It seems like there's just so much to write now, because I've done a lot of growing and changing on the inside this past little bit.
I'll start with the bad stuff first I guess, that way by the end, it'll just get better and better and I'll feel good haha.
So, lately I've been feeling kind of detached from everything. Right now I kind of feel like I've lost a lot of people who I used to be close to. Actually, I feel like the only close friends I have now are Sarah and Emma. Which I am so grateful that they are there for me, because I love them so so so much. But all the other people that I used to be close to, I'm just not anymore. Person1 is mad at me, and to be honest I just can't call them anymore because there are so many residual feelings still left there from where I got hurt and felt betrayed. I can't call them without feeling like everything that I say will be judged, twisted, and then fed to everyone else. Person2 is a hypocrite and says that they do everything perfect and still no one wants to be friends with them anymore. But the fact is, is that you can't treat your friends like dirt and then expect them to stay with you. And it's not like I'm not one for second chances, but you have to try and change first, and you can't think that you're God. Person3 is someone I just can't talk to anymore. Person 4... will be discussed later. I miss these people a lot, and gosh I care about all of them so much, I just can't take it anymore. And if that means only having my family and Sarah and Emma, then so be it.
Another thing is, Emma is leaving =[ and honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. These past couple months I have become so dependent on her. I mean, I am soo happy and excited that she's going off to college and is going to have so many great opportunities, because its what she needs right now I think. But I'll just miss her you know. And church is going to be weird without her.
Sometimes I wish that I was leaving too; I really wish that I could get out of Harrisburg. Or really out of North Carolina. Only thing that keeps from applying to a million out of state colleges, is having to leave my family and Sarah. But I'm tired of things here. I want something different. And I don't want to have to deal with select people here anymore.
Select people really just being Person4. Which I'm sure everyone knows who Person4 is, or can guess. But I don't care, we're just going to call them P4. I just don't understand them at all; and they never are honest so I never know what they are really thinking. Because you can't make me think that we are best friends, and then a couple months later just freak out and tell me that I'm just like every other one of their half-friends and that I'm not worth their time. Maybe other people can deal with going back and forth like that, but I care about P4 and I don't want to sit there and just be friends whenever they feel like it. It makes me too sad, and confused. And I'm tired of trying really hard and feeling like I get nothing back, and that its all just wasted effort. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't tried to be friends again back in September. Maybe if I had just dropped things, then I would have moved on by now and wouldn't still be dealing with crap. But I did learn a lot from them. I just feel so stupid for trusting them to be there, and for trusting them with my secrets, and trusting them to care about me. And I feel like I've wasted so much time on something that was never going to be good again.
And I feel like right now the only person that really likes me in my stake is Emma, so that kind of stinks.
But thats all the whining I have to do. There's actually a lot of good stuff going on too.
Right now I'm trying to see if I can take some college courses in the fall at CPCC, and I want to get another job. That way I'll have money from taking care of Gabriella, working for Tami, and my other job. So that will be exciting if I can get it to happen =]
I've been able to write a lot, and I'm doing pretty good, and I actually like everything I've written so far, so that is very very good. One day maybe I'll end up sending it out to some editors/publishers.
But the most important thing is that in this past month I have done a lot of getting closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior, and my beliefs. Girls Camp basically started it. It was absolutely amazing. I loved my first level girls so much. The spirit that they had was just overwhelming and every day I felt Heavenly Father's love for them. And I just would have done anything for those girls. And Testimony meeting there, I think I cried through the entire thing, it just touched my heart so much. And I felt the spirit so strong and I know now without a doubt that there is no other church on the Earth that could give me such a strong feeling of peace and happiness. And its really just progressed from there, and I feel more stable and in control and just happy with being a daughter of God than I have in a long time. I need him, and his love is what I need more than anything. I know what I want to do with myself now, and I know it without a doubt.
Which makes me super excited for EFY next week. It should be great. And I'm hoping that maybe things will be different and I'll be able to let go of myself a little more. One things for sure, after last year's EFY, it would be impossible for this year to be any worse =] haha. But as long as I am open and out there, and not shy, I think that I'll be fine. And I'll have Emma there to help me out, so it should be great.
Well, this is all kind of jumbled and I know that there was a lot more that I wanted to write about, but its already really long. Sooo today's picture is by NadavDov and the song is "Let It All Out" by RelientK.
"If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."
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