The Moment

So, its been a pretty amazing time lately. There is so much on my mind lately that I don't even know how to start out.

I guess I'll start with the easiest thing first- I think I have decided what I want to do education-wise, and it scares the crap out of me. I want to graduate by December and then take a Nurse's Aid class at CPCC, and then transfer from there to the College of Sciences at Northeast Medical and get my Associates in nursing, then while I'm working I can take online courses to get my Bachelors in nursing. Its going to cost a lot of money and work and I have a feeling that its going to be a really tough time, but I'm excited.

Only thing I really don't like is that I'm going to be here, in Cabarrus County, where I have lived for the past bajillion years, with the same people. And, don't get me wrong, there are several people that I would hate to leave, but it is ridiculous how ready I am to find new people, being at EFY made me realize that.
And EFY was in a word, amazing. I loved my group, I loved my session director, I loved the lessons, I loved the testimony meeting, I loved the spirit you could feel there, I just loved everything really. Most importantly, I grew closer to my Heavenly Father and I think I'm starting to understand a lot of things that I didn't understand before. I sincerely believe that true faith and perfection through Christ is a long road, but I know that if you don't start walking towards it, you'll never get there.

Other thing that I learned is a great lesson about people, and about myself. I need to stop letting people run over me. I need to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself and people who appreciate me and people that don't take me for granted. I need to be with people who like to have fun and don't care what other people think and accept everyone and aren't judgemental and critcal. I'm just sad that all those people that I met at EFY who were like that are scattered across several states.

It just hadn't hit me so hard that I'd been feeling bad about myself, that I didn't realize how much everyone else had been weighing down on me. It just felt so good to hear someone say that I was of worth, that they cared about me for me, and that they appreciated me- and them be truly sincere about it.

I hadn't had felt that from anyone who wasn't Sarah, Emma, or my family, in such a long time. All my friendships seem to be falling apart back here, and I know that its probably my fault. I feel that I've just regressed so much back into my shell and that its really hard for me to trust people now. I feel like everyone that I care about will leave eventually.

But regardless of that, there has been a lot of progression too. I've become more independent, or rather I've become more dependent on Heavenly Father and Christ. I'm a lot stronger now, I'm better at dealing with problems. I have a better outlook on what I want to do with my life. I have come to a greater love and appreciation for my true friends and for people in general. I'm so much happier than I was at the beginning of the year, and the end of last year. I have a better perspective of everything. I feel better about myself as a person and as a daughter of God.

There are still some days I feel like no one will ever understand me, that I'll never be able to be totally honest with anyone else. I feel like people I've known for years don't really know me at all. Some think I'm just some shy girl that keeps to herself; some think I'm stuck up; some think that I'm just some girl that gets scared easily and is fun to play around with. But all the time I feel like people are looking right past me. I just repress things so much.

There are still days that are staggeringly lonely.

But most days I'm happy. I've been blessed with a wonderful family that I love a lot, I've been blessed with very few big trials, I've been blessed with the gospel of Christ, I've been blessed with the love of a few beautiful best friends, I've been blessed with an education, I've been blessed with a healthy body, I've been blessed with parents who work hard to provide for me. Actually, I've been blessed so much with so many other things that those lonely days really mean nothing.

So, in closing I'll leave a picture by enutpnut and a quote from Good Day- Angels & Airwaves.


"If love's a word that you say, then say it, I will listen... You know I won't say sorry."

It's Far Better to Learn

Okay, because I have started out the past two blogs with "wow, i havent blogged in forever," I won't do it this time. All I will say is that I'm kind of dissapointed in myself that I didn't blog at all in June. But I've been really busy.

It seems like there's just so much to write now, because I've done a lot of growing and changing on the inside this past little bit.

I'll start with the bad stuff first I guess, that way by the end, it'll just get better and better and I'll feel good haha.

