm feeling really sick. But at least I got a lot of sleep. And lots of time to think.

It's just like, I can't do anything right. Nothing that I do will ever be enough, so why try? I follow all the 20 million rules we have at our house. And I don't argue with him like Ali does, even when I disagree. And I let him say whatever he wants to about me and my life and boys, without saying anything. But you know, it will never be enough.

And I talked to my real dad on the phone on Thursday; and nothing I do for him will ever be enough either. To him, I can't be a nurse, I need to be a nurse practitioner or a doctor. I need to be graduating now. I need to be a genius and make a ton of money. And he wants me to force my mom to let us see him. But I can't do that. I'm tired of being stuck between the two of them. I'm tired of arguing about whats right and whats wrong. Telling them what I think isn't enough.

And I'll never be a good enough friend. No matter how much I'm there or how much I care, its not like I can really ever make them happy. And no matter how hard I try, its not like I can make someone care about me or trust me or want to be with me.

And I could go on about all the other things that I thought about yesterday that make me insufficient to other people, but this is already starting to sound like some kind of pity party. But its not; I just know that a lot of people can probably relate to these kind of feelings.

Second thing, I came to a conclusion over the course of the weekend. I need to stop being hopeful. Hope is probably the main source of any depression that I feel.

If you never get your hopes up, then they can't be crushed. Then you can't feel like an idiot. Then you don't have to lose your dignity. Then it won't hurt so much when something doesn't happen.

So, no more hoping. No more saying that I know something good is going to happen. Because it hurts when it doesn't happen; and I realize that it won't ever happen.

Anyways, I don't feel good, so I'm going to go take some medicine, wait for Gabriella to take her nap, and then go to sleep again. Todays inspiration is "Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin, and a picture by TheMadScientist.


"Two to one; Static to the sound of you and I undone for the last time. Oh, say you'll miss me one last time and I'll be strong"