One month and I'm gone. That's it. In one month, I will be sitting in my dorm room at Western Carolina as long as everything goes according to plan.
Taking little trips down memory lane probably isn't the best thing for me, but oh well. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me terribly sad. Things have changed so much but I just can't find the significance of it all. I know it's there, but in the past year so little has changed, except me. The things that did happen, feel surreal. But maybe thats just a way to deal. Ah who knows.
I'm getting really frustrated with everything. I've been kind of a grump lately, but I try not to show it too much.
There are just times that I feel totally invisible. I don't understand it. It's like one second it's all there and everything is good, and then it's like you aren't even there. I mean, I can deal with it, and I do. I've gotten to the point these days where I'm pretty strong and things don't upset me like they used to, but it still bothers me. It always bothers me.
And I know I already talked about it, but I'm really worried my birthday is going to suck. I mean, I thought about it today and this year I really want it to be better than the last two. I mean, on my 16th birthday I found out Connor liked Taryn again and I spent the whole day pretty much just being sad. And then my 17th I went to a church dance, which was even worse. The dance was terrible and the night ended with Emma and Sarah both being super sad. I got some cute clothes though, so that was a plus.
But I really want this one to not suck. And if we go to the concert, I don't think it will. But still, I don't know if it we'll actually be able to go. Just turning eighteen in general will kind of stink in its own way.
And I guess to be honest, lately I've just been jealous. I've tried so hard not to be, but I am. Emma fell in love with this amazing guy this year and he loves her and she gets that whole amazing experience, and she's just such a great person. And Sarah, everyone loves Sarah. I mean, she is just infectious and makes people fall in love with her. Guys fall all over her. And it's hard for me to watch. I am so proud of her and the fact that she is so great and loveable is part of why she's my best friend, but I can't help but feeling like I'm second rate. It's not that I think badly of myself, but everyone wants to be wanted. And I want that. I want to just feel like someone I want, wants me back. I want to feel at home. I know it's so angsty teenager, but I want that boy. I want one who wants to know, and wants to listen, that I don't have to watch what I say around. I want one who appreciates me and who cares. And if I can't have those things yet, thats okay. But I wish that I had a sign that it was possible. It just seems so farfetched right now.
And I miss talking to one of my friends. A lot. I wish I could call him up now to talk. And I hate that I can't. I hate that everyone around me can go to him about their problems and get a hug and nice words, but that he's the one person that can't be there for me anymore. It sucks you know =/ sometimes it just really, really sucks. Because sometimes he's the one person I need.
Anyways, now that I've gotten all that out, I'd better go. The quote is With Me by Sum 41.
"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt,
Pieces of memories fall to the ground."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Everlasting Friend
So, I feel like a lot has happened in the past month and a half, and I've been majorly slacking with my entries. Hopefully I'll get a little better. I know that I'm going to forget half of what I wanted to say.
Tonight I started writing again. I'm close to 13,000 words now, and no one has read any of it. I wish that I could find someone to. Someone that would actually be honest. And someone I could trust with my words. I really like the story, but then again, I'm kind of attached to it.
Anyways, I'm going to school in the fall and I'm scared out of my mind. Why are big changes like this the things that I want and yet I'm most terrified of them? I guess I just feel like I'm walking into unknown territory. Sure, things around here aren't really great, but at least I know how to handle it. Sucky Harrisburg is something that I'm used to, I can deal with it. New and exciting WCU, on the other hand, is terrifying. Also, all the school work I have left is sending me into major stressing.
I am so very glad I'm leaving though, in spite of my fears, there's nothing left here for me except my family.
Lately I've been kind of down on myself. I acted in a way that I'm not proud of. I showed a side of me to someone that I should have kept to myself, I want to be good and be an example. I'm a little ashamed. I should be helping and encouraging, not adapting to be what's wanted. Even the good guys want girls to be a certain way, and I don't want to be that. I want to be good. I want to influence others to be good.
