Living in the Blue

Your star

2010-02-09T01:22:00.004-05:00

I hate going to bed with my head all messed up. Thoughts tangled, sheets tossed, eyes shut, chest tight, trying to block it out. But it's there. And it keeps me awake even when I'm so very desperate to drift away.

So Close

2010-02-08T20:21:00.002-05:00

Oh how I've been thinking so much lately. Especially today, hence this post. Please bear with me (whoever is out there?) as I attempt to make some sort of sense of my muddled thoughts.

I've been feeling uneasy a lot and probably a little more restless than I usually am. I just feel like I do so little now. Go to work, be with friends, clean my room, take care of Bella. Mainly, I just want to be at school- I feel some crazy urge to learn and study- to move forward- but I'm stuck and it's maddening. The mind is meant to be enlightened, we're meant to progress. I see everyone around me going to school and learning, honing whatever skills are crucial to their future. Sometimes its hard to imagine mine. What do I even want to do? I think I want something, and then I just don't. I'm going to start reading my old textbooks soon if this doesn't improve.

But I really shouldn't complain, I have so many good things, and I've been so much happier recently and consistantly, than I can remember being in a while. It's nice to have people around me; to feel wanted. It's nice to know that there are arms that will welcome you. Arms to hold you. So few people ever feel that. So few people have known the blessings that I've been given. I don't know, I feel ungrateful for even having that sad feeling in my stomach and my head. It doesn't belong here in my string of happy events. But of course I don't blog unless I'm sad most times, unfortunate as that is.

I don't really even fully know why I feel the way I do. It largely has to do with a great book I just finished, Looking for Alaska. I read it cover to cover today. Amazing book. Definitely makes it into my top. And I can't shake the feelings of discontent it gave me. Let's see.. here's a quote that summed it up nicely: "That is the fear: I have lost something important, and I cannot find it, and I need it. It is fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him the world had run out of glasses and he would just have to do without." That's the feeling I have, and I don't understand it. But in the book, he talks about forgiveness and how forgiving, and understanding that we are forgiven as well is the only way to escape the "labyrinth of suffering," and that somehow we never fully die. That we cannot fail because we are greater than the sum of our parts. I know I'm just randomly throwing things out, but I just feel so affected and I don't know how to fully explain or even comprehend how I feel. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness myself.

Restless and searching for something unknown. But that's just life I suppose- looking for the "Great Perhaps."

I feel like there's more that I should write, but I just don't know what to say. Today's quote is from Little Hotel - Modest Mouse

"I know that I don't want to be out to drift. Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and I'm very sorry."

Until

2009-12-26T02:21:00.003-05:00

I won't even go into my routine "I haven't blogged in ages" speech, it's just obviously been long time. But honestly I haven't had a lot to blog about, not a whole lot of huge feelings at least. And not until this month. I dedicated all of November to writing a first draft of a novel, which I am proud to say is currently at 50, 393 words; I just have a lot of stuff to edit and add now. I love the story, and any feelings I was having in November, I got to write out in my story. It was rejuvenating, and I really want to start dedicating a lot of time to my writing. Ali writes constantly and that's how she's gotten so good. Anyway, that and working at Harris Teeter and school work has been taking up almost all of my time. (By the way, I am DONE with school!)

But I figured I should blog with everything that I'm feeling tonight. It's a strange, bittersweet emotion that's filling me up. First of all, let me just say that this year my Christmas was wonderful. My family is getting along great and I love them with all my heart. I can feel Christ's presence in my life again and I'm working towards gaining a better relationship with Him and my Heavenly Father. It's difficult, I won't lie. But that light in my life is something that I need.

So it really isn't my own life that has been weighing heavily on my mind. It's the people around me. Everyone is going through an awful, awful time. Family after family after family is struggling and in pain and being ripped apart. It's the families that are being attacked and it hurts my heart to think about it. Especially since they are people that I know and love so very much.

There is such a great amount of death and pain and sadness. I know that it is a part of life; I guess I just worry too much. I try to be an optimist, but sometimes when I'm alone with just my own thoughts, it's hard to think like that.

My dad is over in rural Angola for the next 11 months as I mentioned a couple entries ago, back before I knew the details. We've been keeping in touch through email and it's been nice. Ali and I got to go on vacation with our Texas family right before Thanksgiving, and I loved that. I really hope that we get to keep in better touch with them. I worry about Daddy Wayne a lot with him being over there. I know he's okay, but I can't help but think about it. And think about the poor people that live over there where he is at; he says it's an awfully impoverished place.

But I don't want to talk about that anymore =/

Let's see, in the love department (I always have to talk about this stuff) things have actually changed quite a bit. It wouldn't seem like it, but there's been a significant change in me. As you would know if you ever read this blog, there has been someone who I've hopelessly wanted to be with for ages. Like... over 4 years now. And I just don't anymore. I still care and worry for him, and love him with all my heart, but I've gotten over him. Not "done with him" in an angry way or anything. But just, genuinely, I've realized that he's not good for me, and that I'm probably not good for him either. And I came to see that we're never going to be the same people again as much as I wish we would be. I don't feel that insane gravitation towards him, or feel as intensely about him. I never thought that it was true, but I guess time really does heal everything, just sometimes in a slow process. It's odd though- relieving, but at the same time it's left an emptiness.

I don't see myself with anyone now. It used to always be him. And maybe a couple months ago I would have told you that I could see myself with a boyfriend, but I just can't anymore. I won't go over it again, but I want so very much for someone to understand and take care of me. And I genuinely don't see myself ever opening up like that again. I've so carefully laid up a wall that I can't take down anymore. For some reason I don't completely understand, I burst out in tears today when a love song came on. (Which is not usual; I really don't remember the last time I'd cried before that.)

It's become a game without me realizing that it's happened. I talk to guys just long enough to see if I can win them over. Doesn't matter if their cute or whatever. But I don't like them and it's unfair. I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm getting texts and calls and having to avoid. I hate myself for it sometimes and I have to quit. It's mean.

But, in happier news, everyone is home for break. And I'm so grateful for it. It's so nice to have us all together. Being with Lindsay and Sarah and Emma and Katie makes me feel a little more like a teenager and a lot more loved. As long as I have them, I have no reason to complain.

I am extremely blessed to have the life that I do, and I don't want to create the illusion on here that I don't think that. Because I know I have a wonderful life. Everyone has to live with struggles and doubts. It's just how we learn to deal I guess.

Well, goodnight. It's 3am and I need some rest. Quote tonight is from "Little Death" by +44.

"And every night our lonely planet slides across the universe. And I won't pretend I understand."

Where the Birds Always Sing

2009-10-06T00:59:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm back sooner than I thought I would be- this will be short though. The weekend kind of got worse last night, and, to put it in Ali's words, I "got everything that was coming" to me. I think that I could have rounded up a firing squad of people that I've hurt. Blah. Anyway, tonight's another lonely one, I'm missing a few people right now- three people to be exact. All of them much too far out of my reach- in more than one way.

I wish I was going away to college in the spring. I wish I was even able to go to a university then. But I made my own bed. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I just want to make sure I'm not missing out on life.

I wish that love could just be love, and anger could be anger, and joy could be joy. I wish that regrets could be dealt with and memories could stay as simply memories. I wish that truth would always win out and being yourself could always be as simple as it should be. I wish there weren't reasons to cover emotions and that sadness could be accepted as just that. I wish that nostalgia could be easier to deal with. I wish that dreams of the past didn't exist as a constant reminder. I wish this world was a better place. I wish there was a way to ease everyone's pain.

Anyway, I've gone into rambling mode, so I'll quit that.

I've just been thinking recently, I really want to be a worthwhile person, you know? I want to be interesting and worthy of love and full of life and joy. I want to be someone who is deserving of real love. And I guess that's why it's been so long since I've had someone who cared about me for me and who I was able to open to, because I'm just not there. Who cares about this home-schooled girl who left school because of lack of confidence and has spent the last year and a half wasting time and hiding her heart? What is there for people to get to know about me? I can flirt, but what's beneath that? I'm not even sure if I know anymore. And this isn't who I want to be. I want to be happy and loving and capable and talented and beautiful. And I'm not. No one can love a shell, and a shell isn't capable of loving either. And maybe that's part of the problem, no one needs me anymore; I have always felt like I needed to protect and help my friends. And they just don't need me anymore and I think it's taken away part of me. I don't know. It's late and I'm probably just thinking too much. This is probably one of those times where self-reflection isn't in my best interest.

I Keep My Secrets Safe

2009-10-04T02:15:00.005-04:00

It's been a long time since I've written- I've started a journal now so I haven't needed to write as much. But today has just been a pretty awful day and I honestly just need someone to talk to. Sarah and her boyfriend just broke up so I definitely can't complain to her, and my mom is incredibly stressed out about her new job. And I don't know, I hate calling up people to whine. I hate being weak. I want to be okay and be strong. I mean, things aren't really that bad at all, it's just been a bad day.

I found out last night that my dad (the biological one) is taking a job in a rough part of Africa. I don't know all the details yet. And I know it sounds dumb considering I've only seen him twice in the past four years, but it's still scary. I do love him, and I'm worried for him. And I'm worried for my mom with this new job... she's going to be working a lot and I don't want this to be like her old job at MMG. I mean, she'll be making a lot more money, but I'm scared for her. It's going to be a big change. And I'm worried about Sarah and Emma and the respective problems that they're dealing with. And it's all a little overwhelming, because there's nothing I can do.

Things have just been so weird lately. I'm working a lot, and I like my job, but I'm also not going anywhere with my schoolwork. I mean, I could get done half a course in a week over the summer when I had time to sit down and do it. But I guess I feel so unmotivated. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, I want to make a difference, and I want to be happy. But beyond that, I don't know. I'm thinking I may just stay here and go to CPCC until next fall. Which I hate, because I know that I can do better. I know that I'm not living up to my potential. But I guess it's mostly fear. And now I feel like I've trapped myself with no other options. But it's only a year, and I can live with that.

