You Don't Know Me

Well, it hurts more and less than I thought it would.

Less than I would have guessed a couple months ago. A couple months ago I would have thought that this would have sent me into a crying frenzy that would last a few days- where I would spend all my time feeling sorry for myself haha. But it hurt more than I had recently decided it was going to. I was surprised that I cried. But its not because I'm jealous, because I made my decisions and I don't regret them, I guess its just hard for me to accept. But I'm doing relatively fine. Good, even. I just still have a lot of anger and resentment to get rid of, and I'm working on that.

In the mean time, I don't like the other guy I thought that I might like either. I'm quickly running out of options haha. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to end up being some old fat lady with five hundred cats and giving mean dirty looks to everyone. I hope not. I was on the phone with Mommy though today and I started talking to her just about everything and she told me that I shouldn't look at it negatively, that maybe I was being protected from being hurt more. She said with the way that I loved people, she thought that getting hurt by more guys would just tear me up. Maybe she's right. But I still think that maybe there is just some sign on me that says "I'm not worth your time!" haha. Or maybe I'm just too picky, or something.

But I'm still kind of happy I don't have to deal with it right now. Its just so much trouble. Besides, I'm too busy being involved in everyone else's stuff that its nice not to have to deal with my own haha.

Speaking of that, I've actually been pretty livid for about the past hour about something that is happening. And I just want to go and slap someone. I swear this guy has hurt so many of my friends that I want to quarantine him- he's a player, a fake, and a liar. And I really can't stand the thought of him right now. Last summer: "I would never play a girl." Wow, and I actually believed him. I know of at least 5 girls he has played and it makes me just sick.

Anyways, its funny how much boy problems take over things. But I've been thinking about a lot more important things. Still things about the car accident, but mostly about school and getting older. Its so funny, I don't feel like I'm 17, I feel like I'm still a little kid and that I must have missed some crucial part of growing up. I mean, I've changed a lot, but I feel like I just missed out on something, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe moving out and going to college in a year.

We are making Bella a time capsule for her birthday for her to open when she's sixteen. I'll be 34 by then. Me and Nana were talking about it today and she said something about her being gone by then. And it scares me. Nana and Poppy are such a huge part of my life, I don't know what I'm going to do. And then we started talking about how we're going to do a capsule when I'm eighteen; it just makes me wonder what people would say about me. Or who all will still care enough to say anything. I don't know. Its all a little scary.

Oh well. Todays quote is from "Love Is Dead" by Kerli, and the picture is from ClandestineButter.

"All I want is right here, but love don't live here anymore. Love is dead. Love is gone. Love don't live here anymore."

Getting Scared

Today I got into a car accident. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, ever. I was at a stop sign and I didn't see anyone coming, but there was a blind curve so when I pulled out I hit someone that was going probably at least 50mph. My car stopped in the intersection after I hit him, but his car spun and went down an embankment and into the woods. When I saw it I thought that he had to be dead or seriously injured. The drivers door wouldn't open so I climbed out the passengers and then he came out of the woods. It was a miracle that neither of us were hurt, just sore.

Everyone was really nice, and it happened that three people that saw us hit happened to be two insurance adjusters and a nurse. I sat in the nurse's car until Mommy got there. The cop didn't give me any tickets, and our insurance should cover almost everything. And his parents were really nice and so was he. But his car was totaled and mine probably was too.

I think I'm going to be too scared to drive for a while. I still feel like crying whenever I think about it.

But the main thing I got out of this is that Heavenly Father must have been looking out for me, because if you had seen what happened, you would have thought that an ambulance would have carried both of us off. Its amazing because on Sunday Krystine told everyone in Young Womens that she knew that we had angels watching over us, and then his happens today and the nurse says, "Angels must be watching over you." And so I just started balling my eyes out.

It also has made me think about things that I should be doing differently, how I should be doing more with my life, and just like, what if something like that happens again and its worse? What happens if I die? Or if someone I know dies? What would I regret doing or telling them? I guess its just shook me up.

Anyways, I just wanted to write this because I wanted to get it out, and I have nothing to do because anything besides sitting and laying down hurts. And I've got a huge headache. But I'm so amazingly lucky and so glad that I have such good parents who are being so great about this.

Alright, no picture or quote today.

Lots of love.
Bye guys <3

Love is a Battlefield

I've spent a great deal of time thinking this week. Its been a kind of up and down and all over the place type of thing, and I've come to a lot of conclusions;

One: I don't know why I worry so much about not having a huge following of friends. The friends that I do have are the best that anyone could ever ask for and complaining/sulking is the most ungrateful thing to do.

