Photographs and Memories

So the past week has been weird to say the least. Do you ever just feel like you can't figure anything out? and you feel like there's an answer right in front of you, but you just can't get to it? That's how I've been feeling.

I'm just trying to figure out if the thing that I want is the right thing for me and if it will make me happier in the end or if it will even work out if I try. But there is just so much doubt and confusion and anxiety and fear in me that I don't know what I should do.

And don't get me wrong, its not like I sit here and obsess over it all the time in a deep depression; generally speaking, things are very good and I'm very happy. It's just that with the lack of other things to worry me, this seems to be weighing on my mind a lot. Not to mention that writing again in the novel hasn't helped much with the matter, it reminds me of a lot of things that I try to block out. But oh well.

Anyway, last night I started making a list of all the things that I would want in a guy. And I realized that a big part of it is that I want to be able to make him happy. I want to be able to be someone that he wants to be around and be able to make him smile whenever he sees me. I want to make him happy. And then it made me kind of sad to realize that there is probably a total of one person that I can make happy, and that person is not a boy. So I guess it was a little disheartening. I've just gotten to the point where I think it will be a long time before I'm in a "relationship" (that seems like too serious of a word for a teenager to be using, but oh well) where I can make someone happy and they can make me happy. And it makes me sad. Because, as I've already said, I want that feeling of belonging again. And I want that fun and excitement of having a boyfriend. But oh well, there is nothing I can do about that. Any boy that I like, I can't make him happy. And any guy that likes me, he can't make me happy. So I'm kinda missing things all around.

Oh, and second topic. I'll try to make this short because I know that this entry is already getting kind of long and disjointed. But I've been getting that second-best feeling. I guess it comes with having such awesome friends like Emma and Sarah, but its like, everyone I know likes one of my friends better than they like me. I know that it's probably just one of those insecure type feelings, but the two of them are just so fantastic that I feel like I'll never be able to measure up. I mean, its not like I think that everyone doesn't like me or anything, its just sometimes I just feel like a stand-in for someone better, you know? Like, I'll never be enough for someone, that I'm just there until something better comes along. But insecurity is ever present, and its not like this is a big deal. Just thought that I would share and see if anyone (my imaginary readers) has felt the same way.

And just a quick side note. I said this earlier, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm depressed or unhappy. I realized that it probably seems like it in this blog, that all I do is sit around and think about all the negative things, but I really don't. This blog I guess has just become my way of getting out those thoughts about things that worry me. There are a lot of wonderfully fantastic things in my life, but there is so much that I would never be able to write it all down. And writing out my worries does me a lot of good. It takes some kind of weight off of me I guess.

Anyway, my daily inspiration is a sweet quote that I found today. And the picture is one of my own.

"I always want to be with you. You make me feel great, and I love being with you, and talking to you, and being close to you, and holding your hand, and all those little things. Gosh I'm so crazy about you. I want to be with you all the time. Just me and you."