But all that isn't even what's been getting me so down all day, that's more of the icing on the cake type thing- or whatever the negative equivalent to that metaphor is. I feel so lost, like I don't belong in my own skin. I don't feel like myself, and I've felt really lonely lately. I keep on talking to/dating these guys, and every time it's the same. In the beginning I get really excited and think things are going to be great. 2 weeks in and it's done. I lose all interest. It's draining me and I don't even want to deal with guys anymore. I'm just done with having to go through the same disappointment every time when it's just not there. And I hate leading them on. I don't want to hurt people. And I don't want to keep hurting myself. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Is there no one out there that's even close to right for me? I know I'm only 18, but I haven't had actual feelings in a relationship in a long time. I get so mad at myself, and I don't know how to fix it. And now that Sarah and Emma are gone, I don't have anyone here that I'm real friends with. I haven't just "hung out" with someone since they left. It's always with some guy, and I'm tired of it. And I hate that these guys think they really like me and are into me- and they don't even know me! They don't even bother to get to know me. I don't even know the last time that someone actually liked me for me. But that's probably my fault too. I don't know how to open up to people anymore. I don't even know if I want anyone close to me anymore. I feel so lost.

I wish I could just go back, you know? To change things, or relive them, or whatever. But I guess that's the whole point, I can only move forward, and if I keep trying to go back, I'll just keep making the same mistakes like I've been doing for a long time now. Sometimes I just want to drive myself over the edge you know- go crazy, make lots of new mistakes, not do the right thing for once, but I can't make myself do it. I don't want to, it's not who I am. I just wish I had a friend here to lean on =/ Someone who knows me. But I guess I've said that a few times already. It's late, I should probably go, I'm really just rambling now. I just don't want to go to bed with this sad feeling in my chest.

Goodnight; tonight's quote is from Heart's a Mess by Gotye.

"You have lost too much, love, to fear, doubt, and distrust- It's not enough. You just threw away the key to your heart."

Addicted to Love

2009-08-09T21:47:00.003-04:00

Well it's only been three weeks and already so much has changed. Time seems to pull everything apart, constantly reaping and sewing, leaving us all unsure of what the end product will be.

I won't be leaving for Western Carolina until January... Which I thought could be a good thing, but I'm not thinking that so much anymore. I'll be staying here and working and trying to do all that I can. I don't know. It will definitely be hard to watch Emma and Sarah leave. I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, I will. But still. I love them both so much, and I hate to be lonely.

And of course I worry. I worry so much about them. About if they're going to be okay, I don't like feeling displaced when people need me. That's what shoves wedges between me and people. I can't stand the thought of it, so I pull away. And it's hard to reconnect after the distance. And it gets harder every time. I don't know if that makes much sense really.

Tonight I finished reading The Host, it was my second time. I love it. It's my favorite book. It never fails to make me sad though; the way that she has wandered for so long and finally finds a place where she belongs and is loved. And all of the overwhelming compassion they feel for each other, and those dynamics. After it's over, it always leaves me empty. For hours I can get lost in this world where someone can find a home, and even through the longing and desperation and sadness, love still comes out on top, and it just fills me up with all the emotion- the good and the bad. And when it's done, it drains me. It's like, all that just leaves. And then it's over. Just, over. All that's left is yearning for something more.

I guess I'm just in a melancholy mood. And mostly beyond words. I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don't know how to.

I just hate that I had something dangled in front of my eyes, the one thing I really want. And for a split second I thought I had it. But the joke is on me. It was snatched away. I feel like I'll never have it.

Ugh. Alright, I'm tired. I should leave. Just let me say that I won't give up hope. One day it will all be right. I will find the things I want, even if I can't actually feel that now. I will force patience and hope.

And, I have a quote from The Host.

"It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in that body, but the things you do with it"

Waiting for You

2009-07-22T23:27:00.003-04:00

One month and I'm gone. That's it. In one month, I will be sitting in my dorm room at Western Carolina as long as everything goes according to plan.

Taking little trips down memory lane probably isn't the best thing for me, but oh well. Sometimes it just happens. It makes me terribly sad. Things have changed so much but I just can't find the significance of it all. I know it's there, but in the past year so little has changed, except me. The things that did happen, feel surreal. But maybe thats just a way to deal. Ah who knows.

I'm getting really frustrated with everything. I've been kind of a grump lately, but I try not to show it too much.

There are just times that I feel totally invisible. I don't understand it. It's like one second it's all there and everything is good, and then it's like you aren't even there. I mean, I can deal with it, and I do. I've gotten to the point these days where I'm pretty strong and things don't upset me like they used to, but it still bothers me. It always bothers me.

And I know I already talked about it, but I'm really worried my birthday is going to suck. I mean, I thought about it today and this year I really want it to be better than the last two. I mean, on my 16th birthday I found out Connor liked Taryn again and I spent the whole day pretty much just being sad. And then my 17th I went to a church dance, which was even worse. The dance was terrible and the night ended with Emma and Sarah both being super sad. I got some cute clothes though, so that was a plus.

But I really want this one to not suck. And if we go to the concert, I don't think it will. But still, I don't know if it we'll actually be able to go. Just turning eighteen in general will kind of stink in its own way.

And I guess to be honest, lately I've just been jealous. I've tried so hard not to be, but I am. Emma fell in love with this amazing guy this year and he loves her and she gets that whole amazing experience, and she's just such a great person. And Sarah, everyone loves Sarah. I mean, she is just infectious and makes people fall in love with her. Guys fall all over her. And it's hard for me to watch. I am so proud of her and the fact that she is so great and loveable is part of why she's my best friend, but I can't help but feeling like I'm second rate. It's not that I think badly of myself, but everyone wants to be wanted. And I want that. I want to just feel like someone I want, wants me back. I want to feel at home. I know it's so angsty teenager, but I want that boy. I want one who wants to know, and wants to listen, that I don't have to watch what I say around. I want one who appreciates me and who cares. And if I can't have those things yet, thats okay. But I wish that I had a sign that it was possible. It just seems so farfetched right now.

And I miss talking to one of my friends. A lot. I wish I could call him up now to talk. And I hate that I can't. I hate that everyone around me can go to him about their problems and get a hug and nice words, but that he's the one person that can't be there for me anymore. It sucks you know =/ sometimes it just really, really sucks. Because sometimes he's the one person I need.

Anyways, now that I've gotten all that out, I'd better go. The quote is With Me by Sum 41.

"Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt,
Pieces of memories fall to the ground."

Everlasting Friend

2009-07-18T03:33:00.002-04:00

So, I feel like a lot has happened in the past month and a half, and I've been majorly slacking with my entries. Hopefully I'll get a little better. I know that I'm going to forget half of what I wanted to say.

Tonight I started writing again. I'm close to 13,000 words now, and no one has read any of it. I wish that I could find someone to. Someone that would actually be honest. And someone I could trust with my words. I really like the story, but then again, I'm kind of attached to it.

Anyways, I'm going to school in the fall and I'm scared out of my mind. Why are big changes like this the things that I want and yet I'm most terrified of them? I guess I just feel like I'm walking into unknown territory. Sure, things around here aren't really great, but at least I know how to handle it. Sucky Harrisburg is something that I'm used to, I can deal with it. New and exciting WCU, on the other hand, is terrifying. Also, all the school work I have left is sending me into major stressing.

I am so very glad I'm leaving though, in spite of my fears, there's nothing left here for me except my family.

Lately I've been kind of down on myself. I acted in a way that I'm not proud of. I showed a side of me to someone that I should have kept to myself, I want to be good and be an example. I'm a little ashamed. I should be helping and encouraging, not adapting to be what's wanted. Even the good guys want girls to be a certain way, and I don't want to be that. I want to be good. I want to influence others to be good.

I feel a little distant from everyone these days, even with both Emma and Sarah being around more often. I guess it's part of growing up. Things change. It makes me sad though, I wish I could change it.

And lately I've been really anxious to have a conversation with one of my friends that I should have had at the beginning of the summer. It needs to be said. I want to prove to myself that I can be brave. And I'm going to. I already know that things won't turn out good, but it needs to be done.

I know I'm not being very eloquent, but it's almost four in the morning and I can't really think straight. I knew though that if I didn't post something now, I wouldn't later.

Also, my birthday is less than a month away. It makes me a little sad. I was going to do something for it, but I think I've changed my mind. I think Emma, Sarah, and I are going to go to a concert, and I'll see how many people actually notice that it's my bday. I know, self-pity. But I'm allowed a little, right? It's just that after my past two birthdays (esp the last one haha), I don't really have high hopes for this year. We'll see.

So, last thing, I went to my dad(the one in texas)'s house for this first time in three years. I would write a lot about it, but I'm about to fall asleep. But I'll just say that I wish I'd done it a while ago. Ah, then again, I might not have been ready then. Anyways, seeing Kenzi and Riley was great, and so was seeing my dad and Sandi. I want to be so much closer to all of them, it seems so impossible though. If I can hardly keep close with the people around here, how am I supposed to manage it with them being in Texas? And it's tough to have two families that you feel responsible to. But I do have two. And that's what counts, do I'll just have to deal. It's weird though. It's all weird.

Alright, I know I'm not making any sense so I'm going to just close with a quote from Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie.

"And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap."

Cross Me Off Your List

2009-06-04T07:07:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm blogging sooner than I thought I would be. But I guess I've got more stuff to ramble on about.

So, last night Olivia went to church with us. And it was so odd, but I got really jealous; it took me a while to figure out why, but then it hit me. I didn't really care (that much, haha) that she was flirting with all the guys, or even that she was wearing my clothes while she did it. But what it truly, honestly, was, was that Olivia, in one night, managed to feel more at home at my church, than I've felt in almost a year.

I just feel like something old and used up that no one cares about anymore, I'm just old news- something to be overlooked. I don't remember what it feels like anymore to have real friends there, and to feel like someone actually wants me around, instead of just tolerating me being around. And that's where I get to the idea of wanting to change, like I talked about in my last post.

And most of all, I hate that I care so much about this. I hate that it messes me up just thinking about how I don't feel like I belong there anymore. And I know that I've talked about this before, but I can't get it out of my head. Every time I'm there I just feel like a stranger. I feel like no one likes me, or they just don't care enough to go either way.

I don't know what happened, which is one of the hardest parts of it. It's just like, one day everything was great, and then suddenly, it was all gone. And now it's so hard to go to church. I know that's terrible to say, because I really don't want people to affect my attendance, but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'm just lonely. Not depressed or anything, just lonely. And worried.

I don't know, I'm such a whiner. A whiner with no friends.

You know, it's weird. I typed "haha" at the end of that last sentence and then thought better of it. And I do it a lot. I type haha and act like it's funny, when, in all reality, it isn't at all. I've been doing it for ages, and it needs to stop.

Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of seminary, which is kind of bittersweet. Just like graduation. I had some pretty great times in seminary. None of which happened this year, but the past three years were a lot of fun. It just makes me sad that it's over, and ending this way too.