I feel a little distant from everyone these days, even with both Emma and Sarah being around more often. I guess it's part of growing up. Things change. It makes me sad though, I wish I could change it.
And lately I've been really anxious to have a conversation with one of my friends that I should have had at the beginning of the summer. It needs to be said. I want to prove to myself that I can be brave. And I'm going to. I already know that things won't turn out good, but it needs to be done.
I know I'm not being very eloquent, but it's almost four in the morning and I can't really think straight. I knew though that if I didn't post something now, I wouldn't later.
Also, my birthday is less than a month away. It makes me a little sad. I was going to do something for it, but I think I've changed my mind. I think Emma, Sarah, and I are going to go to a concert, and I'll see how many people actually notice that it's my bday. I know, self-pity. But I'm allowed a little, right? It's just that after my past two birthdays (esp the last one haha), I don't really have high hopes for this year. We'll see.
So, last thing, I went to my dad(the one in texas)'s house for this first time in three years. I would write a lot about it, but I'm about to fall asleep. But I'll just say that I wish I'd done it a while ago. Ah, then again, I might not have been ready then. Anyways, seeing Kenzi and Riley was great, and so was seeing my dad and Sandi. I want to be so much closer to all of them, it seems so impossible though. If I can hardly keep close with the people around here, how am I supposed to manage it with them being in Texas? And it's tough to have two families that you feel responsible to. But I do have two. And that's what counts, do I'll just have to deal. It's weird though. It's all weird.
Alright, I know I'm not making any sense so I'm going to just close with a quote from Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie.
Tonight I started writing again. I'm close to 13,000 words now, and no one has read any of it. I wish that I could find someone to. Someone that would actually be honest. And someone I could trust with my words. I really like the story, but then again, I'm kind of attached to it.
Anyways, I'm going to school in the fall and I'm scared out of my mind. Why are big changes like this the things that I want and yet I'm most terrified of them? I guess I just feel like I'm walking into unknown territory. Sure, things around here aren't really great, but at least I know how to handle it. Sucky Harrisburg is something that I'm used to, I can deal with it. New and exciting WCU, on the other hand, is terrifying. Also, all the school work I have left is sending me into major stressing.
I am so very glad I'm leaving though, in spite of my fears, there's nothing left here for me except my family.
Lately I've been kind of down on myself. I acted in a way that I'm not proud of. I showed a side of me to someone that I should have kept to myself, I want to be good and be an example. I'm a little ashamed. I should be helping and encouraging, not adapting to be what's wanted. Even the good guys want girls to be a certain way, and I don't want to be that. I want to be good. I want to influence others to be good.
I feel a little distant from everyone these days, even with both Emma and Sarah being around more often. I guess it's part of growing up. Things change. It makes me sad though, I wish I could change it.
And lately I've been really anxious to have a conversation with one of my friends that I should have had at the beginning of the summer. It needs to be said. I want to prove to myself that I can be brave. And I'm going to. I already know that things won't turn out good, but it needs to be done.
I know I'm not being very eloquent, but it's almost four in the morning and I can't really think straight. I knew though that if I didn't post something now, I wouldn't later.
Also, my birthday is less than a month away. It makes me a little sad. I was going to do something for it, but I think I've changed my mind. I think Emma, Sarah, and I are going to go to a concert, and I'll see how many people actually notice that it's my bday. I know, self-pity. But I'm allowed a little, right? It's just that after my past two birthdays (esp the last one haha), I don't really have high hopes for this year. We'll see.
So, last thing, I went to my dad(the one in texas)'s house for this first time in three years. I would write a lot about it, but I'm about to fall asleep. But I'll just say that I wish I'd done it a while ago. Ah, then again, I might not have been ready then. Anyways, seeing Kenzi and Riley was great, and so was seeing my dad and Sandi. I want to be so much closer to all of them, it seems so impossible though. If I can hardly keep close with the people around here, how am I supposed to manage it with them being in Texas? And it's tough to have two families that you feel responsible to. But I do have two. And that's what counts, do I'll just have to deal. It's weird though. It's all weird.