So, lately I've been feeling kind of detached from everything. Right now I kind of feel like I've lost a lot of people who I used to be close to. Actually, I feel like the only close friends I have now are Sarah and Emma. Which I am so grateful that they are there for me, because I love them so so so much. But all the other people that I used to be close to, I'm just not anymore. Person1 is mad at me, and to be honest I just can't call them anymore because there are so many residual feelings still left there from where I got hurt and felt betrayed. I can't call them without feeling like everything that I say will be judged, twisted, and then fed to everyone else. Person2 is a hypocrite and says that they do everything perfect and still no one wants to be friends with them anymore. But the fact is, is that you can't treat your friends like dirt and then expect them to stay with you. And it's not like I'm not one for second chances, but you have to try and change first, and you can't think that you're God. Person3 is someone I just can't talk to anymore. Person 4... will be discussed later. I miss these people a lot, and gosh I care about all of them so much, I just can't take it anymore. And if that means only having my family and Sarah and Emma, then so be it.

Another thing is, Emma is leaving =[ and honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. These past couple months I have become so dependent on her. I mean, I am soo happy and excited that she's going off to college and is going to have so many great opportunities, because its what she needs right now I think. But I'll just miss her you know. And church is going to be weird without her.

Sometimes I wish that I was leaving too; I really wish that I could get out of Harrisburg. Or really out of North Carolina. Only thing that keeps from applying to a million out of state colleges, is having to leave my family and Sarah. But I'm tired of things here. I want something different. And I don't want to have to deal with select people here anymore.

Select people really just being Person4. Which I'm sure everyone knows who Person4 is, or can guess. But I don't care, we're just going to call them P4. I just don't understand them at all; and they never are honest so I never know what they are really thinking. Because you can't make me think that we are best friends, and then a couple months later just freak out and tell me that I'm just like every other one of their half-friends and that I'm not worth their time. Maybe other people can deal with going back and forth like that, but I care about P4 and I don't want to sit there and just be friends whenever they feel like it. It makes me too sad, and confused. And I'm tired of trying really hard and feeling like I get nothing back, and that its all just wasted effort. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't tried to be friends again back in September. Maybe if I had just dropped things, then I would have moved on by now and wouldn't still be dealing with crap. But I did learn a lot from them. I just feel so stupid for trusting them to be there, and for trusting them with my secrets, and trusting them to care about me. And I feel like I've wasted so much time on something that was never going to be good again.

And I feel like right now the only person that really likes me in my stake is Emma, so that kind of stinks.

But thats all the whining I have to do. There's actually a lot of good stuff going on too.

Right now I'm trying to see if I can take some college courses in the fall at CPCC, and I want to get another job. That way I'll have money from taking care of Gabriella, working for Tami, and my other job. So that will be exciting if I can get it to happen =]

I've been able to write a lot, and I'm doing pretty good, and I actually like everything I've written so far, so that is very very good. One day maybe I'll end up sending it out to some editors/publishers.

But the most important thing is that in this past month I have done a lot of getting closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior, and my beliefs. Girls Camp basically started it. It was absolutely amazing. I loved my first level girls so much. The spirit that they had was just overwhelming and every day I felt Heavenly Father's love for them. And I just would have done anything for those girls. And Testimony meeting there, I think I cried through the entire thing, it just touched my heart so much. And I felt the spirit so strong and I know now without a doubt that there is no other church on the Earth that could give me such a strong feeling of peace and happiness. And its really just progressed from there, and I feel more stable and in control and just happy with being a daughter of God than I have in a long time. I need him, and his love is what I need more than anything. I know what I want to do with myself now, and I know it without a doubt.

Which makes me super excited for EFY next week. It should be great. And I'm hoping that maybe things will be different and I'll be able to let go of myself a little more. One things for sure, after last year's EFY, it would be impossible for this year to be any worse =] haha. But as long as I am open and out there, and not shy, I think that I'll be fine. And I'll have Emma there to help me out, so it should be great.