I just hold tight to the hope that I'll find someone I love, that loves me for me. Because I can't be a Sarah, or an Emma, or an Olivia, or an Ali. I can only be Tori. And I just worry that it won't ever be enough for someone.

Okay, before this pity party gets any worse, I'm going to end. Quote is from Rest In Pieces- Saliva

"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again, cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did- it has not healed with time- it just shot down my spine. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"

Be Be Your Love

2009-05-30T02:43:00.004-04:00

So I wasn't going to post any more on this blog. At all. But to be honest, I'm very attached to it now that I've been writing in it for over a year. I came back to it the first time today because I feel like I really need someone to talk to and it's almost 3am and I wouldn't know who to go to. And if you haven't guessed already, I'm one of those people who have to get out what they're feeling. I don't often ask for advice, most times I just want to talk and get a hug. I guess I'll have to get a raincheck on the hug considering that, as far as I know, blogs cannot help with that haha.

Anyway,its been quite a while since I've posted. But I didn't blog any June last year, so I guess it will have to have been April this year.

It seems like a lot has happened and at the same time not anything at all.

I got accepted into WCU which is really exciting of course, I can't wait to get out of Charlotte and meet new people and just get away. It'll be a good thing.

But at the same time, I'm scared out of my mind. I feel like a stranger to my friends. I mean, I've always been bad at keeping in touch with the people who aren't really close to me, but lately it seems like I'm not close to anyone anymore. I feel really alone sometimes. It's probably just part of human nature to feel that way, but right now I feel like the people around me are strangers.

And then I worry that maybe they didn't change, maybe it was me. Or maybe both. No one can really know I guess.

I mean, but it's not like I'm never happy. I am quite a bit. But it's just never that lightness anymore like I used to be able to feel. I always feel like there is just some kind of hollowness now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't know how to ask for help.

It's just that there's so much that's been going on with my family and they're so preoccupied with all these different dynamics, that I feel like I can't say anything. There's just so much on everyone right now, and I hate feeling weak. I've been the weak, emotional one my entire life, and I'm tired of playing that part.

I'm scared about college too. I'm scared about not being able to be the person Sarah wants me to be. I'm scared that I'll either go crazy, or that I will want to rebel. But not rebel against my parents or anything like that, or the church. But against the people that I feel like don't care about me anymore. Just to show them that they took me for granted, or to destroy the person they liked. I don't know. That part always scares me. And after race weekend, I worry that it will happen.

I think that the reason why I feel so disconnected from everyone though, is because it seems like everyone I love is changing and moving on and growing up, and I think I'm bitter because I feel like I'm still stuck in neutral and I don't know how to get out of it. Which is always why I'm scared that I'll get to the point where I'm willing to do anything to get out of it.

And I don't like my job. And I have 4 courses to finish over the Summer because I thought that time was going to slow down for me.

And I'm going to stop before I go into full pity-party mode. Yet again, I just needed a way to talk/complain.

I'm just scared out of my mind. And I hold in all of this crap and then I just explode. Like Wednesday, I was a wreck. Ali came to talk to me, and she asked if I was alright, and I just broke down and started bawling. I mean, I sucked it up right after and made a joke and went back in and brushed it off like a joke.

But it's really hard being at church now. Really, really hard. I won't go into what all has happened on the off-chance that people still have my blog link, because I'm not going to start spreading business that isn't just mine. I'm just really missing someone though that I shouldn't be missing. And it sounds psychotic even to me, but it's true. And lying about it, would be refusing something that is undeniably a part of who I am. And I need them now more than ever ever before. And I want them to be there. And I worry about them. But there isn't anything I can do about it.

I did everything I could do, and I'm hated because of it. So all I can do now is hope, or not hope, or do whatever I have to in order to keep going.

I can't ever do anything right. Ever.

It sucks. It just really, really, really sucks. Articulate, I know.

I'm just in a complaining, melancholy mood though. That hug really would be nice right about now.

Well, I'm sure I had more to talk about, but I'm getting extremely tired.

Anyway, today's quote is from "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. (Very tender song and video)

"There are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.."

Save the Empty

2009-03-08T21:48:00.003-04:00

Whenever I get in one of my upset moods and someone asks me if I'm okay, or what's wrong, this is what I want to show them:

"She waited all night for the tears to come;
Pictures of silence falling apart in her head.
The chaotic night unfolded behind closed eyes
And inside the bitter sheets her heart turned cold.

Their words were not what killed her.
Not their lies, nor their taunts.
Not in their misplaced gestures;
Not in their icy hearts.

No, the murder weapon chosen to rip away her soul
Were in the eyes of those she prized the most.

Fires didn’t burn there, not of hate or of fervor.
Cold deception never crept in, nothing of the sort.
Instead their dead gazes seemed to rest everywhere,
Except on her own dying frame.

Sluggishly, they passed without notice,
Speaking in a foreign tongue.
A language she’d forgotten long ago,
Before the days had merged with night.

At first she ran after the benumbed,
Begging to be seen,
Nails tearing into their arms as she grasped them,
Desperation permeating every thought.

But they retreated; and she ripped out her locks and clawed at her face in agony,
No one there to see.

She sat with the others,
Silently waiting for a turn of the head,
Someone to admire the monstrous face she had created.
But they stared at each other without feeling.

She screamed her own fretful pleas,
Words falling on tragic, deaf ears,
Until all that remained were bleeding whispers,
That slowly turned to quiet.

She cut out her tongue,
With no one to hear her beautiful words.

Into her solitude, she slipped,
Letting miserable visions and thoughts numb her own mind,
Left alone in the most complex of simplicities-
To fight the will to live.

She imagined an angel standing at the door
Though no pearl gate would let him through with her blood on his hands.
Raising a feeble arm she beckoned him to come,
To let his stained wings touch her for a moment.

He moved to her bedside without a word,
Leaving gory footprints to mark his path.
She raised her head to watch him.
But the sight nearly brought her tearless eyes to life.

Morbid coal had replaced the eyes of the wretched angel ,
And his lips stayed twisted in a mangled smile.
Gradually he pulled a tainted knife from his wings,
Never moving his heartbreaking face.

For a moment she felt a stir of joy in her chest,
At last he would put her toil to rest.
But he placed the blade on the sweat-stained sheets,
And slowly waited for the temptation to overwhelm.

The passionless love that had faded so long ago
Failed to persuade her to life
Existing only as empty memories
Of forgotten hands and biting sighs.

His meaningless smile stayed engrained
Until the gesture seemed to haunt.
The black eyes looked past her,
This moment of no consequence to the terrible, blighted angel.

So slowly, numbly she carved out her heart,
Bled out her soul,
Killed the love that had ceased to exist,
And died in the watch of her protector, her heart lying in front of him.

Retreating from his spot,
He left the dead to bury its own."

So yeah, this whole weekend has been really good and really bad.

I bet not one of them could have seen through the lie =/ I really cried for the first time in a long time.

Here is the quote, from Love, Save the Empty- Erin McCarley

"Sad boy, you stare up at the sky when no one's looking back at you. You wear your every last disguise; you're flying, then you fall through. Again, the false affection. Again, you're breaking inside. Love save the empty."

Love Like Winter

2009-02-22T22:36:00.003-05:00

It's ironic-

I finally like the person I am. I mean, there is still a part of me that wants to lose weight and have clearer skin and be a better person and all that. But I really do like who I am.

And I have no one to share it with.

I feel like I have all these people around me and for some reason it makes me feel that much more isolated.

I know that probably sounds dumb, I don't know.

Anyways, here is a quote from Anberlin's "There is No Mathematics to Love and Loss"

"Where does one start to pick up the pieces of a gasoline heart? Words lost their meanings long ago."

Youth of the Nation

2009-02-11T15:09:00.003-05:00

Why does everything have to be complicated? I feel like I'm wasting away in this house. I've learned a lot but I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I'm some stranger to almost everyone.

I miss the semblance of normal. I mean, I'm a seventeen year old that stays at home and takes care of a baby and works, and the rest of my time I feel like I don't have the energy or drive to do anything else. I don't know how to take on the responsibility of taking care of Bella. And I'm scared that I won't be able to go to WCU, and if that happens, I don't know what I'll do. Because I can't be here anymore. I need something new.

I feel like there are so many things I want to do with my life and I don't know how to accomplish them. They seem like foolish aspirations.

And to be honest, I'm conflicted about whats wrong or right. Should I try to be friends like I want? Or is it even worth the risk of rejection? Because I don't know if I can take that. Do I even have anything to offer?

Why do I feel such a strong pull? Is there even a reason? Do I give into it or fight it?

And how? How do I stay away? How do I come close?

I don't even know you anymore. I try to pretend that I do, that I just know the way you work, the way your heart works, your thoughts, your feelings. But I don't. You're the stranger that I've been closest to. It's just like you don't know who I am. Like I said, very few do. We don't know each other anymore.

And there has been another person thats usually not too present on my mind. He just pisses me off so so so much. He is self-serving, self-obsessed, cruel, insulting, and basically just a complete jerk. Please, I don't care if everyone else thinks you're hilarious. I don't think you're funny. At all. You are mean. You tear other people down in order to feel better about yourself, to climb up to some higher level of pride. And just so you know, I am not stupid. I may not have been driven in the couple of months you saw me at school. But I am not- in any way, shape, or form- stupid. So get down off your high horse, and if you think that I am too dumb to realize that you're making fun of me, then you are wrong. So stop pretending that we are buddies. And please stop with your "holier-than-thou" attitude. You are a hypocrite and I'm tired of dealing quietly with your endless comments and looks. It's really just getting to be absolutely annoying. And you may think you're cool, but I will tell you right now, anyone that treats people the way you do, is not cool, and unless you start considering other peoples feelings that aren't you're own, you will be living a lonely, pretended life. I may only have one close friend here in North Carolina, but I feel sorry for you. Because I can't imagine being miserable enough that I would go around putting other people down. So leave me alone. Just freaking leave me alone.

End of rant, sorry. Ughhhhh. I just get so mad.

Anyways, I got my SATs back yesterday and they're good, or at least I think they are. I got two 650s in reading and math and a 590 in wrting. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

This year I'm going to eliminate the pictures, because they took so long to find and all, but I'll still have my quote. Sister Olay gave me this one and told me to show other people who I really am, its a quote by Fanny Brice.