Alright, I know I'm not making any sense so I'm going to just close with a quote from Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie.
"And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Cross Me Off Your List
Well, I'm blogging sooner than I thought I would be. But I guess I've got more stuff to ramble on about.
So, last night Olivia went to church with us. And it was so odd, but I got really jealous; it took me a while to figure out why, but then it hit me. I didn't really care (that much, haha) that she was flirting with all the guys, or even that she was wearing my clothes while she did it. But what it truly, honestly, was, was that Olivia, in one night, managed to feel more at home at my church, than I've felt in almost a year.
I just feel like something old and used up that no one cares about anymore, I'm just old news- something to be overlooked. I don't remember what it feels like anymore to have real friends there, and to feel like someone actually wants me around, instead of just tolerating me being around. And that's where I get to the idea of wanting to change, like I talked about in my last post.
And most of all, I hate that I care so much about this. I hate that it messes me up just thinking about how I don't feel like I belong there anymore. And I know that I've talked about this before, but I can't get it out of my head. Every time I'm there I just feel like a stranger. I feel like no one likes me, or they just don't care enough to go either way.
I don't know what happened, which is one of the hardest parts of it. It's just like, one day everything was great, and then suddenly, it was all gone. And now it's so hard to go to church. I know that's terrible to say, because I really don't want people to affect my attendance, but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'm just lonely. Not depressed or anything, just lonely. And worried.
I don't know, I'm such a whiner. A whiner with no friends.
You know, it's weird. I typed "haha" at the end of that last sentence and then thought better of it. And I do it a lot. I type haha and act like it's funny, when, in all reality, it isn't at all. I've been doing it for ages, and it needs to stop.
Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of seminary, which is kind of bittersweet. Just like graduation. I had some pretty great times in seminary. None of which happened this year, but the past three years were a lot of fun. It just makes me sad that it's over, and ending this way too.
I just hold tight to the hope that I'll find someone I love, that loves me for me. Because I can't be a Sarah, or an Emma, or an Olivia, or an Ali. I can only be Tori. And I just worry that it won't ever be enough for someone.
Okay, before this pity party gets any worse, I'm going to end. Quote is from Rest In Pieces- Saliva
"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again, cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did- it has not healed with time- it just shot down my spine. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"
So, last night Olivia went to church with us. And it was so odd, but I got really jealous; it took me a while to figure out why, but then it hit me. I didn't really care (that much, haha) that she was flirting with all the guys, or even that she was wearing my clothes while she did it. But what it truly, honestly, was, was that Olivia, in one night, managed to feel more at home at my church, than I've felt in almost a year.
I just feel like something old and used up that no one cares about anymore, I'm just old news- something to be overlooked. I don't remember what it feels like anymore to have real friends there, and to feel like someone actually wants me around, instead of just tolerating me being around. And that's where I get to the idea of wanting to change, like I talked about in my last post.
And most of all, I hate that I care so much about this. I hate that it messes me up just thinking about how I don't feel like I belong there anymore. And I know that I've talked about this before, but I can't get it out of my head. Every time I'm there I just feel like a stranger. I feel like no one likes me, or they just don't care enough to go either way.
I don't know what happened, which is one of the hardest parts of it. It's just like, one day everything was great, and then suddenly, it was all gone. And now it's so hard to go to church. I know that's terrible to say, because I really don't want people to affect my attendance, but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'm just lonely. Not depressed or anything, just lonely. And worried.
I don't know, I'm such a whiner. A whiner with no friends.
You know, it's weird. I typed "haha" at the end of that last sentence and then thought better of it. And I do it a lot. I type haha and act like it's funny, when, in all reality, it isn't at all. I've been doing it for ages, and it needs to stop.
Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of seminary, which is kind of bittersweet. Just like graduation. I had some pretty great times in seminary. None of which happened this year, but the past three years were a lot of fun. It just makes me sad that it's over, and ending this way too.
I just hold tight to the hope that I'll find someone I love, that loves me for me. Because I can't be a Sarah, or an Emma, or an Olivia, or an Ali. I can only be Tori. And I just worry that it won't ever be enough for someone.
Okay, before this pity party gets any worse, I'm going to end. Quote is from Rest In Pieces- Saliva
"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again, cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did- it has not healed with time- it just shot down my spine. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Be Be Your Love
So I wasn't going to post any more on this blog. At all. But to be honest, I'm very attached to it now that I've been writing in it for over a year. I came back to it the first time today because I feel like I really need someone to talk to and it's almost 3am and I wouldn't know who to go to. And if you haven't guessed already, I'm one of those people who have to get out what they're feeling. I don't often ask for advice, most times I just want to talk and get a hug. I guess I'll have to get a raincheck on the hug considering that, as far as I know, blogs cannot help with that haha.
Anyway,its been quite a while since I've posted. But I didn't blog any June last year, so I guess it will have to have been April this year.
It seems like a lot has happened and at the same time not anything at all.
I got accepted into WCU which is really exciting of course, I can't wait to get out of Charlotte and meet new people and just get away. It'll be a good thing.
But at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like a stranger to my friends. I mean, I've always been bad at keeping in touch with the people who aren't really close to me, but lately it seems like I'm not close to anyone anymore. I feel really alone sometimes. It's probably just part of human nature to feel that way, but right now I feel like the people around me are strangers.
And then I worry that maybe they didn't change, maybe it was me. Or maybe both. No one can really know I guess.
I mean, but it's not like I'm never happy. I am quite a bit. But it's just never that lightness anymore like I used to be able to feel. I always feel like there is just some kind of hollowness now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't know how to ask for help.
It's just that there's so much that's been going on with my family and they're so preoccupied with all these different dynamics, that I feel like I can't say anything. There's just so much on everyone right now, and I hate feeling weak. I've been the weak, emotional one my entire life, and I'm tired of playing that part.
I'm scared about college too. I'm scared about not being able to be the person Sarah wants me to be. I'm scared that I'll either go crazy, or that I will want to rebel. But not rebel against my parents or anything like that, or the church. But against the people that I feel like don't care about me anymore. Just to show them that they took me for granted, or to destroy the person they liked. I don't know. That part always scares me. And after race weekend, I worry that it will happen.
I think that the reason why I feel so disconnected from everyone though, is because it seems like everyone I love is changing and moving on and growing up, and I think I'm bitter because I feel like I'm still stuck in neutral and I don't know how to get out of it. Which is always why I'm scared that I'll get to the point where I'm willing to do anything to get out of it.
And I don't like my job. And I have 4 courses to finish over the Summer because I thought that time was going to slow down for me.
And I'm going to stop before I go into full pity-party mode. Yet again, I just needed a way to talk/complain.
I'm just scared out of my mind. And I hold in all of this crap and then I just explode. Like Wednesday, I was a wreck. Ali came to talk to me, and she asked if I was alright, and I just broke down and started bawling. I mean, I sucked it up right after and made a joke and went back in and brushed it off like a joke.
But it's really hard being at church now. Really, really hard. I won't go into what all has happened on the off-chance that people still have my blog link, because I'm not going to start spreading business that isn't just mine. I'm just really missing someone though that I shouldn't be missing. And it sounds psychotic even to me, but it's true. And lying about it, would be refusing something that is undeniably a part of who I am. And I need them now more than ever ever before. And I want them to be there. And I worry about them. But there isn't anything I can do about it.
I did everything I could do, and I'm hated because of it. So all I can do now is hope, or not hope, or do whatever I have to in order to keep going.
I can't ever do anything right. Ever.
