Living in the Blue: You Don't Know Me

Well, it hurts more and less than I thought it would.

Less than I would have guessed a couple months ago. A couple months ago I would have thought that this would have sent me into a crying frenzy that would last a few days- where I would spend all my time feeling sorry for myself haha. But it hurt more than I had recently decided it was going to. I was surprised that I cried. But its not because I'm jealous, because I made my decisions and I don't regret them, I guess its just hard for me to accept. But I'm doing relatively fine. Good, even. I just still have a lot of anger and resentment to get rid of, and I'm working on that.

In the mean time, I don't like the other guy I thought that I might like either. I'm quickly running out of options haha. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to end up being some old fat lady with five hundred cats and giving mean dirty looks to everyone. I hope not. I was on the phone with Mommy though today and I started talking to her just about everything and she told me that I shouldn't look at it negatively, that maybe I was being protected from being hurt more. She said with the way that I loved people, she thought that getting hurt by more guys would just tear me up. Maybe she's right. But I still think that maybe there is just some sign on me that says "I'm not worth your time!" haha. Or maybe I'm just too picky, or something.

But I'm still kind of happy I don't have to deal with it right now. Its just so much trouble. Besides, I'm too busy being involved in everyone else's stuff that its nice not to have to deal with my own haha.

Speaking of that, I've actually been pretty livid for about the past hour about something that is happening. And I just want to go and slap someone. I swear this guy has hurt so many of my friends that I want to quarantine him- he's a player, a fake, and a liar. And I really can't stand the thought of him right now. Last summer: "I would never play a girl." Wow, and I actually believed him. I know of at least 5 girls he has played and it makes me just sick.

Anyways, its funny how much boy problems take over things. But I've been thinking about a lot more important things. Still things about the car accident, but mostly about school and getting older. Its so funny, I don't feel like I'm 17, I feel like I'm still a little kid and that I must have missed some crucial part of growing up. I mean, I've changed a lot, but I feel like I just missed out on something, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe moving out and going to college in a year.

We are making Bella a time capsule for her birthday for her to open when she's sixteen. I'll be 34 by then. Me and Nana were talking about it today and she said something about her being gone by then. And it scares me. Nana and Poppy are such a huge part of my life, I don't know what I'm going to do. And then we started talking about how we're going to do a capsule when I'm eighteen; it just makes me wonder what people would say about me. Or who all will still care enough to say anything. I don't know. Its all a little scary.

Oh well. Todays quote is from "Love Is Dead" by Kerli, and the picture is from ClandestineButter.