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"

Saying Sorry

2009-01-19T11:00:00.002-05:00

So this week has been a long, confusing one. I've been happy, livid, upset, crazy, everything. But last night it all kind of settled into regret or remorse or something like that. So I started writing apologies to people. I wish I could just tell them. But something always gets in the way. So here you go: Apologies from My Heart.

1. I’m sorry that it’s taken this long for us to be friends again. I’m sorry that my anger and frustration got in the way of something really good. I’m sorry that I judged you and wasn’t supportive when you needed me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to be there for you. I’m happy that you have found your way independent of me, and that you were able make those decisions that I should have been there to help you make. I love you and I’m sorry.

2. I’m sorry that you haven’t found the happiness you wanted. I’m sorry that you’ve lost so much. I’m sorry that I can’t be the one to help you, because I don’t know how to. I want so much for you to have the things that you deserve, and I’m sorry that you aren’t getting them. I’m sorry that we don’t talk like we used to.

3. I’m sorry that we don’t talk anymore. I’m sorry that you don’t know how proud I am of you. But I am. I’m sorry that you’re not at home where you should be. I’m sorry that I was upset with you for so long. I’m sorry that silly things made us grow apart. I’m sorry that I don’t call like I should, to tell you I miss you. But I do miss you.

4. I'm sorry that I haven't known you guys like I should have. I should have been there and called more, and I hate that I haven't. I'm sorry for any sadness you've felt because of me. I'm going to do better. I’m sorry for the missed birthdays and holidays. I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I’m sorry that we aren’t closer and I’m sorry that we’re all such strangers now. I love you all though, with every bit of my heart. I’m sorry that things have grown to be the way they are now; I didn’t ever want it to happen.

5. I’m sorry that I haven’t been a better example for you. I’m sorry that I never helped you understand the lines. I’m sorry that I don’t spend more time with you, but I’m going to change that. I’m sorry that sometimes I’m too hard on you and act like your mother. I’m sorry that you’re in the same situation that I was in. I hate that I can see what’s coming, and I’m sorry that it has to happen. I’m sorry that I didn’t prevent it. I’m sorry that you love him so much.

6. I’m sorry that I don’t know what I want, and I’m sorry I hurt you in the process of that. I hate that I led you on, because you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry that I had to involve you again. You are such a good person; you didn’t need me. I’m sorry that I can’t feel the same way for whatever reason. I’m sorry that things couldn’t be different. I wish they were.

7. I’m sorry that I dislike you so much. Just kidding, I’m really not sorry.

8. I’m sorry that we’ve ended up the way we have. I’m sorry that seeing you makes me sad, and angry. I’m sorry that I want to slap you about 95% of the time. I’m sorry that we don’t really talk anymore. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you or made you feel bad. I’m sorry that I lost such a good friend. I’m sorry that I still wish we were friends. But most of all, I’m sorry that you probably feel sorry for me.

9. I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry that I haven’t done all of the things that I should. I’m sorry that I haven’t earned all of the love, grace, and forgiveness you’ve given me. I’m sorry that I’ve been scared instead of bold. I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to the person you deserve.

10. I’m sorry that I’ve been distant.

But more than anything, I'm sorry that I have these apologies. I wish that they weren't so present in my life.

Anyway, thats enough of that. One of Mommy's old friends reminded me about this song I used to love, its Midnight in Montgomery- Alan Jackson. and the picture is from Nico1.

"Feel that lonesome chill."

Vindicated

2009-01-05T14:03:00.005-05:00

So today I got on to blog and was all ready to start complaining about how much I hate that I really like someone that lives in another state thats going on a mission soon. And how the other guy that means a ton to me doesnt like me and how it hurt to find that out and about all that I think about that. And I was ready to go on about how you can't stop people from making bad decisions and after its done, there are just some situations that are beyond the handling of a seventeen year old. And, granted, I did just get out all of those things, but there is something much more important I want to type about.

Because before I started to write, I reread all my blog entries since I first started last April. Last year was a rollercoaster ride and things have been confusing and hard, but gosh in a way it was one of the best years I've ever had, simply because I've grown so much, and I've learned so much. And so, I decided that all of last year's entries plus this one will be my Individual Worth project for church. Reading through the entries gave me a better understanding of it, and for once I think I'm starting to get the full meaning of it. Individual Worth isn't just liking yourself when your perfect and when things are great. Individual Worth means liking yourself through the good and the bad- and when bad things happen, coming out of them going, "yeah that sucked, but its gonna be okay because I'm okay and Heavenly Father still loves me and he's got a plan for me" And, truth be told, its really easy to lose sight of, but its always there.

Its okay that this year meant the ending of a big part of my life, because I think its making room for something bigger. And this year was probably the time that I've spent the most by myself- the year I've had with the fewest friends. But I've learned to like myself on my own terms, instead of by other peoples, and I've learned to just observe more and try and look beyond just the immediate.

And its funny, looking back I saw things that I'd forgotten- feelings of such happiness and self-worth that I forgot had happened, but I realize that they are still there. I was feeling like I'd changed so much from this summer and that I wasn't gong to be happy like that anymore. But those feelings never left, I just never tapped back into them. Because once I started reading, that happiness filled me again and I know its been there all along.

Its funny, because in one of my first blog entries I talked about how much I wanted some kind of adventure, some fantastic thing to happen to me, and I didn't realize it until now, but I got my adventure and it came to me in my own journey. It wasnt the one that I'd wanted, or expected. But I'm so grateful for it.

Thanks to everyone thats been there for me. Whether it was my close friends that got the whole ride, or just people that asked how I was doing, it all means a lot. Even if a lot of times I was wrapped up and didn't show it.

And my biggest thank you is for Heavenly Father and for all that he's done for me. He knew what was best for me, even when sometimes I didn't like it and it was hard. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to realize it.

So I want to make this into a little book for my individual worth project, not so that other people can read it (because it is personal and a little embarressing) But instead because I don't want to forget how much I collectively learned about Individual Worth this year and how happy I am to be who I and to be a daughter of God- even when I am being an angsty overdramatic teenager haha.

So I'd say that 2009 is going to be just fine =]

So todays pic is from Cerenimo and the song is "When I Go Down" - Relient K (which could be a theme song for me haha)

"When I go down I lift my eyes to you, I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms, to lift me up again."

Love Bites, Love Bleeds

2008-12-30T21:20:00.005-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. But I didn't want December to go out without a single post being written, so here I am. Confused as ever.

Or maybe its not really confused, I think its more lost. I mean, I know a lot better who I am now. But I feel like I'm just sitting watching life pass by and I can't get a hold on anything that matters. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either. I'm just nothing. No love left. No hate. No drive. Nothing. Just watching the rest of the world swim while I hold onto the bank. Figuratively, I guess I'm just scared of drowning. I don't know why, but it seems like I've slowly distanced myself from everyone. I don't do it on purpose, I just do.

I mean prime example- Jon. He was the first guy that wasn't Connor that I'd actually really felt anything for. And he called and emailed and left me voicemails, and what did I do? Nothing. I looked and listened and got scared of getting attached and hurt. And then the calls just stopped. =[ And gosh even though its been a while, I miss them coming. And its so dumb.

And there are a million other people that I do the same thing to. Anyone that might hurt me, I cut them out of my life without realizing that I'm doing it until its done.

Onto the next thing. People are saying that I am going inactive. First of all, I have no way to drive there, and its not like you see my parents at church without me. When they go, I go. But second of all, lets observe some things. One of the three girls that are my age, hates me. And the other two are close friends with her. And of the six guys that are my age- two of them think that I'm a loser, two of them could care less, one has been a jerk to the majority of my friends, and the last is just hard and weird and sad to be around. And I would say most of them think I'm stupid. Its just hard to be there. I mean, I still want to go, but I'll admit its harder to want it. I used to feel like church and my ward was the one place where I really belonged, and now its gone, and I think thats been one of the hardest things for me to get used to.

And last of all, I'm going to get closure tomorrow night on my incessant feelings. And then 2009 I'm starting over and letting go and getting over everything. 2009 means its over once and for all. I've been holding onto something that I want to be there, and if its not there then its not there and there's no use sticking around. I'm not going to try to be close friends again, thats not what I want, it never has been. So tomorrow night will settle it and then I'm going to finally just leave it alone. Put away everything. Leave well enough alone. I've thought about it a lot and this is the last time that I'll try this and then we can be just cordial friends and leave the past behind.

2009 will hopefully be a new start for me. Wish me luck.

Picture is by Henki24 and the song is Congratulations - Blue October ft. Imogen Heap

"My heart won't take this cover up."

The Battle of One

2008-11-30T15:32:00.011-05:00

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." - Octavio Paz

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." - Mother Teresa

"What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?" - T.S. Eliot

"People who lead a lonely existence always have something on their minds that they are eager to talk about." - Anton Checkov

"Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word, but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion." - Conrad Joseph

"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely." - Becky Aligada

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." - Orson Welles

"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it." - Vincent Van Gogh

"Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth. For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures, and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love." -Francis Bacon

“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most.” - Ronald Anthony

“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." - Tennessee Williams

"The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness." - Norman Cousins

We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands

2008-11-06T22:16:00.003-05:00

I've been using anger as a barrier for the past couple months. I've hidden everything behind it. And it made things easier to deal with. It made me feel like I was in control.

But now that its gone, there are these new feelings of confusion and fear and hurt. I feel this really overwhelming sadness all over me and I don't understand it.

Why do I care so much??? Why can't it just be over?

I'm just really confused. How do you erase whats been done? How do you fix things that seem beyond repair? Or should you at all?

I feel very very sick, to be honest. I just don't know how I got myself into this mess and I don't know how to get out. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. And I just don't know how to change it.

Will things ever be good again? Sometimes I just wish I could erase the world.

Disintegration

2008-10-31T11:35:00.005-04:00

I feel so lost.

Like there isn't a way back to having a place where I feel safe anymore. Because its not whats outside that scares me, its whats inside.

If I had died, who would really honestly completely care? Who's lives would it change? Who really cares about me now? Who really knows me now? Who really wants to know me?

My friends are gone. My safehaven is gone. I feel like a stranger around everyone.

How many people heard and didn't care? didn't call? didn't say anything at all? Too many to count. So many that it doesn't feel real. The only reminder I have is the pain in my body and on my face and in the eyes of someone else who could have died.

All these thoughts are just too much for me to carry around. What have I done to leave behind? How would I be remembered? As a stranger? As someone who was never forgiven? or loved?