Well, this is all kind of jumbled and I know that there was a lot more that I wanted to write about, but its already really long. Sooo today's picture is by NadavDov and the song is "Let It All Out" by RelientK.

"If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Just Let Go

It's been a while; over two weeks. Guess there hasn't been much to say. Nothing to say that hasn't been said in this blog twenty times. So, there are a couple things that I want to get out. =]

Number one, I saw this old lady at the hospital the other day when Mommy went to go and get some xrays done (shes fine) and she is wheeled in, and she has to be at least eighty or so. And her nurse wheels her over to this guy thats probably in his fifties. And she smiles and says "Oh son, your the only thing I've got left. I'm so glad you came." He was there to take her to all of her appointments. The nurse said she'd come and get her after they were done. The little old lady sounded so sad. It made me want to cry. It must be so sad to get older and feel like you've got nothing left. I feel bad for the older people that are in hospitals or nursing homes and they dont have anyone there or they start falling apart mentally and physically. Its really sad. But maybe thats an ignorant thing to say. I don't know.

And the second thing, is that I finally stopped feeling empty and I figured out whats wrong with me. I feel like I've kind of slipped between the cracks, you know. Like, everyone that I was important to, I'm not so important to them anymore. And everyone that I care about, doesn't need me anymore. I guess I realized that I need people to need me. And now I guess no one really needs me. I know its a stupid problem to have, but its the truth. I want to really matter to someone. I mean, I know that I have friends that probably depend on me. But they don't need me, they just need someone. And I guess thats the part that stinks. But I can't really tell if I'm unraveling or if I'm just hardening myself now. Guess its kind of both. I know that doesnt make much sense.

Last thing is that I'm getting tired of putting myself on the line. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of people messing with my head and not being honest. Just be honest with me. I think that people assume I can't take the truth. I'd rather you just tell me. After being friends with Sarah for eight years, I know how to take the truth. Don't skirt around it, don't sugarcoat it, don't avoid it. Just tell me. I avoid telling myself the truth so its easier when other people tell me themselves. Because messing with someones head isnt nice. And I'm tired of it happening to me. I can only be dragged around for so long. Maybe they think that I'll always be here to put up with crap and that I can just be a convenience, but I'm tired of putting up with it. I'm sooooo tired of putting up with it and putting myself on the line. It just sucks when you tell people the truth and they ignore it.
Anyways, thats about it. I'm sure there were other things that I could have said, but this is already fairly long, and my fingers are tired. So here is todays picture is by deckchairs and the song is Just Let Go by Mae


"I'll give you all I've got, just spare me your time and I promise you won't want to leave."

The Runaways

Wow, I can't believe its been a week and a half. I guess I've just kind of become blank. I found this in my journal from about 2 months ago. I said: "I feel so empty all the time. And when I'm not feeling empty then I feel so full of pent up emotions that I just want to burst." And I guess I'm kind of feeling like that again. Like, there is nothing to write.

I'm just so unsure of everything; and so indecisive. It's driving me nuts. It's just like, how do you make the right decision? and how do you know you're making the right decision? I mean, you just don't. I guess that this just goes back to the whole consequences thing.

But you know, you can only go so long hovering with indecision before it drives you crazy; sooner or later you have to make a decision and then live with it. I've just become so bad at taking risks. I can't decide whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't know I'm just so confused about it all the time. I don't know =/ One day I think one thing and then the next I change my mind. Earlier today I thought that I'd made a decision and now I'm rethinking it.

Blahhh. I suck at life.

Sorry, this is a lame way to come back after being gone for so long. But I figured that I don't know how long it'll be before I'm no longer blank. So I might as well say that I'm confused and semi-sad.

(Though, in happier news, prom was fun, and this past week/weekend has been good. Then again, prom made me realize that I miss that feeling that having a boyfriend that you really care about gives you. If that makes sense. But prom really was good.)

Anyway, todays picture is by UltraViolett and the quote is from Angel- Sarah McLachlan



"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance- for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction- oh beautiful release- memory seeps from my veins. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees."

