I guess I'll start with the easiest thing first- I think I have decided what I want to do education-wise, and it scares the crap out of me. I want to graduate by December and then take a Nurse's Aid class at CPCC, and then transfer from there to the College of Sciences at Northeast Medical and get my Associates in nursing, then while I'm working I can take online courses to get my Bachelors in nursing. Its going to cost a lot of money and work and I have a feeling that its going to be a really tough time, but I'm excited.
Only thing I really don't like is that I'm going to be here, in Cabarrus County, where I have lived for the past bajillion years, with the same people. And, don't get me wrong, there are several people that I would hate to leave, but it is ridiculous how ready I am to find new people, being at EFY made me realize that.
And EFY was in a word, amazing. I loved my group, I loved my session director, I loved the lessons, I loved the testimony meeting, I loved the spirit you could feel there, I just loved everything really. Most importantly, I grew closer to my Heavenly Father and I think I'm starting to understand a lot of things that I didn't understand before. I sincerely believe that true faith and perfection through Christ is a long road, but I know that if you don't start walking towards it, you'll never get there.
Other thing that I learned is a great lesson about people, and about myself. I need to stop letting people run over me. I need to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself and people who appreciate me and people that don't take me for granted. I need to be with people who like to have fun and don't care what other people think and accept everyone and aren't judgemental and critcal. I'm just sad that all those people that I met at EFY who were like that are scattered across several states.
It just hadn't hit me so hard that I'd been feeling bad about myself, that I didn't realize how much everyone else had been weighing down on me. It just felt so good to hear someone say that I was of worth, that they cared about me for me, and that they appreciated me- and them be truly sincere about it.
I hadn't had felt that from anyone who wasn't Sarah, Emma, or my family, in such a long time. All my friendships seem to be falling apart back here, and I know that its probably my fault. I feel that I've just regressed so much back into my shell and that its really hard for me to trust people now. I feel like everyone that I care about will leave eventually.
But regardless of that, there has been a lot of progression too. I've become more independent, or rather I've become more dependent on Heavenly Father and Christ. I'm a lot stronger now, I'm better at dealing with problems. I have a better outlook on what I want to do with my life. I have come to a greater love and appreciation for my true friends and for people in general. I'm so much happier than I was at the beginning of the year, and the end of last year. I have a better perspective of everything. I feel better about myself as a person and as a daughter of God.
There are still some days I feel like no one will ever understand me, that I'll never be able to be totally honest with anyone else. I feel like people I've known for years don't really know me at all. Some think I'm just some shy girl that keeps to herself; some think I'm stuck up; some think that I'm just some girl that gets scared easily and is fun to play around with. But all the time I feel like people are looking right past me. I just repress things so much.
There are still days that are staggeringly lonely.
But most days I'm happy. I've been blessed with a wonderful family that I love a lot, I've been blessed with very few big trials, I've been blessed with the gospel of Christ, I've been blessed with the love of a few beautiful best friends, I've been blessed with an education, I've been blessed with a healthy body, I've been blessed with parents who work hard to provide for me. Actually, I've been blessed so much with so many other things that those lonely days really mean nothing.
So, in closing I'll leave a picture by enutpnut and a quote from Good Day- Angels & Airwaves.
"If love's a word that you say, then say it, I will listen... You know I won't say sorry."
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