My head hurts and my heart hurts and I don't know where I'm at anymore. Its October and I can't tell you one truly great thing that has happened to me in the past three months. Nothing meaningful even. Three months of wasted time. But what else can I do? I feel like I'm just stuck at this house with my thoughts and my anger and my sadness, with only two or three people outside this house that care at all. If I was in the hospital, who would come? Who would be there?

I guess I just wish that I had someone to hold me and tell me that theyre so happy that I'm okay and that they love me. Someone to hold my hand and tell me its all over now. I guess I want to go out being loved and in love. People say there is plenty of time to find someone you love and who loves you. But what if there isn't?

What if there isn't?

What does it matter if all that you have is hate and anger and jealousy and grudges that were never forgiven?

I mean, I am so grateful for the family and close friends I've got. But I just wonder, is that all there is ever going to be for me?

I deleted my MySpace and Facebook. Because I can't stand to keep on pretending like everything is normal and fine and I'm just peachy, when things aren't like that. I'm tired of pretending, and if that makes me weak then so be it.

I'm just so scared.

Scared of dying without leaving behind anything meaningful.

Scared of no one knowing who I am.

Scared of never falling in love again.

Scared of it always being me and my thoughts.

Just scared to death.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Picture is from Pyrotechnician and the song is Pictures of You - The Cure. I've been listening to their album Disintegration constantly. Its possibly one of the greatest albums ever created.

"Looking so long at these pictures of you, but I never hold on to your heart. Looking so long for the words to be true, but always just breaking apart."

Never Take Friendship Personal

2008-10-02T15:41:00.003-04:00

I was thinking about something today. Its odd, when you're little you are taught what to do when a stranger comes up to you, or what happens if theres a fire, or what to do in an emergency, and all those things. Those things that have simple answers. Don't talk to them; meet at a designated spot; call 911.

But its funny, looking back, the things that actually matter the most are the things that no one told you about. How do you deal with peer pressure? How do you deal with loneliness? What about when your parents get a divorce? or when someone dies? or how do you deal with an addiction? Why doesn't anyone teach you about anything that matters? They don't tell you how to deal with real anger and jealousy; they don't tell you how to forgive someone who really hurts you. They don't teach you about falling in love or getting your heart broken. They don't tell you about wars and starvation and poverty; they don't tell you about nuclear weapons and crooked politics. They don't teach you about how to deal with lack of confidence or confusion or how to decide your future. I mean, I know its like telling a kid that Santa isn't real. But you grow up thinking that life is a cake walk, and then its like BAM! Now, deal with it. I don't know. I guess its just like, all those years worrying about being kidnapped or my house burning down or having to call 911, I should have been thinking about how to defend myself against things that are so much more personal, you know?

In other news, honesty is dying. Just thought everyone should know. Lies and dishonesty seem to be eating away at the people in my life. It makes me sad.

Anyways, I don't remember where else I was going with this. So I guess I'll end it. The quote is from Never Take Friendship Personal by Anberlin, and the picture was made by Plim-Chan.

"Once a skeptic, now the critic. And you figured you finally found a place of your own amongst the cold and timid souls where only failure knows your name. Look around for the closest to blame, but look no further than the hands beneath your arms."

Vulnerable

2008-09-18T11:51:00.004-04:00

How do you get rid of hate and anger?

How do you get rid of compassion?

How do you make things go away?

How do you know what to do at all?

Time and patience, maybe? I've got no idea. I've been trying to figure it out for the past two weeks. If you've got an answer, please tell me.

So, I keep on thinking about how I'm a senior now. I know I'm not that old, but I feel like saying, "no! go back, I'm not done being a teenager!" You know? And I was just looking at some pictures from a couple years ago and my transcript from freshman year, and I just wish I could go back and change things. I would have done things so much differently. I just feel like I was so busy worried about how I should act and be that I missed out on everything. And I know I could have done so much better in school if I had just really tried. I don't know. I guess I just wished that I hadn't worried so much about everything and instead just been myself and talked to people and stuff. Then again, maybe thats just not who I am. Who knows. Whats done is done and its got me to this point and I'm okay with that.

I still don't regret leaving public school though. I'm a lot happier here, doing things like this. You know, I don't like talking about why I left, but I think that maybe I need to get it out. So if you read this, I guess you get to be one of the few that really know.

I have never been able to make good friends at school; I had a few in middle school, but for the most part I was a loser. And then from then on out I had Sarah plus a few people at school depending on the people in my class. But after Gabriella was born, it was like I never had time for my homework either. So I felt stupid, along with feeling like a loser, boring, weird, and ugly. I just was always wondering what was wrong with me that made people not want to be friends with me. I hated Hickory Ridge. Its just the looks I got. I don't know. I just don't know. But I felt ugly and stupid and weird and worthless.

And then around December I started getting really sick because I was worried and stressed out all the time, I remember one week where I was just so depressed and upset and no one noticed and so that just made it worse. The one person who did know about it, I never got the chance to talk to them about it. And then one morning during seminary I just broke down, and I started bawling in Austin's car and he took me home. And I wrote this,

"I was just so upset. I hate school. I hate the environment here, I hate the learning here, I hate having to be here with these people who are always looking down on me. And I have huge self esteem issues that I don't know how to fix. And I feel like I'm losing Sarah. And like I'm a failure as a daughter b/c I never talk to my biological dad. And like I'm a bad sister because I don't spend enough time with the baby. And like I'm not good enough for any boy. Heck, I'm 16 and I still haven't been kissed. That. Is. Pathetic."

So that pretty much explains that. And so thats when I started thinking about homeschooling. Sarah wasn't too happy with me because of the homeschooling idea (understandably), my family was worried about me, I found out the story behind my parents divorce, and I was confused about stuff with a guy. I felt like everything would just be better if I wasn't here anymore, honestly. I'm not being melodramatic or anything, I just was so upset a lot of days and I didn't feel like anyone cared about me and that I was just a problem and that no one wanted me around. And so I thought a lot about how if I died it would be so much better. I never hurt myself or anything, it was just on my mind a lot. I just didn't think that I was worth anything at all. I was sick and went home a lot of days. And it was then that I decided that public school just was harming my self-confidence and that it wasn't worth it. I lost two of my closest friends because of it. One sooner than the other. And I didn't want that to keep happening.

So anyways, here I am. Its been like eight months since all of that, and I have not felt like that one day since. I still haven't been kissed and I have the least amount of friends that I've ever had, but I am still 100 times happier, because I like myself, even if no one else does. It didn't come right away, but I think I'm getting better every day. I probably didn't explain it very well, but its something thats really personal and complex and really hard to put into words.

I know that I sound like an angsty, crazy, overdramatic teenager. And I am. So I guess its okay haha. But I know that what I felt was real, its the most real and terrible feeling I've ever had- worse than getting my heart broken (which sounds really retarded I know, but there is no other way to put it because thats what it was). I know that other people go through a billion times worse though, so believe me, I'm appreciative that thats the worse I've ever gone through and that it had a relatively easy solution.

So anyways, my fingers hurt so I'm done being angsty and reflective =]

The quote is from E.E. Cummings and the picture is by DontPanicMedia.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."

You Don't Know Me

2008-09-15T14:57:00.003-04:00

Well, it hurts more and less than I thought it would.

Less than I would have guessed a couple months ago. A couple months ago I would have thought that this would have sent me into a crying frenzy that would last a few days- where I would spend all my time feeling sorry for myself haha. But it hurt more than I had recently decided it was going to. I was surprised that I cried. But its not because I'm jealous, because I made my decisions and I don't regret them, I guess its just hard for me to accept. But I'm doing relatively fine. Good, even. I just still have a lot of anger and resentment to get rid of, and I'm working on that.

In the mean time, I don't like the other guy I thought that I might like either. I'm quickly running out of options haha. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to end up being some old fat lady with five hundred cats and giving mean dirty looks to everyone. I hope not. I was on the phone with Mommy though today and I started talking to her just about everything and she told me that I shouldn't look at it negatively, that maybe I was being protected from being hurt more. She said with the way that I loved people, she thought that getting hurt by more guys would just tear me up. Maybe she's right. But I still think that maybe there is just some sign on me that says "I'm not worth your time!" haha. Or maybe I'm just too picky, or something.

But I'm still kind of happy I don't have to deal with it right now. Its just so much trouble. Besides, I'm too busy being involved in everyone else's stuff that its nice not to have to deal with my own haha.

Speaking of that, I've actually been pretty livid for about the past hour about something that is happening. And I just want to go and slap someone. I swear this guy has hurt so many of my friends that I want to quarantine him- he's a player, a fake, and a liar. And I really can't stand the thought of him right now. Last summer: "I would never play a girl." Wow, and I actually believed him. I know of at least 5 girls he has played and it makes me just sick.

Anyways, its funny how much boy problems take over things. But I've been thinking about a lot more important things. Still things about the car accident, but mostly about school and getting older. Its so funny, I don't feel like I'm 17, I feel like I'm still a little kid and that I must have missed some crucial part of growing up. I mean, I've changed a lot, but I feel like I just missed out on something, and I don't know how to change that. Maybe moving out and going to college in a year.

We are making Bella a time capsule for her birthday for her to open when she's sixteen. I'll be 34 by then. Me and Nana were talking about it today and she said something about her being gone by then. And it scares me. Nana and Poppy are such a huge part of my life, I don't know what I'm going to do. And then we started talking about how we're going to do a capsule when I'm eighteen; it just makes me wonder what people would say about me. Or who all will still care enough to say anything. I don't know. Its all a little scary.

Oh well. Todays quote is from "Love Is Dead" by Kerli, and the picture is from ClandestineButter.

"All I want is right here, but love don't live here anymore. Love is dead. Love is gone. Love don't live here anymore."

Getting Scared

2008-09-09T13:47:00.002-04:00

Today I got into a car accident. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, ever. I was at a stop sign and I didn't see anyone coming, but there was a blind curve so when I pulled out I hit someone that was going probably at least 50mph. My car stopped in the intersection after I hit him, but his car spun and went down an embankment and into the woods. When I saw it I thought that he had to be dead or seriously injured. The drivers door wouldn't open so I climbed out the passengers and then he came out of the woods. It was a miracle that neither of us were hurt, just sore.

Everyone was really nice, and it happened that three people that saw us hit happened to be two insurance adjusters and a nurse. I sat in the nurse's car until Mommy got there. The cop didn't give me any tickets, and our insurance should cover almost everything. And his parents were really nice and so was he. But his car was totaled and mine probably was too.