Leave the Pieces When You Go

Just so everyone knows, it makes me happy to get comments from new people =] Thanks Kaitlyn and Austin.

I've been writing a lot lately in my novel; and it made me remember how much of a good distraction it is. It also made me remember how dang hard it is. But I love it.

So, yesterday I heard my mom talking on the phone to a certain anonymous person about how she thinks that one of my anonymous friends is depressed. And, unfortunately, I would have to agree. Now, I am not egotistical to the point where I would ever think that it is my fault (and I don't) But sometimes I wonder if this person would have been better off if they hadn't met me. That maybe they would be happier if not for me. Sometimes I think that, because of my selfishness, I inadvertantly prevented them from doing a lot of things that would have made them happier. It's funny how decisions work. Some of them you don't even realize that you've made until the consequences come. Some of them where you choose to ignore the possibility of a bad consequence. You are so caught up in what you want and how you feel that you forget to look at what might happen because of it. Blahh.

Anyway, I was talking to Ali and Chase the other night about the Twilight series and Ali was saying how Eclipse was her favorite and then I said that Twilight was mine. And Chase was saying how everyone likes Twilight because they're all in love with Edward. So it set me thinking about why exactly I love the first book so much. I mean, plot and character development and everything is better in Eclipse. So why is Twilight my favorite?

Its not because I'm smitten with Edward; and not because I think he's the perfect guy. I'm pretty sure that if he were real then I wouldn't fall for him. I mean, he's perfect for Bella though. And I think thats why Twilight is my favorite. Because its about two people who are crazy about each other and are in love even though every odd is against them.

And I really like the idea of true love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find it. I mean, don't think that I'm like "Ah I'm so hideous, I'll never get married because no guy will ever love me." Because I don't think that. But I just don't know if I'll be able to find someone who is as crazy about me as I am about them, and who cares about me. I just really wonder because it seems like I'll never be satisfied. There are plenty of cool guys that I could have gone for, but its like- the chemistry is never there, you know? It's pathetic, because I think I have only seriously liked one guy. I mean, yeah I've had other little crushes and junk like that. But its like, I can't find anyone that I click with. And I know that I'm still way young and I've got plenty of time- but sometimes I just don't see it ever happening. Finding a guy that I care about who cares about me too. It just seems so impossible.

I'm such an angsty teenager =] haha.

Emma told me the other day that I'm an open person, and for the first time I really realized that I am. I guess this blog is a testament to that haha. But I guess there are a lot of things that I hide too. But who knows; I surely don't. Like I've said, I don't really understand myself much.

Well, inspiration today is a picture by saccharinesmile and a quote from the song Goodbye by Smith Point.

"I believe in what you do, I've always believed in you- despite the words they say. So don't walk away this time, we've made it through so much worse; I don't want to run."

Dream On

So yesterday was the worst day I've had in a long while. Here is how it went: I got home from church and was yelled at by my dad for the millionth thing this week; for something that I thought I was actually doing RIGHT for once. So I went up to my room and pretty much stayed there until this morning; 18 hours. Except for coming out twice to eat. But now I'm feeling really sick. But at least I got a lot of sleep. And lots of time to think.

It's just like, I can't do anything right. Nothing that I do will ever be enough, so why try? I follow all the 20 million rules we have at our house. And I don't argue with him like Ali does, even when I disagree. And I let him say whatever he wants to about me and my life and boys, without saying anything. But you know, it will never be enough.

And I talked to my real dad on the phone on Thursday; and nothing I do for him will ever be enough either. To him, I can't be a nurse, I need to be a nurse practitioner or a doctor. I need to be graduating now. I need to be a genius and make a ton of money. And he wants me to force my mom to let us see him. But I can't do that. I'm tired of being stuck between the two of them. I'm tired of arguing about whats right and whats wrong. Telling them what I think isn't enough.

