How do you get rid of compassion?
How do you make things go away?
How do you know what to do at all?
Time and patience, maybe? I've got no idea. I've been trying to figure it out for the past two weeks. If you've got an answer, please tell me.
So, I keep on thinking about how I'm a senior now. I know I'm not that old, but I feel like saying, "no! go back, I'm not done being a teenager!" You know? And I was just looking at some pictures from a couple years ago and my transcript from freshman year, and I just wish I could go back and change things. I would have done things so much differently. I just feel like I was so busy worried about how I should act and be that I missed out on everything. And I know I could have done so much better in school if I had just really tried. I don't know. I guess I just wished that I hadn't worried so much about everything and instead just been myself and talked to people and stuff. Then again, maybe thats just not who I am. Who knows. Whats done is done and its got me to this point and I'm okay with that.
I still don't regret leaving public school though. I'm a lot happier here, doing things like this. You know, I don't like talking about why I left, but I think that maybe I need to get it out. So if you read this, I guess you get to be one of the few that really know.
I have never been able to make good friends at school; I had a few in middle school, but for the most part I was a loser. And then from then on out I had Sarah plus a few people at school depending on the people in my class. But after Gabriella was born, it was like I never had time for my homework either. So I felt stupid, along with feeling like a loser, boring, weird, and ugly. I just was always wondering what was wrong with me that made people not want to be friends with me. I hated Hickory Ridge. Its just the looks I got. I don't know. I just don't know. But I felt ugly and stupid and weird and worthless.
And then around December I started getting really sick because I was worried and stressed out all the time, I remember one week where I was just so depressed and upset and no one noticed and so that just made it worse. The one person who did know about it, I never got the chance to talk to them about it. And then one morning during seminary I just broke down, and I started bawling in Austin's car and he took me home. And I wrote this,
"I was just so upset. I hate school. I hate the environment here, I hate the learning here, I hate having to be here with these people who are always looking down on me. And I have huge self esteem issues that I don't know how to fix. And I feel like I'm losing Sarah. And like I'm a failure as a daughter b/c I never talk to my biological dad. And like I'm a bad sister because I don't spend enough time with the baby. And like I'm not good enough for any boy. Heck, I'm 16 and I still haven't been kissed. That. Is. Pathetic."
So that pretty much explains that. And so thats when I started thinking about homeschooling. Sarah wasn't too happy with me because of the homeschooling idea (understandably), my family was worried about me, I found out the story behind my parents divorce, and I was confused about stuff with a guy. I felt like everything would just be better if I wasn't here anymore, honestly. I'm not being melodramatic or anything, I just was so upset a lot of days and I didn't feel like anyone cared about me and that I was just a problem and that no one wanted me around. And so I thought a lot about how if I died it would be so much better. I never hurt myself or anything, it was just on my mind a lot. I just didn't think that I was worth anything at all. I was sick and went home a lot of days. And it was then that I decided that public school just was harming my self-confidence and that it wasn't worth it. I lost two of my closest friends because of it. One sooner than the other. And I didn't want that to keep happening.
So anyways, here I am. Its been like eight months since all of that, and I have not felt like that one day since. I still haven't been kissed and I have the least amount of friends that I've ever had, but I am still 100 times happier, because I like myself, even if no one else does. It didn't come right away, but I think I'm getting better every day. I probably didn't explain it very well, but its something thats really personal and complex and really hard to put into words.
I know that I sound like an angsty, crazy, overdramatic teenager. And I am. So I guess its okay haha. But I know that what I felt was real, its the most real and terrible feeling I've ever had- worse than getting my heart broken (which sounds really retarded I know, but there is no other way to put it because thats what it was). I know that other people go through a billion times worse though, so believe me, I'm appreciative that thats the worse I've ever gone through and that it had a relatively easy solution.
So anyways, my fingers hurt so I'm done being angsty and reflective =]
The quote is from E.E. Cummings and the picture is by DontPanicMedia.
"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
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