I think I'm going to be too scared to drive for a while. I still feel like crying whenever I think about it.

But the main thing I got out of this is that Heavenly Father must have been looking out for me, because if you had seen what happened, you would have thought that an ambulance would have carried both of us off. Its amazing because on Sunday Krystine told everyone in Young Womens that she knew that we had angels watching over us, and then his happens today and the nurse says, "Angels must be watching over you." And so I just started balling my eyes out.

It also has made me think about things that I should be doing differently, how I should be doing more with my life, and just like, what if something like that happens again and its worse? What happens if I die? Or if someone I know dies? What would I regret doing or telling them? I guess its just shook me up.

Anyways, I just wanted to write this because I wanted to get it out, and I have nothing to do because anything besides sitting and laying down hurts. And I've got a huge headache. But I'm so amazingly lucky and so glad that I have such good parents who are being so great about this.

Alright, no picture or quote today.

Lots of love.
Bye guys <3

Love is a Battlefield

2008-09-06T22:58:00.004-04:00

I've spent a great deal of time thinking this week. Its been a kind of up and down and all over the place type of thing, and I've come to a lot of conclusions;

One: I don't know why I worry so much about not having a huge following of friends. The friends that I do have are the best that anyone could ever ask for and complaining/sulking is the most ungrateful thing to do.

Two: I actually genuinely like who I am. I was reading an IM I had sent to someone a year and a half ago, and I basically was just saying how I felt ugly and boring and not worth anyone's time. And I've just changed so much about how I feel about myself. And then today it just all came together. I was talking to Sarah and we had been talking about how its hard for us both to keep up diet and exercise and I just said, "Well, it doesn't matter, because we both look good the way we are." and I realized that I actually meant it. I'm okay with the way I look, because this is who I am, and there are much more important things about me than just the way I look. I just started thinking about how great so many people are and they don't even know it.

Three: I am not going to be friends with people who talk about me behind my back even though I have never once done anything to them and I have been very nice and always honest with them. I refuse to be friends with someone who puts me down and makes me feel bad about myself. And I will not accept the fact that they do that to the people that are closest to them. There is no excuse. Oh, and if you're going to say mean things about me, don't say them to my best friend.

Four: I am going to keep things in perspective from now on. The future is limitless, and the next few months are really nothing when it comes to the real scale of things.

Five: I will not let any guy make me feel like I'm not worthy or like I'm disposable. I will not let any one have that kind of control over me anymore. No girl should let that happen; there are SO many girls I know that let guys define who they are and how they feel about themselves, myself included. But I've come to a conclusion- it isnt worth it. If he doesnt appreciate you for who you are and how amazingly wonderful you are then he isn't worth your time. Okay? And same goes for how guys are viewed. Girls should appreciate them for who they are and not treat them badly or mess with their heads. Guys are people too, they deserve better than that.

Six: I am going to make a much bigger goal of not judging people. We are all children of God and He doesn't want us treating our brothers and sisters negatively. If we have His perspective then we can see that he wants for all of his children to come back.

Seven: I'm done with caring what people say or think about me. I don't blame them because I know I'm probably guilty of doing the same thing sometimes. And in reality, what they think doesn't change who I am.

Eight: Change is alright. It happens.

Nine: I am not going to walk around like a dog waiting to be kicked. I'm tired of that. It's been who I am for too long.

Ten: It's okay to be confident. It isn't a bad thing.

I think that in the end its been a good week =] And I hope that if you're reading this then maybe you got something out of it that you can feel for yourself. Individual Worth is important. Think about it.

Anyways, just a picture today from me. But check out the song "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benitar and look up the lyrics. I loveee it.

Southern Weather

2008-08-27T10:32:00.002-04:00

So everything around here is flooded. There is literally a stream running through both my front and back yard. Its gotten better since this morning, but its still pretty bad. All this rain has been sad though, and it stinks that I'll be stuck here all day.

Sitting around here makes me...nostalgic, I guess thats the right word for it. Everyone tells me that I think too much; I just wish that I could stop it. But there's really nothing much else to think about, nothing else to move on to or to distract me. I don't know. Sometimes I just lose sight of everything in the present, and just live in the past, or, when I write, live in my story. I spend so much time avoiding the now. Its like, I want so much to happen and to change and everything, but I just can't find it. I know that that doesn't make much sense.

I guess I'm going to be living vicariously through Sarah and Emma for a while, and just do whats required of me and have a good attitude about it. At least if I've got nothing else to distract me it gives me plenty of room to focus on school and my family and the Lord. Which I think is why I've been given this time. So I can focus on other things that are ultimately more important.

And I realized that I've been so busy trying to figure out whats wrong with me and figure out how I should act to make people like me and think that I'm cool and fun and all that other stuff, that I forgot that I shouldn't have to change. I've decided that there are going to be people who like me for who I am and there will be people who don't, and thats okay. And I just keep on telling myself that.

I keep on thinking of this quote that Emma always would tell me "Everything will be okay in the end, and if its not okay then its not the end."

I have faith that one day, probably without me even realizing it, things are just going to be better, and I'll know that its happened because that'll be the day that I stop going "Things were so much better when..." or "I wish I had done this when..." and stuff like that. And it'll happen =] Like I said last time, I'm working of patience, grace, and strength. Everything happens for a reason, and I think this is happening because I need to learn and grow from it.

Today's picture is from alanc79 and the quote is from Never Say I Told You So- The Almost.

"This is the part where you take your place and I just take mine. I've never been so sick- of seeing you so blind, of all the things you offer to the ones who forget you."

Lose It

2008-08-25T10:12:00.003-04:00

Well, Emma left early this morning. I basically cried my eyes out yesterday and I don't know what to do now that she's gone. Everyone keeps on saying "you'll see her again in a couple months" but they don't understand that I still have to survive these months by myself. I feel so alone. Sarah is the only close friend I've got left. Its a good thing that I love her so much and that she's such an amazing person or else I would be hauled off to the psych ward within weeks haha.

I went to seminary this morning, and the lesson was good of course, I love Brother Barker and Brother Arter, but I can tell that the lesson is going to be the only thing to look forward to. Hanging around afterwards made me want to crawl under the carpet and die. And now I'm just sad. Its going to be hard going to seminary, and mutual, and on Sundays, without Emma there. It was already hard enough before. If I didn't know that the church was true and right then I doubt that I would come. But I do know its true, and I plan on trying to be at all those things, all the time. This is just another thing I'm gonna push through.

Anyways, I'm happy that I'm going back to work though; even though being over there will be tough, it will still be something to do during the day, and then I've got my computer class on Monday nights, and in October I'll have English for a couple hours 3 days a week. I just want to keep busy. I've been writing a whole lot. Lets just hope I can survive being grounded this week and not being able to see Sarah.

Oh, and my last point of the blog: I am in looove with the song "No Handlebars" by Flobots. If you haven't heard it then go watch the music video on YouTube. Its one of the most amazing things ever; its really sad- its about innocence, and decisions, and the danger of power. At least thats what I get out of it. If anyone reads this (because I don't really know if anyone does, besides the couple that leave me comments) listen and tell me what you think of when you hear it. I think its a song that is pretty powerful and will probably mean different things to different people.

Okay, so one more point. Sorry, I was reading quotes from One Tree Hill, because I love their quotes, and I found something that I love and I want to put it on here so that I don't forget it. This was said by Peyton:
"And so I wish for patience, grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want."
This basically describes things right now for me; and if you're reading this, then you are probably close enough to me to know that.

Alright, to end things, I've got a picture that just really really hit me when I saw it, its a photograph by Raul called 'People Die Alone'. The quote is by George Bernard Shaw.

"There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it."

Why Should I Cry For You?

2008-08-17T20:22:00.002-04:00

Things have gotten better and worse. Worse because its getting tougher to deal with the boy situation. I don't think I like who I thought I liked; I might like someone who I didn't think I would like; and I'm still struggling to deal with something that shouldn't matter. Last night things just kind of collapsed and it got tougher.

But I've been feeling better too. I've just become more okay with everything. Its like, when you put things into perspective, its just so much easier to be happy. There is a plan for me, and if it includes this right now, then so be it. I guess a big part of life is just waiting for something that is right, and try to be happy while you're doing it. I just sometimes feel like I'll never find the right thing. But we had a fireside today and I talked to Sarah a little earlier about how I feel about the truth of the church and the gospel. And I realize that as long as I have the gospel, I'm going to be just fine.

On a different note, I turned seventeen yesterday. The day wasn't bad or anything, I had fun for the most part, but it just made me want to freeze my age. I'm not ready to have to start growing up yet, and I just feel like I missed something important along the way. But maybe everyone feels like that. I know I'm excited about time moving on and things changing, but it still scares me, because what if things don't change? Or if they do, what happens if they change for the worse? I guess you can't think like that though.

I'm happy, but I'm sad too you know. I just feel like there is a big part of me that is missing, and the reason why is so stupid. I just don't understand things I guess. But there is something that I'm starting to figure out; I never understood how thin the line was between love and hate, and I think I'm realizing it now.

Anyways, todays quote is from Lifeline- Angels & Airwaves, and the picture is by DzSuperBoy.

"With an urgent, careful stare, I see panic in those eyes. If I see you lying there, hoping this was the last time; If you hear a distant sound, and some footsteps by your side. When the world comes crashing down, I will find you if you hide. We all make mistakes, here's your lifeline; if you want it I want to."

Be Still My Beating Heart

2008-08-08T23:57:00.004-04:00

So, to start out, I finally put up music for my blog like I've been meaning to do for forever. Thats why there is a playlist above this. If you've noticed, all my entry titles are songs, and I usually have a quote from a song, so I've put all those songs in the playlist, with the exception of The Runaways-Anberlin, Goodbye-Smith Point, and Facing Up-Kate Voegele, they weren't on the website.

Anyways, I don't really know what I want to say, but I think once I start writing I'll think of plenty of things.

I want to leave, badly. I'm tired of things here and I'm so sick of people getting upset with me over nothing that I could scream. It's like people treat me like dirt and when I finally say something, they hate me. This is why I get walked over all the time, I can't say anything without them thinking I'm angry or terrible or crazy. And please if they have something to say, they should just say it to me. I want to just leave, I'm tired of all the stupid drama here, I don't want to be a part of it. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can just get out of here for a while.

