Your star

I hate going to bed with my head all messed up. Thoughts tangled, sheets tossed, eyes shut, chest tight, trying to block it out. But it's there. And it keeps me awake even when I'm so very desperate to drift away.

So Close

Oh how I've been thinking so much lately. Especially today, hence this post. Please bear with me (whoever is out there?) as I attempt to make some sort of sense of my muddled thoughts.

I've been feeling uneasy a lot and probably a little more restless than I usually am. I just feel like I do so little now. Go to work, be with friends, clean my room, take care of Bella. Mainly, I just want to be at school- I feel some crazy urge to learn and study- to move forward- but I'm stuck and it's maddening. The mind is meant to be enlightened, we're meant to progress. I see everyone around me going to school and learning, honing whatever skills are crucial to their future. Sometimes its hard to imagine mine. What do I even want to do? I think I want something, and then I just don't. I'm going to start reading my old textbooks soon if this doesn't improve.

But I really shouldn't complain, I have so many good things, and I've been so much happier recently and consistantly, than I can remember being in a while. It's nice to have people around me; to feel wanted. It's nice to know that there are arms that will welcome you. Arms to hold you. So few people ever feel that. So few people have known the blessings that I've been given. I don't know, I feel ungrateful for even having that sad feeling in my stomach and my head. It doesn't belong here in my string of happy events. But of course I don't blog unless I'm sad most times, unfortunate as that is.

I don't really even fully know why I feel the way I do. It largely has to do with a great book I just finished, Looking for Alaska. I read it cover to cover today. Amazing book. Definitely makes it into my top. And I can't shake the feelings of discontent it gave me. Let's see.. here's a quote that summed it up nicely: "That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him the world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without." That's the feeling I have, and I don't understand it. But in the book, he talks about forgiveness and how forgiving, and understanding that we are forgiven as well is the only way to escape the "labyrinth of suffering," and that somehow we never fully die. That we cannot fail because we are greater than the sum of our parts. I know I'm just randomly throwing things out, but I just feel so affected and I don't know how to fully explain or even comprehend how I feel. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness myself.

Restless and searching for something unknown. But that's just life I suppose- looking for the "Great Perhaps."

I feel like there's more that I should write, but I just don't know what to say. Today's quote is from Little Hotel - Modest Mouse

"I know that I don't want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry."

Until

I won't even go into my routine "I haven't blogged in ages" speech, it's just obviously been long time. But honestly I haven't had a lot to blog about, not a whole lot of huge feelings at least. And not until this month. I dedicated all of November to writing a first draft of a novel, which I am proud to say is currently at 50, 393 words; I just have a lot of stuff to edit and add now. I love the story, and any feelings I was having in November, I got to write out in my story. It was rejuvenating, and I really want to start dedicating a lot of time to my writing. Ali writes constantly and that's how she's gotten so good. Anyway, that and working at Harris Teeter and school work has been taking up almost all of my time. (By the way, I am DONE with school!)

But I figured I should blog with everything that I'm feeling tonight. It's a strange, bittersweet emotion that's filling me up. First of all, let me just say that this year my Christmas was wonderful. My family is getting along great and I love them with all my heart. I can feel Christ's presence in my life again and I'm working towards gaining a better relationship with Him and my Heavenly Father. It's difficult, I won't lie. But that light in my life is something that I need.

So it really isn't my own life that has been weighing heavily on my mind. It's the people around me. Everyone is going through an awful, awful time. Family after family after family is struggling and in pain and being ripped apart. It's the families that are being attacked and it hurts my heart to think about it. Especially since they are people that I know and love so very much.

There is such a great amount of death and pain and sadness. I know that it is a part of life; I guess I just worry too much. I try to be an optimist, but sometimes when I'm alone with just my own thoughts, it's hard to think like that.

My dad is over in rural Angola for the next 11 months as I mentioned a couple entries ago, back before I knew the details. We've been keeping in touch through email and it's been nice. Ali and I got to go on vacation with our Texas family right before Thanksgiving, and I loved that. I really hope that we get to keep in better touch with them. I worry about Daddy Wayne a lot with him being over there. I know he's okay, but I can't help but think about it. And think about the poor people that live over there where he is at; he says it's an awfully impoverished place.