It sucks. It just really, really, really sucks. Articulate, I know.
I'm just in a complaining, melancholy mood though. That hug really would be nice right about now.
Well, I'm sure I had more to talk about, but I'm getting extremely tired.
Anyway, today's quote is from "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. (Very tender song and video)
"There are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.."
Anyway,its been quite a while since I've posted. But I didn't blog any June last year, so I guess it will have to have been April this year.
It seems like a lot has happened and at the same time not anything at all.
I got accepted into WCU which is really exciting of course, I can't wait to get out of Charlotte and meet new people and just get away. It'll be a good thing.
But at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like a stranger to my friends. I mean, I've always been bad at keeping in touch with the people who aren't really close to me, but lately it seems like I'm not close to anyone anymore. I feel really alone sometimes. It's probably just part of human nature to feel that way, but right now I feel like the people around me are strangers.
And then I worry that maybe they didn't change, maybe it was me. Or maybe both. No one can really know I guess.
I mean, but it's not like I'm never happy. I am quite a bit. But it's just never that lightness anymore like I used to be able to feel. I always feel like there is just some kind of hollowness now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't know how to ask for help.
It's just that there's so much that's been going on with my family and they're so preoccupied with all these different dynamics, that I feel like I can't say anything. There's just so much on everyone right now, and I hate feeling weak. I've been the weak, emotional one my entire life, and I'm tired of playing that part.
I'm scared about college too. I'm scared about not being able to be the person Sarah wants me to be. I'm scared that I'll either go crazy, or that I will want to rebel. But not rebel against my parents or anything like that, or the church. But against the people that I feel like don't care about me anymore. Just to show them that they took me for granted, or to destroy the person they liked. I don't know. That part always scares me. And after race weekend, I worry that it will happen.
I think that the reason why I feel so disconnected from everyone though, is because it seems like everyone I love is changing and moving on and growing up, and I think I'm bitter because I feel like I'm still stuck in neutral and I don't know how to get out of it. Which is always why I'm scared that I'll get to the point where I'm willing to do anything to get out of it.
And I don't like my job. And I have 4 courses to finish over the Summer because I thought that time was going to slow down for me.
And I'm going to stop before I go into full pity-party mode. Yet again, I just needed a way to talk/complain.
I'm just scared out of my mind. And I hold in all of this crap and then I just explode. Like Wednesday, I was a wreck. Ali came to talk to me, and she asked if I was alright, and I just broke down and started bawling. I mean, I sucked it up right after and made a joke and went back in and brushed it off like a joke.
But it's really hard being at church now. Really, really hard. I won't go into what all has happened on the off-chance that people still have my blog link, because I'm not going to start spreading business that isn't just mine. I'm just really missing someone though that I shouldn't be missing. And it sounds psychotic even to me, but it's true. And lying about it, would be refusing something that is undeniably a part of who I am. And I need them now more than ever ever before. And I want them to be there. And I worry about them. But there isn't anything I can do about it.
I did everything I could do, and I'm hated because of it. So all I can do now is hope, or not hope, or do whatever I have to in order to keep going.
I can't ever do anything right. Ever.
It sucks. It just really, really, really sucks. Articulate, I know.
I'm just in a complaining, melancholy mood though. That hug really would be nice right about now.
Well, I'm sure I had more to talk about, but I'm getting extremely tired.
Anyway, today's quote is from "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. (Very tender song and video)
"There are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.."
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Save the Empty
Whenever I get in one of my upset moods and someone asks me if I'm okay, or what's wrong, this is what I want to show them:
"She waited all night for the tears to come;
Pictures of silence falling apart in her head.
The chaotic night unfolded behind closed eyes
And inside the bitter sheets her heart turned cold.
Their words were not what killed her.
Not their lies, nor their taunts.
Not in their misplaced gestures;
Not in their icy hearts.
No, the murder weapon chosen to rip away her soul
Were in the eyes of those she prized the most.