And I'll never be a good enough friend. No matter how much I'm there or how much I care, its not like I can really ever make them happy. And no matter how hard I try, its not like I can make someone care about me or trust me or want to be with me.

And I could go on about all the other things that I thought about yesterday that make me insufficient to other people, but this is already starting to sound like some kind of pity party. But its not; I just know that a lot of people can probably relate to these kind of feelings.

Second thing, I came to a conclusion over the course of the weekend. I need to stop being hopeful. Hope is probably the main source of any depression that I feel.

If you never get your hopes up, then they can't be crushed. Then you can't feel like an idiot. Then you don't have to lose your dignity. Then it won't hurt so much when something doesn't happen.

So, no more hoping. No more saying that I know something good is going to happen. Because it hurts when it doesn't happen; and I realize that it won't ever happen.

Anyways, I don't feel good, so I'm going to go take some medicine, wait for Gabriella to take her nap, and then go to sleep again. Todays inspiration is "Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin, and a picture by TheMadScientist.


"Two to one; Static to the sound of you and I undone for the last time. Oh, say you'll miss me one last time and I'll be strong"

Photographs and Memories

So the past week has been weird to say the least. Do you ever just feel like you can't figure anything out? and you feel like there's an answer right in front of you, but you just can't get to it? That's how I've been feeling.

I'm just trying to figure out if the thing that I want is the right thing for me and if it will make me happier in the end or if it will even work out if I try. But there is just so much doubt and confusion and anxiety and fear in me that I don't know what I should do.

And don't get me wrong, its not like I sit here and obsess over it all the time in a deep depression; generally speaking, things are very good and I'm very happy. It's just that with the lack of other things to worry me, this seems to be weighing on my mind a lot. Not to mention that writing again in the novel hasn't helped much with the matter, it reminds me of a lot of things that I try to block out. But oh well.

Anyway, last night I started making a list of all the things that I would want in a guy. And I realized that a big part of it is that I want to be able to make him happy. I want to be able to be someone that he wants to be around and be able to make him smile whenever he sees me. I want to make him happy. And then it made me kind of sad to realize that there is probably a total of one person that I can make happy, and that person is not a boy. So I guess it was a little disheartening. I've just gotten to the point where I think it will be a long time before I'm in a "relationship" (that seems like too serious of a word for a teenager to be using, but oh well) where I can make someone happy and they can make me happy. And it makes me sad. Because, as I've already said, I want that feeling of belonging again. And I want that fun and excitement of having a boyfriend. But oh well, there is nothing I can do about that. Any boy that I like, I can't make him happy. And any guy that likes me, he can't make me happy. So I'm kinda missing things all around.

Oh, and second topic. I'll try to make this short because I know that this entry is already getting kind of long and disjointed. But I've been getting that second-best feeling. I guess it comes with having such awesome friends like Emma and Sarah, but its like, everyone I know likes one of my friends better than they like me. I know that it's probably just one of those insecure type feelings, but the two of them are just so fantastic that I feel like I'll never be able to measure up. I mean, its not like I think that everyone doesn't like me or anything, its just sometimes I just feel like a stand-in for someone better, you know? Like, I'll never be enough for someone, that I'm just there until something better comes along. But insecurity is ever present, and its not like this is a big deal. Just thought that I would share and see if anyone (my imaginary readers) has felt the same way.

And just a quick side note. I said this earlier, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm depressed or unhappy. I realized that it probably seems like it in this blog, that all I do is sit around and think about all the negative things, but I really don't. This blog I guess has just become my way of getting out those thoughts about things that worry me. There are a lot of wonderfully fantastic things in my life, but there is so much that I would never be able to write it all down. And writing out my worries does me a lot of good. It takes some kind of weight off of me I guess.

Anyway, my daily inspiration is a sweet quote that I found today. And the picture is one of my own.

"I always want to be with you. You make me feel great, and I love being with you, and talking to you, and being close to you, and holding your hand, and all those little things. Gosh I'm so crazy about you. I want to be with you all the time. Just me and you."