Or maybe its not really confused, I think its more lost. I mean, I know a lot better who I am now. But I feel like I'm just sitting watching life pass by and I can't get a hold on anything that matters. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either. I'm just nothing. No love left. No hate. No drive. Nothing. Just watching the rest of the world swim while I hold onto the bank. Figuratively, I guess I'm just scared of drowning. I don't know why, but it seems like I've slowly distanced myself from everyone. I don't do it on purpose, I just do.
I mean prime example- Jon. He was the first guy that wasn't Connor that I'd actually really felt anything for. And he called and emailed and left me voicemails, and what did I do? Nothing. I looked and listened and got scared of getting attached and hurt. And then the calls just stopped. =[ And gosh even though its been a while, I miss them coming. And its so dumb.
And there are a million other people that I do the same thing to. Anyone that might hurt me, I cut them out of my life without realizing that I'm doing it until its done.
Onto the next thing. People are saying that I am going inactive. First of all, I have no way to drive there, and its not like you see my parents at church without me. When they go, I go. But second of all, lets observe some things. One of the three girls that are my age, hates me. And the other two are close friends with her. And of the six guys that are my age- two of them think that I'm a loser, two of them could care less, one has been a jerk to the majority of my friends, and the last is just hard and weird and sad to be around. And I would say most of them think I'm stupid. Its just hard to be there. I mean, I still want to go, but I'll admit its harder to want it. I used to feel like church and my ward was the one place where I really belonged, and now its gone, and I think thats been one of the hardest things for me to get used to.
And last of all, I'm going to get closure tomorrow night on my incessant feelings. And then 2009 I'm starting over and letting go and getting over everything. 2009 means its over once and for all. I've been holding onto something that I want to be there, and if its not there then its not there and there's no use sticking around. I'm not going to try to be close friends again, thats not what I want, it never has been. So tomorrow night will settle it and then I'm going to finally just leave it alone. Put away everything. Leave well enough alone. I've thought about it a lot and this is the last time that I'll try this and then we can be just cordial friends and leave the past behind.
2009 will hopefully be a new start for me. Wish me luck.
Picture is by Henki24 and the song is Congratulations - Blue October ft. Imogen Heap
"My heart won't take this cover up."
3 comments:
Living in the Blue, I too live in NC and go to LDS church mountains in Western NC. I enjoyed reading your blog it happened to be on one of my family blogs and if you want me not to read it I will honor that and not read it any longer. You are welcome to read my blog and see our family too. it is
www.pahbradleyfamily.blogspot.com
I would like to keep in touch with you some time. I have over 50 children, birth, adopted and foster. I am in college now and have a pretty crazy life but as I said enjoyed reading your blog. Let me know if you are ok with me reading it but I will not if you rather I didn't . I hope your new year is a new start and you have a good one. Have a great week. Patricia Bradley.
I don't mind you reading my blog at all. Its personal and a little embarressing, but I don't mind sharing what I think with others, so you're welcome to. Your blog is private so I wasn't able to view it, but thank you. I guess you are related to Carmen? I hope that you have a good week as well.
Yes Tori, I am Ronnie's Mom and Carmen's M-I-L. I forgot my blog has to have me used your email and invite you to view it. my email is pahbradley@gmail.com and I will respond if you email me to view my blog. I just forgot about the block I have on it. Our blog is much more crazy and hectic than Carmen and Ronnie's with the little grandsons and the cute things they do. I look forward to sharing a few things with you. I have several things I think you will find interesting and that is why I responded to your blog. Thanks Patricia Bradley
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