But I don't want to talk about that anymore =/

Let's see, in the love department (I always have to talk about this stuff) things have actually changed quite a bit. It wouldn't seem like it, but there's been a significant change in me. As you would know if you ever read this blog, there has been someone who I've hopelessly wanted to be with for ages. Like... over 4 years now. And I just don't anymore. I still care and worry for him, and love him with all my heart, but I've gotten over him. Not "done with him" in an angry way or anything. But just, genuinely, I've realized that he's not good for me, and that I'm probably not good for him either. And I came to see that we're never going to be the same people again as much as I wish we would be. I don't feel that insane gravitation towards him, or feel as intensely about him. I never thought that it was true, but I guess time really does heal everything, just sometimes in a slow process. It's odd though- relieving, but at the same time it's left an emptiness.

I don't see myself with anyone now. It used to always be him. And maybe a couple months ago I would have told you that I could see myself with a boyfriend, but I just can't anymore. I won't go over it again, but I want so very much for someone to understand and take care of me. And I genuinely don't see myself ever opening up like that again. I've so carefully laid up a wall that I can't take down anymore. For some reason I don't completely understand, I burst out in tears today when a love song came on. (Which is not usual; I really don't remember the last time I'd cried before that.)

It's become a game without me realizing that it's happened. I talk to guys just long enough to see if I can win them over. Doesn't matter if their cute or whatever. But I don't like them and it's unfair. I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm getting texts and calls and having to avoid. I hate myself for it sometimes and I have to quit. It's mean.

But, in happier news, everyone is home for break. And I'm so grateful for it. It's so nice to have us all together. Being with Lindsay and Sarah and Emma and Katie makes me feel a little more like a teenager and a lot more loved. As long as I have them, I have no reason to complain.

I am extremely blessed to have the life that I do, and I don't want to create the illusion on here that I don't think that. Because I know I have a wonderful life. Everyone has to live with struggles and doubts. It's just how we learn to deal I guess.

Well, goodnight. It's 3am and I need some rest. Quote tonight is from "Little Death" by +44.

"And every night our lonely planet slides across the universe. And I won't pretend I understand."

Where the Birds Always Sing

Well, I'm back sooner than I thought I would be- this will be short though. The weekend kind of got worse last night, and, to put it in Ali's words, I "got everything that was coming" to me. I think that I could have rounded up a firing squad of people that I've hurt. Blah. Anyway, tonight's another lonely one, I'm missing a few people right now- three people to be exact. All of them much too far out of my reach- in more than one way.

I wish I was going away to college in the spring. I wish I was even able to go to a university then. But I made my own bed. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I just want to make sure I'm not missing out on life.

I wish that love could just be love, and anger could be anger, and joy could be joy. I wish that regrets could be dealt with and memories could stay as simply memories. I wish that truth would always win out and being yourself could always be as simple as it should be. I wish there weren't reasons to cover emotions and that sadness could be accepted as just that. I wish that nostalgia could be easier to deal with. I wish that dreams of the past didn't exist as a constant reminder. I wish this world was a better place. I wish there was a way to ease everyone's pain.

Anyway, I've gone into rambling mode, so I'll quit that.

I've just been thinking recently, I really want to be a worthwhile person, you know? I want to be interesting and worthy of love and full of life and joy. I want to be someone who is deserving of real love. And I guess that's why it's been so long since I've had someone who cared about me for me and who I was able to open to, because I'm just not there. Who cares about this home-schooled girl who left school because of lack of confidence and has spent the last year and a half wasting time and hiding her heart? What is there for people to get to know about me? I can flirt, but what's beneath that? I'm not even sure if I know anymore. And this isn't who I want to be. I want to be happy and loving and capable and talented and beautiful. And I'm not. No one can love a shell, and a shell isn't capable of loving either. And maybe that's part of the problem, no one needs me anymore; I have always felt like I needed to protect and help my friends. And they just don't need me anymore and I think it's taken away part of me. I don't know. It's late and I'm probably just thinking too much. This is probably one of those times where self-reflection isn't in my best interest.

