Vindicated

So today I got on to blog and was all ready to start complaining about how much I hate that I really like someone that lives in another state thats going on a mission soon. And how the other guy that means a ton to me doesnt like me and how it hurt to find that out and about all that I think about that. And I was ready to go on about how you can't stop people from making bad decisions and after its done, there are just some situations that are beyond the handling of a seventeen year old. And, granted, I did just get out all of those things, but there is something much more important I want to type about.

Because before I started to write, I reread all my blog entries since I first started last April. Last year was a rollercoaster ride and things have been confusing and hard, but gosh in a way it was one of the best years I've ever had, simply because I've grown so much, and I've learned so much. And so, I decided that all of last year's entries plus this one will be my Individual Worth project for church. Reading through the entries gave me a better understanding of it, and for once I think I'm starting to get the full meaning of it. Individual Worth isn't just liking yourself when your perfect and when things are great. Individual Worth means liking yourself through the good and the bad- and when bad things happen, coming out of them going, "yeah that sucked, but its gonna be okay because I'm okay and Heavenly Father still loves me and he's got a plan for me" And, truth be told, its really easy to lose sight of, but its always there.

Its okay that this year meant the ending of a big part of my life, because I think its making room for something bigger. And this year was probably the time that I've spent the most by myself- the year I've had with the fewest friends. But I've learned to like myself on my own terms, instead of by other peoples, and I've learned to just observe more and try and look beyond just the immediate.

And its funny, looking back I saw things that I'd forgotten- feelings of such happiness and self-worth that I forgot had happened, but I realize that they are still there. I was feeling like I'd changed so much from this summer and that I wasn't gong to be happy like that anymore. But those feelings never left, I just never tapped back into them. Because once I started reading, that happiness filled me again and I know its been there all along.

Its funny, because in one of my first blog entries I talked about how much I wanted some kind of adventure, some fantastic thing to happen to me, and I didn't realize it until now, but I got my adventure and it came to me in my own journey. It wasnt the one that I'd wanted, or expected. But I'm so grateful for it.

Thanks to everyone thats been there for me. Whether it was my close friends that got the whole ride, or just people that asked how I was doing, it all means a lot. Even if a lot of times I was wrapped up and didn't show it.

And my biggest thank you is for Heavenly Father and for all that he's done for me. He knew what was best for me, even when sometimes I didn't like it and it was hard. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to realize it.

So I want to make this into a little book for my individual worth project, not so that other people can read it (because it is personal and a little embarressing) But instead because I don't want to forget how much I collectively learned about Individual Worth this year and how happy I am to be who I and to be a daughter of God- even when I am being an angsty overdramatic teenager haha.

So I'd say that 2009 is going to be just fine =]

So todays pic is from Cerenimo and the song is "When I Go Down" - Relient K (which could be a theme song for me haha)



"When I go down I lift my eyes to you, I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms, to lift me up again."