I feel like something must be wrong with me, something that drives everyone away or makes them hate me. Its like something bad always happens with the people I love the most. So I've gotten to the point where I don't want anyone to get close anymore, or I'm scared of letting someone get close. I feel like if people don't get close, they won't be able to hurt me when they find out they hate me. So maybe even leaving here wouldn't fix things, but you never know.

Most of the time I just don't think about it, so its not like I'm depressed or anything, but its nice to get it out on here. Mostly I'm happy and keeping myself busy, but everyone has those things that nag at them.

And I think I'm finally starting to learn how to let go of something that I don't want to let go of. Its hard, but I think I'm doing it, finally. I think I'm crossing into unknown territory and it scares the crap out of me, but I'm ready for it too. I think I'm finally starting to realize what I want.

So todays picture is by spako and the quote is from Kiss From A Rose- Seal.

"There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea; you became the light on the dark side of me."

The Moment

2008-07-26T00:42:00.000-04:00

So, its been a pretty amazing time lately. There is so much on my mind lately that I don't even know how to start out.

I guess I'll start with the easiest thing first- I think I have decided what I want to do education-wise, and it scares the crap out of me. I want to graduate by December and then take a Nurse's Aid class at CPCC, and then transfer from there to the College of Sciences at Northeast Medical and get my Associates in nursing, then while I'm working I can take online courses to get my Bachelors in nursing. Its going to cost a lot of money and work and I have a feeling that its going to be a really tough time, but I'm excited.

Only thing I really don't like is that I'm going to be here, in Cabarrus County, where I have lived for the past bajillion years, with the same people. And, don't get me wrong, there are several people that I would hate to leave, but it is ridiculous how ready I am to find new people, being at EFY made me realize that.
And EFY was in a word, amazing. I loved my group, I loved my session director, I loved the lessons, I loved the testimony meeting, I loved the spirit you could feel there, I just loved everything really. Most importantly, I grew closer to my Heavenly Father and I think I'm starting to understand a lot of things that I didn't understand before. I sincerely believe that true faith and perfection through Christ is a long road, but I know that if you don't start walking towards it, you'll never get there.

Other thing that I learned is a great lesson about people, and about myself. I need to stop letting people run over me. I need to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself and people who appreciate me and people that don't take me for granted. I need to be with people who like to have fun and don't care what other people think and accept everyone and aren't judgemental and critcal. I'm just sad that all those people that I met at EFY who were like that are scattered across several states.

It just hadn't hit me so hard that I'd been feeling bad about myself, that I didn't realize how much everyone else had been weighing down on me. It just felt so good to hear someone say that I was of worth, that they cared about me for me, and that they appreciated me- and them be truly sincere about it.

I hadn't had felt that from anyone who wasn't Sarah, Emma, or my family, in such a long time. All my friendships seem to be falling apart back here, and I know that its probably my fault. I feel that I've just regressed so much back into my shell and that its really hard for me to trust people now. I feel like everyone that I care about will leave eventually.

But regardless of that, there has been a lot of progression too. I've become more independent, or rather I've become more dependent on Heavenly Father and Christ. I'm a lot stronger now, I'm better at dealing with problems. I have a better outlook on what I want to do with my life. I have come to a greater love and appreciation for my true friends and for people in general. I'm so much happier than I was at the beginning of the year, and the end of last year. I have a better perspective of everything. I feel better about myself as a person and as a daughter of God.

There are still some days I feel like no one will ever understand me, that I'll never be able to be totally honest with anyone else. I feel like people I've known for years don't really know me at all. Some think I'm just some shy girl that keeps to herself; some think I'm stuck up; some think that I'm just some girl that gets scared easily and is fun to play around with. But all the time I feel like people are looking right past me. I just repress things so much.

There are still days that are staggeringly lonely.

But most days I'm happy. I've been blessed with a wonderful family that I love a lot, I've been blessed with very few big trials, I've been blessed with the gospel of Christ, I've been blessed with the love of a few beautiful best friends, I've been blessed with an education, I've been blessed with a healthy body, I've been blessed with parents who work hard to provide for me. Actually, I've been blessed so much with so many other things that those lonely days really mean nothing.

So, in closing I'll leave a picture by enutpnut and a quote from Good Day- Angels & Airwaves.

"If love's a word that you say, then say it, I will listen... You know I won't say sorry."

It's Far Better to Learn

2008-07-06T18:13:00.004-04:00

Okay, because I have started out the past two blogs with "wow, i havent blogged in forever," I won't do it this time. All I will say is that I'm kind of dissapointed in myself that I didn't blog at all in June. But I've been really busy.

It seems like there's just so much to write now, because I've done a lot of growing and changing on the inside this past little bit.

I'll start with the bad stuff first I guess, that way by the end, it'll just get better and better and I'll feel good haha.

So, lately I've been feeling kind of detached from everything. Right now I kind of feel like I've lost a lot of people who I used to be close to. Actually, I feel like the only close friends I have now are Sarah and Emma. Which I am so grateful that they are there for me, because I love them so so so much. But all the other people that I used to be close to, I'm just not anymore. Person1 is mad at me, and to be honest I just can't call them anymore because there are so many residual feelings still left there from where I got hurt and felt betrayed. I can't call them without feeling like everything that I say will be judged, twisted, and then fed to everyone else. Person2 is a hypocrite and says that they do everything perfect and still no one wants to be friends with them anymore. But the fact is, is that you can't treat your friends like dirt and then expect them to stay with you. And it's not like I'm not one for second chances, but you have to try and change first, and you can't think that you're God. Person3 is someone I just can't talk to anymore. Person 4... will be discussed later. I miss these people a lot, and gosh I care about all of them so much, I just can't take it anymore. And if that means only having my family and Sarah and Emma, then so be it.

Another thing is, Emma is leaving =[ and honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do without her here. These past couple months I have become so dependent on her. I mean, I am soo happy and excited that she's going off to college and is going to have so many great opportunities, because its what she needs right now I think. But I'll just miss her you know. And church is going to be weird without her.

Sometimes I wish that I was leaving too; I really wish that I could get out of Harrisburg. Or really out of North Carolina. Only thing that keeps from applying to a million out of state colleges, is having to leave my family and Sarah. But I'm tired of things here. I want something different. And I don't want to have to deal with select people here anymore.

Select people really just being Person4. Which I'm sure everyone knows who Person4 is, or can guess. But I don't care, we're just going to call them P4. I just don't understand them at all; and they never are honest so I never know what they are really thinking. Because you can't make me think that we are best friends, and then a couple months later just freak out and tell me that I'm just like every other one of their half-friends and that I'm not worth their time. Maybe other people can deal with going back and forth like that, but I care about P4 and I don't want to sit there and just be friends whenever they feel like it. It makes me too sad, and confused. And I'm tired of trying really hard and feeling like I get nothing back, and that its all just wasted effort. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't tried to be friends again back in September. Maybe if I had just dropped things, then I would have moved on by now and wouldn't still be dealing with crap. But I did learn a lot from them. I just feel so stupid for trusting them to be there, and for trusting them with my secrets, and trusting them to care about me. And I feel like I've wasted so much time on something that was never going to be good again.

And I feel like right now the only person that really likes me in my stake is Emma, so that kind of stinks.

But thats all the whining I have to do. There's actually a lot of good stuff going on too.

Right now I'm trying to see if I can take some college courses in the fall at CPCC, and I want to get another job. That way I'll have money from taking care of Gabriella, working for Tami, and my other job. So that will be exciting if I can get it to happen =]

I've been able to write a lot, and I'm doing pretty good, and I actually like everything I've written so far, so that is very very good. One day maybe I'll end up sending it out to some editors/publishers.

But the most important thing is that in this past month I have done a lot of getting closer to Heavenly Father and the Savior, and my beliefs. Girls Camp basically started it. It was absolutely amazing. I loved my first level girls so much. The spirit that they had was just overwhelming and every day I felt Heavenly Father's love for them. And I just would have done anything for those girls. And Testimony meeting there, I think I cried through the entire thing, it just touched my heart so much. And I felt the spirit so strong and I know now without a doubt that there is no other church on the Earth that could give me such a strong feeling of peace and happiness. And its really just progressed from there, and I feel more stable and in control and just happy with being a daughter of God than I have in a long time. I need him, and his love is what I need more than anything. I know what I want to do with myself now, and I know it without a doubt.

Which makes me super excited for EFY next week. It should be great. And I'm hoping that maybe things will be different and I'll be able to let go of myself a little more. One things for sure, after last year's EFY, it would be impossible for this year to be any worse =] haha. But as long as I am open and out there, and not shy, I think that I'll be fine. And I'll have Emma there to help me out, so it should be great.

Well, this is all kind of jumbled and I know that there was a lot more that I wanted to write about, but its already really long. Sooo today's picture is by NadavDov and the song is "Let It All Out" by RelientK.

"If the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Just Let Go

2008-05-26T19:23:00.004-04:00

It's been a while; over two weeks. Guess there hasn't been much to say. Nothing to say that hasn't been said in this blog twenty times. So, there are a couple things that I want to get out. =]

Number one, I saw this old lady at the hospital the other day when Mommy went to go and get some xrays done (shes fine) and she is wheeled in, and she has to be at least eighty or so. And her nurse wheels her over to this guy thats probably in his fifties. And she smiles and says "Oh son, your the only thing I've got left. I'm so glad you came." He was there to take her to all of her appointments. The nurse said she'd come and get her after they were done. The little old lady sounded so sad. It made me want to cry. It must be so sad to get older and feel like you've got nothing left. I feel bad for the older people that are in hospitals or nursing homes and they dont have anyone there or they start falling apart mentally and physically. Its really sad. But maybe thats an ignorant thing to say. I don't know.

And the second thing, is that I finally stopped feeling empty and I figured out whats wrong with me. I feel like I've kind of slipped between the cracks, you know. Like, everyone that I was important to, I'm not so important to them anymore. And everyone that I care about, doesn't need me anymore. I guess I realized that I need people to need me. And now I guess no one really needs me. I know its a stupid problem to have, but its the truth. I want to really matter to someone. I mean, I know that I have friends that probably depend on me. But they don't need me, they just need someone. And I guess thats the part that stinks. But I can't really tell if I'm unraveling or if I'm just hardening myself now. Guess its kind of both. I know that doesnt make much sense.