Two: I actually genuinely like who I am. I was reading an IM I had sent to someone a year and a half ago, and I basically was just saying how I felt ugly and boring and not worth anyone's time. And I've just changed so much about how I feel about myself. And then today it just all came together. I was talking to Sarah and we had been talking about how its hard for us both to keep up diet and exercise and I just said, "Well, it doesn't matter, because we both look good the way we are." and I realized that I actually meant it. I'm okay with the way I look, because this is who I am, and there are much more important things about me than just the way I look. I just started thinking about how great so many people are and they don't even know it.

Three: I am not going to be friends with people who talk about me behind my back even though I have never once done anything to them and I have been very nice and always honest with them. I refuse to be friends with someone who puts me down and makes me feel bad about myself. And I will not accept the fact that they do that to the people that are closest to them. There is no excuse. Oh, and if you're going to say mean things about me, don't say them to my best friend.

Four: I am going to keep things in perspective from now on. The future is limitless, and the next few months are really nothing when it comes to the real scale of things.

Five: I will not let any guy make me feel like I'm not worthy or like I'm disposable. I will not let any one have that kind of control over me anymore. No girl should let that happen; there are SO many girls I know that let guys define who they are and how they feel about themselves, myself included. But I've come to a conclusion- it isnt worth it. If he doesnt appreciate you for who you are and how amazingly wonderful you are then he isn't worth your time. Okay? And same goes for how guys are viewed. Girls should appreciate them for who they are and not treat them badly or mess with their heads. Guys are people too, they deserve better than that.

Six: I am going to make a much bigger goal of not judging people. We are all children of God and He doesn't want us treating our brothers and sisters negatively. If we have His perspective then we can see that he wants for all of his children to come back.

Seven: I'm done with caring what people say or think about me. I don't blame them because I know I'm probably guilty of doing the same thing sometimes. And in reality, what they think doesn't change who I am.

Eight: Change is alright. It happens.

Nine: I am not going to walk around like a dog waiting to be kicked. I'm tired of that. It's been who I am for too long.

Ten: It's okay to be confident. It isn't a bad thing.

I think that in the end its been a good week =] And I hope that if you're reading this then maybe you got something out of it that you can feel for yourself. Individual Worth is important. Think about it.

Anyways, just a picture today from me. But check out the song "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benitar and look up the lyrics. I loveee it.

Southern Weather

So everything around here is flooded. There is literally a stream running through both my front and back yard. Its gotten better since this morning, but its still pretty bad. All this rain has been sad though, and it stinks that I'll be stuck here all day.

Sitting around here makes me...nostalgic, I guess thats the right word for it. Everyone tells me that I think too much; I just wish that I could stop it. But there's really nothing much else to think about, nothing else to move on to or to distract me. I don't know. Sometimes I just lose sight of everything in the present, and just live in the past, or, when I write, live in my story. I spend so much time avoiding the now. Its like, I want so much to happen and to change and everything, but I just can't find it. I know that that doesn't make much sense.

I guess I'm going to be living vicariously through Sarah and Emma for a while, and just do whats required of me and have a good attitude about it. At least if I've got nothing else to distract me it gives me plenty of room to focus on school and my family and the Lord. Which I think is why I've been given this time. So I can focus on other things that are ultimately more important.

And I realized that I've been so busy trying to figure out whats wrong with me and figure out how I should act to make people like me and think that I'm cool and fun and all that other stuff, that I forgot that I shouldn't have to change. I've decided that there are going to be people who like me for who I am and there will be people who don't, and thats okay. And I just keep on telling myself that.

I keep on thinking of this quote that Emma always would tell me "Everything will be okay in the end, and if its not okay then its not the end."

I have faith that one day, probably without me even realizing it, things are just going to be better, and I'll know that its happened because that'll be the day that I stop going "Things were so much better when..." or "I wish I had done this when..." and stuff like that. And it'll happen =] Like I said last time, I'm working of patience, grace, and strength. Everything happens for a reason, and I think this is happening because I need to learn and grow from it.

Today's picture is from alanc79 and the quote is from Never Say I Told You So- The Almost.

"This is the part where you take your place and I just take mine. I've never been so sick- of seeing you so blind, of all the things you offer to the ones who forget you."

Lose It

Well, Emma left early this morning. I basically cried my eyes out yesterday and I don't know what to do now that she's gone. Everyone keeps on saying "you'll see her again in a couple months" but they don't understand that I still have to survive these months by myself. I feel so alone. Sarah is the only close friend I've got left. Its a good thing that I love her so much and that she's such an amazing person or else I would be hauled off to the psych ward within weeks haha.

I went to seminary this morning, and the lesson was good of course, I love Brother Barker and Brother Arter, but I can tell that the lesson is going to be the only thing to look forward to. Hanging around afterwards made me want to crawl under the carpet and die. And now I'm just sad. Its going to be hard going to seminary, and mutual, and on Sundays, without Emma there. It was already hard enough before. If I didn't know that the church was true and right then I doubt that I would come. But I do know its true, and I plan on trying to be at all those things, all the time. This is just another thing I'm gonna push through.