Fires didn’t burn there, not of hate or of fervor.
Cold deception never crept in, nothing of the sort.
Instead their dead gazes seemed to rest everywhere,
Except on her own dying frame.
Sluggishly, they passed without notice,
Speaking in a foreign tongue.
A language she’d forgotten long ago,
Before the days had merged with night.
At first she ran after the benumbed,
Begging to be seen,
Nails tearing into their arms as she grasped them,
Desperation permeating every thought.
But they retreated; and she ripped out her locks and clawed at her face in agony,
No one there to see.
She sat with the others,
Silently waiting for a turn of the head,
Someone to admire the monstrous face she had created.
But they stared at each other without feeling.
She screamed her own fretful pleas,
Words falling on tragic, deaf ears,
Until all that remained were bleeding whispers,
That slowly turned to quiet.
She cut out her tongue,
With no one to hear her beautiful words.
Into her solitude, she slipped,
Letting miserable visions and thoughts numb her own mind,
Left alone in the most complex of simplicities-
To fight the will to live.
She imagined an angel standing at the door
Though no pearl gate would let him through with her blood on his hands.
Raising a feeble arm she beckoned him to come,
To let his stained wings touch her for a moment.
He moved to her bedside without a word,
Leaving gory footprints to mark his path.
She raised her head to watch him.
But the sight nearly brought her tearless eyes to life.
Morbid coal had replaced the eyes of the wretched angel ,
And his lips stayed twisted in a mangled smile.
Gradually he pulled a tainted knife from his wings,
Never moving his heartbreaking face.
For a moment she felt a stir of joy in her chest,
At last he would put her toil to rest.
But he placed the blade on the sweat-stained sheets,
And slowly waited for the temptation to overwhelm.
The passionless love that had faded so long ago
Failed to persuade her to life
Existing only as empty memories
Of forgotten hands and biting sighs.
His meaningless smile stayed engrained
Until the gesture seemed to haunt.
The black eyes looked past her,
This moment of no consequence to the terrible, blighted angel.
So slowly, numbly she carved out her heart,
Bled out her soul,
Killed the love that had ceased to exist,
And died in the watch of her protector, her heart lying in front of him.
Retreating from his spot,
He left the dead to bury its own."
So yeah, this whole weekend has been really good and really bad.
I bet not one of them could have seen through the lie =/ I really cried for the first time in a long time.
Here is the quote, from Love, Save the Empty- Erin McCarley
"Sad boy, you stare up at the sky when no one's looking back at you. You wear your every last disguise; you're flying, then you fall through. Again, the false affection. Again, you're breaking inside. Love save the empty."
"She waited all night for the tears to come;
Pictures of silence falling apart in her head.
The chaotic night unfolded behind closed eyes
And inside the bitter sheets her heart turned cold.
Their words were not what killed her.
Not their lies, nor their taunts.
Not in their misplaced gestures;
Not in their icy hearts.
No, the murder weapon chosen to rip away her soul
Were in the eyes of those she prized the most.
Fires didn’t burn there, not of hate or of fervor.
Cold deception never crept in, nothing of the sort.
Instead their dead gazes seemed to rest everywhere,
Except on her own dying frame.
Sluggishly, they passed without notice,
Speaking in a foreign tongue.
A language she’d forgotten long ago,
Before the days had merged with night.
At first she ran after the benumbed,
Begging to be seen,
Nails tearing into their arms as she grasped them,
Desperation permeating every thought.
But they retreated; and she ripped out her locks and clawed at her face in agony,
No one there to see.
She sat with the others,
Silently waiting for a turn of the head,
Someone to admire the monstrous face she had created.
But they stared at each other without feeling.
She screamed her own fretful pleas,
Words falling on tragic, deaf ears,
Until all that remained were bleeding whispers,
That slowly turned to quiet.
She cut out her tongue,
With no one to hear her beautiful words.