I Keep My Secrets Safe

It's been a long time since I've written- I've started a journal now so I haven't needed to write as much. But today has just been a pretty awful day and I honestly just need someone to talk to. Sarah and her boyfriend just broke up so I definitely can't complain to her, and my mom is incredibly stressed out about her new job. And I don't know, I hate calling up people to whine. I hate being weak. I want to be okay and be strong. I mean, things aren't really that bad at all, it's just been a bad day.

I found out last night that my dad (the biological one) is taking a job in a rough part of Africa. I don't know all the details yet. And I know it sounds dumb considering I've only seen him twice in the past four years, but it's still scary. I do love him, and I'm worried for him. And I'm worried for my mom with this new job... she's going to be working a lot and I don't want this to be like her old job at MMG. I mean, she'll be making a lot more money, but I'm scared for her. It's going to be a big change. And I'm worried about Sarah and Emma and the respective problems that they're dealing with. And it's all a little overwhelming, because there's nothing I can do.

Things have just been so weird lately. I'm working a lot, and I like my job, but I'm also not going anywhere with my schoolwork. I mean, I could get done half a course in a week over the summer when I had time to sit down and do it. But I guess I feel so unmotivated. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to make a difference, and I want to be happy. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm thinking I may just stay here and go to CPCC until next fall. Which I hate, because I know that I can do better. I know that I'm not living up to my potential. But I guess it's mostly fear. And now I feel like I've trapped myself with no other options. But it's only a year, and I can live with that.

But all that isn't even what's been getting me so down all day, that's more of the icing on the cake type thing- or whatever the negative equivalent to that metaphor is. I feel so lost, like I don't belong in my own skin. I don't feel like myself, and I've felt really lonely lately. I keep on talking to/dating these guys, and every time it's the same. In the beginning I get really excited and think things are going to be great. 2 weeks in and it's done. I lose all interest. It's draining me and I don't even want to deal with guys anymore. I'm just done with having to go through the same disappointment every time when it's just not there. And I hate leading them on. I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to keep hurting myself. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is there no one out there that's even close to right for me? I know I'm only 18, but I haven't had actual feelings in a relationship in a long time. I get so mad at myself, and I don't know how to fix it. And now that Sarah and Emma are gone, I don't have anyone here that I'm real friends with. I haven't just "hung out" with someone since they left. It's always with some guy, and I'm tired of it. And I hate that these guys think they really like me and are into me- and they don't even know me! They don't even bother to get to know me. I don't even know the last time that someone actually liked me for me. But that's probably my fault too. I don't know how to open up to people anymore. I don't even know if I want anyone close to me anymore. I feel so lost.

I wish I could just go back, you know? To change things, or relive them, or whatever. But I guess that's the whole point, I can only move forward, and if I keep trying to go back, I'll just keep making the same mistakes like I've been doing for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to drive myself over the edge you know- go crazy, make lots of new mistakes, not do the right thing for once, but I can't make myself do it. I don't want to, it's not who I am. I just wish I had a friend here to lean on =/ Someone who knows me. But I guess I've said that a few times already. It's late, I should probably go, I'm really just rambling now. I just don't want to go to bed with this sad feeling in my chest.

Goodnight; tonight's quote is from Heart's a Mess by Gotye.

"You have lost too much, love, to fear, doubt, and distrust- It's not enough. You just threw away the key to your heart."

Addicted to Love

Well it's only been three weeks and already so much has changed. Time seems to pull everything apart, constantly reaping and sewing, leaving us all unsure of what the end product will be.

I won't be leaving for Western Carolina until January... Which I thought could be a good thing, but I'm not thinking that so much anymore. I'll be staying here and working and trying to do all that I can. I don't know. It will definitely be hard to watch Emma and Sarah leave. I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, I will. But still. I love them both so much, and I hate to be lonely.