Anyways, I'm happy that I'm going back to work though; even though being over there will be tough, it will still be something to do during the day, and then I've got my computer class on Monday nights, and in October I'll have English for a couple hours 3 days a week. I just want to keep busy. I've been writing a whole lot. Lets just hope I can survive being grounded this week and not being able to see Sarah.

Oh, and my last point of the blog: I am in looove with the song "No Handlebars" by Flobots. If you haven't heard it then go watch the music video on YouTube. Its one of the most amazing things ever; its really sad- its about innocence, and decisions, and the danger of power. At least thats what I get out of it. If anyone reads this (because I don't really know if anyone does, besides the couple that leave me comments) listen and tell me what you think of when you hear it. I think its a song that is pretty powerful and will probably mean different things to different people.

Okay, so one more point. Sorry, I was reading quotes from One Tree Hill, because I love their quotes, and I found something that I love and I want to put it on here so that I don't forget it. This was said by Peyton:
"And so I wish for patience, grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want."
This basically describes things right now for me; and if you're reading this, then you are probably close enough to me to know that.

Alright, to end things, I've got a picture that just really really hit me when I saw it, its a photograph by Raul called 'People Die Alone'. The quote is by George Bernard Shaw.

"There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it."

Why Should I Cry For You?

Things have gotten better and worse. Worse because its getting tougher to deal with the boy situation. I don't think I like who I thought I liked; I might like someone who I didn't think I would like; and I'm still struggling to deal with something that shouldn't matter. Last night things just kind of collapsed and it got tougher.

But I've been feeling better too. I've just become more okay with everything. Its like, when you put things into perspective, its just so much easier to be happy. There is a plan for me, and if it includes this right now, then so be it. I guess a big part of life is just waiting for something that is right, and try to be happy while you're doing it. I just sometimes feel like I'll never find the right thing. But we had a fireside today and I talked to Sarah a little earlier about how I feel about the truth of the church and the gospel. And I realize that as long as I have the gospel, I'm going to be just fine.

On a different note, I turned seventeen yesterday. The day wasn't bad or anything, I had fun for the most part, but it just made me want to freeze my age. I'm not ready to have to start growing up yet, and I just feel like I missed something important along the way. But maybe everyone feels like that. I know I'm excited about time moving on and things changing, but it still scares me, because what if things don't change? Or if they do, what happens if they change for the worse? I guess you can't think like that though.

I'm happy, but I'm sad too you know. I just feel like there is a big part of me that is missing, and the reason why is so stupid. I just don't understand things I guess. But there is something that I'm starting to figure out; I never understood how thin the line was between love and hate, and I think I'm realizing it now.

Anyways, todays quote is from Lifeline- Angels & Airwaves, and the picture is by DzSuperBoy.

"With an urgent, careful stare, I see panic in those eyes. If I see you lying there, hoping this was the last time; If you hear a distant sound, and some footsteps by your side. When the world comes crashing down, I will find you if you hide. We all make mistakes, here's your lifeline; if you want it I want to."

Be Still My Beating Heart

So, to start out, I finally put up music for my blog like I've been meaning to do for forever. Thats why there is a playlist above this. If you've noticed, all my entry titles are songs, and I usually have a quote from a song, so I've put all those songs in the playlist, with the exception of The Runaways-Anberlin, Goodbye-Smith Point, and Facing Up-Kate Voegele, they weren't on the website.

Anyways, I don't really know what I want to say, but I think once I start writing I'll think of plenty of things.

I want to leave, badly. I'm tired of things here and I'm so sick of people getting upset with me over nothing that I could scream. It's like people treat me like dirt and when I finally say something, they hate me. This is why I get walked over all the time, I can't say anything without them thinking I'm angry or terrible or crazy. And please if they have something to say, they should just say it to me. I want to just leave, I'm tired of all the stupid drama here, I don't want to be a part of it. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can just get out of here for a while.

I feel like something must be wrong with me, something that drives everyone away or makes them hate me. Its like something bad always happens with the people I love the most. So I've gotten to the point where I don't want anyone to get close anymore, or I'm scared of letting someone get close. I feel like if people don't get close, they won't be able to hurt me when they find out they hate me. So maybe even leaving here wouldn't fix things, but you never know.

Most of the time I just don't think about it, so its not like I'm depressed or anything, but its nice to get it out on here. Mostly I'm happy and keeping myself busy, but everyone has those things that nag at them.

And I think I'm finally starting to learn how to let go of something that I don't want to let go of. Its hard, but I think I'm doing it, finally. I think I'm crossing into unknown territory and it scares the crap out of me, but I'm ready for it too. I think I'm finally starting to realize what I want.

So todays picture is by spako and the quote is from Kiss From A Rose- Seal.

"There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea; you became the light on the dark side of me."