Into her solitude, she slipped,
Letting miserable visions and thoughts numb her own mind,
Left alone in the most complex of simplicities-
To fight the will to live.
She imagined an angel standing at the door
Though no pearl gate would let him through with her blood on his hands.
Raising a feeble arm she beckoned him to come,
To let his stained wings touch her for a moment.
He moved to her bedside without a word,
Leaving gory footprints to mark his path.
She raised her head to watch him.
But the sight nearly brought her tearless eyes to life.
Morbid coal had replaced the eyes of the wretched angel ,
And his lips stayed twisted in a mangled smile.
Gradually he pulled a tainted knife from his wings,
Never moving his heartbreaking face.
For a moment she felt a stir of joy in her chest,
At last he would put her toil to rest.
But he placed the blade on the sweat-stained sheets,
And slowly waited for the temptation to overwhelm.
The passionless love that had faded so long ago
Failed to persuade her to life
Existing only as empty memories
Of forgotten hands and biting sighs.
His meaningless smile stayed engrained
Until the gesture seemed to haunt.
The black eyes looked past her,
This moment of no consequence to the terrible, blighted angel.
So slowly, numbly she carved out her heart,
Bled out her soul,
Killed the love that had ceased to exist,
And died in the watch of her protector, her heart lying in front of him.
Retreating from his spot,
He left the dead to bury its own."
So yeah, this whole weekend has been really good and really bad.
I bet not one of them could have seen through the lie =/ I really cried for the first time in a long time.
Here is the quote, from Love, Save the Empty- Erin McCarley
"Sad boy, you stare up at the sky when no one's looking back at you. You wear your every last disguise; you're flying, then you fall through. Again, the false affection. Again, you're breaking inside. Love save the empty."
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Love Like Winter
It's ironic-
I finally like the person I am. I mean, there is still a part of me that wants to lose weight and have clearer skin and be a better person and all that. But I really do like who I am.
And I have no one to share it with.
I feel like I have all these people around me and for some reason it makes me feel that much more isolated.
I know that probably sounds dumb, I don't know.
Anyways, here is a quote from Anberlin's "There is No Mathematics to Love and Loss"
"Where does one start to pick up the pieces of a gasoline heart? Words lost their meanings long ago."
I finally like the person I am. I mean, there is still a part of me that wants to lose weight and have clearer skin and be a better person and all that. But I really do like who I am.
And I have no one to share it with.
I feel like I have all these people around me and for some reason it makes me feel that much more isolated.
I know that probably sounds dumb, I don't know.
Anyways, here is a quote from Anberlin's "There is No Mathematics to Love and Loss"
"Where does one start to pick up the pieces of a gasoline heart? Words lost their meanings long ago."
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Youth of the Nation
Why does everything have to be complicated? I feel like I'm wasting away in this house. I've learned a lot but I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I'm some stranger to almost everyone.
I miss the semblance of normal. I mean, I'm a seventeen year old that stays at home and takes care of a baby and works, and the rest of my time I feel like I don't have the energy or drive to do anything else. I don't know how to take on the responsibility of taking care of Bella. And I'm scared that I won't be able to go to WCU, and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. Because I can't be here anymore. I need something new.
I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't know how to accomplish them. They seem like foolish aspirations.
And to be honest, I'm conflicted about whats wrong or right. Should I try to be friends like I want? Or is it even worth the risk of rejection? Because I don't know if I can take that. Do I even have anything to offer?
Why do I feel such a strong pull? Is there even a reason? Do I give into it or fight it?
And how? How do I stay away? How do I come close?
I don't even know you anymore. I try to pretend that I do, that I just know the way you work, the way your heart works, your thoughts, your feelings. But I don't. You're the stranger that I've been closest to. It's just like you don't know who I am. Like I said, very few do. We don't know each other anymore.