And of course I worry. I worry so much about them. About if they're going to be okay, I don't like feeling displaced when people need me. That's what shoves wedges between me and people. I can't stand the thought of it, so I pull away. And it's hard to reconnect after the distance. And it gets harder every time. I don't know if that makes much sense really.

Tonight I finished reading The Host, it was my second time. I love it. It's my favorite book. It never fails to make me sad though; the way that she has wandered for so long and finally finds a place where she belongs and is loved. And all of the overwhelming compassion they feel for each other, and those dynamics. After it's over, it always leaves me empty. For hours I can get lost in this world where someone can find a home, and even through the longing and desperation and sadness, love still comes out on top, and it just fills me up with all the emotion- the good and the bad. And when it's done, it drains me. It's like, all that just leaves. And then it's over. Just, over. All that's left is yearning for something more.

I guess I'm just in a melancholy mood. And mostly beyond words. I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don't know how to.

I just hate that I had something dangled in front of my eyes, the one thing I really want. And for a split second I thought I had it. But the joke is on me. It was snatched away. I feel like I'll never have it.

Ugh. Alright, I'm tired. I should leave. Just let me say that I won't give up hope. One day it will all be right. I will find the things I want, even if I can't actually feel that now. I will force patience and hope.

And, I have a quote from The Host.

"It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it"

Waiting for You

One month and I'm gone. That's it. In one month, I will be sitting in my dorm room at Western Carolina as long as everything goes according to plan.

Taking little trips down memory lane probably isn't the best thing for me, but oh well. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me terribly sad. Things have changed so much but I just can't find the significance of it all. I know it's there, but in the past year so little has changed, except me. The things that did happen, feel surreal. But maybe thats just a way to deal. Ah who knows.

I'm getting really frustrated with everything. I've been kind of a grump lately, but I try not to show it too much.

There are just times that I feel totally invisible. I don't understand it. It's like one second it's all there and everything is good, and then it's like you aren't even there. I mean, I can deal with it, and I do. I've gotten to the point these days where I'm pretty strong and things don't upset me like they used to, but it still bothers me. It always bothers me.

And I know I already talked about it, but I'm really worried my birthday is going to suck. I mean, I thought about it today and this year I really want it to be better than the last two. I mean, on my 16th birthday I found out Connor liked Taryn again and I spent the whole day pretty much just being sad. And then my 17th I went to a church dance, which was even worse. The dance was terrible and the night ended with Emma and Sarah both being super sad. I got some cute clothes though, so that was a plus.

But I really want this one to not suck. And if we go to the concert, I don't think it will. But still, I don't know if it we'll actually be able to go. Just turning eighteen in general will kind of stink in its own way.

And I guess to be honest, lately I've just been jealous. I've tried so hard not to be, but I am. Emma fell in love with this amazing guy this year and he loves her and she gets that whole amazing experience, and she's just such a great person. And Sarah, everyone loves Sarah. I mean, she is just infectious and makes people fall in love with her. Guys fall all over her. And it's hard for me to watch. I am so proud of her and the fact that she is so great and loveable is part of why she's my best friend, but I can't help but feeling like I'm second rate. It's not that I think badly of myself, but everyone wants to be wanted. And I want that. I want to just feel like someone I want, wants me back. I want to feel at home. I know it's so angsty teenager, but I want that boy. I want one who wants to know, and wants to listen, that I don't have to watch what I say around. I want one who appreciates me and who cares. And if I can't have those things yet, thats okay. But I wish that I had a sign that it was possible. It just seems so farfetched right now.

And I miss talking to one of my friends. A lot. I wish I could call him up now to talk. And I hate that I can't. I hate that everyone around me can go to him about their problems and get a hug and nice words, but that he's the one person that can't be there for me anymore. It sucks you know =/ sometimes it just really, really sucks. Because sometimes he's the one person I need.

Anyways, now that I've gotten all that out, I'd better go. The quote is With Me by Sum 41.

"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt,
Pieces of memories fall to the ground."