And there has been another person thats usually not too present on my mind. He just pisses me off so so so much. He is self-serving, self-obsessed, cruel, insulting, and basically just a complete jerk. Please, I don't care if everyone else thinks you're hilarious. I don't think you're funny. At all. You are mean. You tear other people down in order to feel better about yourself, to climb up to some higher level of pride. And just so you know, I am not stupid. I may not have been driven in the couple of months you saw me at school. But I am not- in any way, shape, or form- stupid. So get down off your high horse, and if you think that I am too dumb to realize that you're making fun of me, then you are wrong. So stop pretending that we are buddies. And please stop with your "holier-than-thou" attitude. You are a hypocrite and I'm tired of dealing quietly with your endless comments and looks. It's really just getting to be absolutely annoying. And you may think you're cool, but I will tell you right now, anyone that treats people the way you do, is not cool, and unless you start considering other peoples feelings that aren't you're own, you will be living a lonely, pretended life. I may only have one close friend here in North Carolina, but I feel sorry for you. Because I can't imagine being miserable enough that I would go around putting other people down. So leave me alone. Just freaking leave me alone.
End of rant, sorry. Ughhhhh. I just get so mad.
Anyways, I got my SATs back yesterday and they're good, or at least I think they are. I got two 650s in reading and math and a 590 in wrting. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
This year I'm going to eliminate the pictures, because they took so long to find and all, but I'll still have my quote. Sister Olay gave me this one and told me to show other people who I really am, its a quote by Fanny Brice.
"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"
I miss the semblance of normal. I mean, I'm a seventeen year old that stays at home and takes care of a baby and works, and the rest of my time I feel like I don't have the energy or drive to do anything else. I don't know how to take on the responsibility of taking care of Bella. And I'm scared that I won't be able to go to WCU, and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. Because I can't be here anymore. I need something new.
I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't know how to accomplish them. They seem like foolish aspirations.
And to be honest, I'm conflicted about whats wrong or right. Should I try to be friends like I want? Or is it even worth the risk of rejection? Because I don't know if I can take that. Do I even have anything to offer?
Why do I feel such a strong pull? Is there even a reason? Do I give into it or fight it?
And how? How do I stay away? How do I come close?
I don't even know you anymore. I try to pretend that I do, that I just know the way you work, the way your heart works, your thoughts, your feelings. But I don't. You're the stranger that I've been closest to. It's just like you don't know who I am. Like I said, very few do. We don't know each other anymore.
And there has been another person thats usually not too present on my mind. He just pisses me off so so so much. He is self-serving, self-obsessed, cruel, insulting, and basically just a complete jerk. Please, I don't care if everyone else thinks you're hilarious. I don't think you're funny. At all. You are mean. You tear other people down in order to feel better about yourself, to climb up to some higher level of pride. And just so you know, I am not stupid. I may not have been driven in the couple of months you saw me at school. But I am not- in any way, shape, or form- stupid. So get down off your high horse, and if you think that I am too dumb to realize that you're making fun of me, then you are wrong. So stop pretending that we are buddies. And please stop with your "holier-than-thou" attitude. You are a hypocrite and I'm tired of dealing quietly with your endless comments and looks. It's really just getting to be absolutely annoying. And you may think you're cool, but I will tell you right now, anyone that treats people the way you do, is not cool, and unless you start considering other peoples feelings that aren't you're own, you will be living a lonely, pretended life. I may only have one close friend here in North Carolina, but I feel sorry for you. Because I can't imagine being miserable enough that I would go around putting other people down. So leave me alone. Just freaking leave me alone.
End of rant, sorry. Ughhhhh. I just get so mad.
Anyways, I got my SATs back yesterday and they're good, or at least I think they are. I got two 650s in reading and math and a 590 in wrting. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
This year I'm going to eliminate the pictures, because they took so long to find and all, but I'll still have my quote. Sister Olay gave me this one and told me to show other people who I really am, its a quote by Fanny Brice.
"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"
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