Last thing is that I'm getting tired of putting myself on the line. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of people messing with my head and not being honest. Just be honest with me. I think that people assume I can't take the truth. I'd rather you just tell me. After being friends with Sarah for eight years, I know how to take the truth. Don't skirt around it, don't sugarcoat it, don't avoid it. Just tell me. I avoid telling myself the truth so its easier when other people tell me themselves. Because messing with someones head isnt nice. And I'm tired of it happening to me. I can only be dragged around for so long. Maybe they think that I'll always be here to put up with crap and that I can just be a convenience, but I'm tired of putting up with it. I'm sooooo tired of putting up with it and putting myself on the line. It just sucks when you tell people the truth and they ignore it.
Anyways, thats about it. I'm sure there were other things that I could have said, but this is already fairly long, and my fingers are tired. So here is todays picture is by deckchairs and the song is Just Let Go by Mae

"I'll give you all I've got, just spare me your time and I promise you won't want to leave."

The Runaways

2008-05-11T17:27:00.005-04:00

Wow, I can't believe its been a week and a half. I guess I've just kind of become blank. I found this in my journal from about 2 months ago. I said: "I feel so empty all the time. And when I'm not feeling empty then I feel so full of pent up emotions that I just want to burst." And I guess I'm kind of feeling like that again. Like, there is nothing to write.

I'm just so unsure of everything; and so indecisive. It's driving me nuts. It's just like, how do you make the right decision? and how do you know you're making the right decision? I mean, you just don't. I guess that this just goes back to the whole consequences thing.

But you know, you can only go so long hovering with indecision before it drives you crazy; sooner or later you have to make a decision and then live with it. I've just become so bad at taking risks. I can't decide whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't know I'm just so confused about it all the time. I don't know =/ One day I think one thing and then the next I change my mind. Earlier today I thought that I'd made a decision and now I'm rethinking it.

Blahhh. I suck at life.

Sorry, this is a lame way to come back after being gone for so long. But I figured that I don't know how long it'll be before I'm no longer blank. So I might as well say that I'm confused and semi-sad.

(Though, in happier news, prom was fun, and this past week/weekend has been good. Then again, prom made me realize that I miss that feeling that having a boyfriend that you really care about gives you. If that makes sense. But prom really was good.)

Anyway, todays picture is by UltraViolett and the quote is from Angel- Sarah McLachlan

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance- for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction- oh beautiful release- memory seeps from my veins. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees."

Leave the Pieces When You Go

2008-04-30T12:29:00.007-04:00

Just so everyone knows, it makes me happy to get comments from new people =] Thanks Kaitlyn and Austin.

I've been writing a lot lately in my novel; and it made me remember how much of a good distraction it is. It also made me remember how dang hard it is. But I love it.

So, yesterday I heard my mom talking on the phone to a certain anonymous person about how she thinks that one of my anonymous friends is depressed. And, unfortunately, I would have to agree. Now, I am not egotistical to the point where I would ever think that it is my fault (and I don't) But sometimes I wonder if this person would have been better off if they hadn't met me. That maybe they would be happier if not for me. Sometimes I think that, because of my selfishness, I inadvertantly prevented them from doing a lot of things that would have made them happier. It's funny how decisions work. Some of them you don't even realize that you've made until the consequences come. Some of them where you choose to ignore the possibility of a bad consequence. You are so caught up in what you want and how you feel that you forget to look at what might happen because of it. Blahh.

Anyway, I was talking to Ali and Chase the other night about the Twilight series and Ali was saying how Eclipse was her favorite and then I said that Twilight was mine. And Chase was saying how everyone likes Twilight because they're all in love with Edward. So it set me thinking about why exactly I love the first book so much. I mean, plot and character development and everything is better in Eclipse. So why is Twilight my favorite?

Its not because I'm smitten with Edward; and not because I think he's the perfect guy. I'm pretty sure that if he were real then I wouldn't fall for him. I mean, he's perfect for Bella though. And I think thats why Twilight is my favorite. Because its about two people who are crazy about each other and are in love even though every odd is against them.

And I really like the idea of true love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find it. I mean, don't think that I'm like "Ah I'm so hideous, I'll never get married because no guy will ever love me." Because I don't think that. But I just don't know if I'll be able to find someone who is as crazy about me as I am about them, and who cares about me. I just really wonder because it seems like I'll never be satisfied. There are plenty of cool guys that I could have gone for, but its like- the chemistry is never there, you know? It's pathetic, because I think I have only seriously liked one guy. I mean, yeah I've had other little crushes and junk like that. But its like, I can't find anyone that I click with. And I know that I'm still way young and I've got plenty of time- but sometimes I just don't see it ever happening. Finding a guy that I care about who cares about me too. It just seems so impossible.

I'm such an angsty teenager =] haha.

Emma told me the other day that I'm an open person, and for the first time I really realized that I am. I guess this blog is a testament to that haha. But I guess there are a lot of things that I hide too. But who knows; I surely don't. Like I've said, I don't really understand myself much.

Well, inspiration today is a picture by saccharinesmile and a quote from the song Goodbye by Smith Point.

"I believe in what you do, I've always believed in you- despite the words they say. So don't walk away this time, we've made it through so much worse; I don't want to run."

Dream On

2008-04-28T09:16:00.006-04:00

So yesterday was the worst day I've had in a long while. Here is how it went: I got home from church and was yelled at by my dad for the millionth thing this week; for something that I thought I was actually doing RIGHT for once. So I went up to my room and pretty much stayed there until this morning; 18 hours. Except for coming out twice to eat. But now I'm feeling really sick. But at least I got a lot of sleep. And lots of time to think.

It's just like, I can't do anything right. Nothing that I do will ever be enough, so why try? I follow all the 20 million rules we have at our house. And I don't argue with him like Ali does, even when I disagree. And I let him say whatever he wants to about me and my life and boys, without saying anything. But you know, it will never be enough.

And I talked to my real dad on the phone on Thursday; and nothing I do for him will ever be enough either. To him, I can't be a nurse, I need to be a nurse practitioner or a doctor. I need to be graduating now. I need to be a genius and make a ton of money. And he wants me to force my mom to let us see him. But I can't do that. I'm tired of being stuck between the two of them. I'm tired of arguing about whats right and whats wrong. Telling them what I think isn't enough.

And I'll never be a good enough friend. No matter how much I'm there or how much I care, its not like I can really ever make them happy. And no matter how hard I try, its not like I can make someone care about me or trust me or want to be with me.

And I could go on about all the other things that I thought about yesterday that make me insufficient to other people, but this is already starting to sound like some kind of pity party. But its not; I just know that a lot of people can probably relate to these kind of feelings.

Second thing, I came to a conclusion over the course of the weekend. I need to stop being hopeful. Hope is probably the main source of any depression that I feel.

If you never get your hopes up, then they can't be crushed. Then you can't feel like an idiot. Then you don't have to lose your dignity. Then it won't hurt so much when something doesn't happen.

So, no more hoping. No more saying that I know something good is going to happen. Because it hurts when it doesn't happen; and I realize that it won't ever happen.

Anyways, I don't feel good, so I'm going to go take some medicine, wait for Gabriella to take her nap, and then go to sleep again. Todays inspiration is "Rescued" by Jack's Mannequin, and a picture by TheMadScientist.

"Two to one; Static to the sound of you and I undone for the last time. Oh, say you'll miss me one last time and I'll be strong"

Photographs and Memories

2008-04-23T10:47:00.008-04:00

So the past week has been weird to say the least. Do you ever just feel like you can't figure anything out? and you feel like there's an answer right in front of you, but you just can't get to it? That's how I've been feeling.

I'm just trying to figure out if the thing that I want is the right thing for me and if it will make me happier in the end or if it will even work out if I try. But there is just so much doubt and confusion and anxiety and fear in me that I don't know what I should do.

And don't get me wrong, its not like I sit here and obsess over it all the time in a deep depression; generally speaking, things are very good and I'm very happy. It's just that with the lack of other things to worry me, this seems to be weighing on my mind a lot. Not to mention that writing again in the novel hasn't helped much with the matter, it reminds me of a lot of things that I try to block out. But oh well.

Anyway, last night I started making a list of all the things that I would want in a guy. And I realized that a big part of it is that I want to be able to make him happy. I want to be able to be someone that he wants to be around and be able to make him smile whenever he sees me. I want to make him happy. And then it made me kind of sad to realize that there is probably a total of one person that I can make happy, and that person is not a boy. So I guess it was a little disheartening. I've just gotten to the point where I think it will be a long time before I'm in a "relationship" (that seems like too serious of a word for a teenager to be using, but oh well) where I can make someone happy and they can make me happy. And it makes me sad. Because, as I've already said, I want that feeling of belonging again. And I want that fun and excitement of having a boyfriend. But oh well, there is nothing I can do about that. Any boy that I like, I can't make him happy. And any guy that likes me, he can't make me happy. So I'm kinda missing things all around.

Oh, and second topic. I'll try to make this short because I know that this entry is already getting kind of long and disjointed. But I've been getting that second-best feeling. I guess it comes with having such awesome friends like Emma and Sarah, but its like, everyone I know likes one of my friends better than they like me. I know that it's probably just one of those insecure type feelings, but the two of them are just so fantastic that I feel like I'll never be able to measure up. I mean, its not like I think that everyone doesn't like me or anything, its just sometimes I just feel like a stand-in for someone better, you know? Like, I'll never be enough for someone, that I'm just there until something better comes along. But insecurity is ever present, and its not like this is a big deal. Just thought that I would share and see if anyone (my imaginary readers) has felt the same way.

And just a quick side note. I said this earlier, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm depressed or unhappy. I realized that it probably seems like it in this blog, that all I do is sit around and think about all the negative things, but I really don't. This blog I guess has just become my way of getting out those thoughts about things that worry me. There are a lot of wonderfully fantastic things in my life, but there is so much that I would never be able to write it all down. And writing out my worries does me a lot of good. It takes some kind of weight off of me I guess.

Anyway, my daily inspiration is a sweet quote that I found today. And the picture is one of my own.

"I always want to be with you. You make me feel great, and I love being with you, and talking to you, and being close to you, and holding your hand, and all those little things. Gosh I'm so crazy about you. I want to be with you all the time. Just me and you."

Over My Head

2008-04-17T07:16:00.004-04:00

So, first matters of business =] Kudos to Emma Baker (half of the famous Emri SMAKER haha) for being the first one to comment on my blog. She is probably the only person who has read it and for that, I appreciate her so much. She is pretty much awesome and I love her to death.

This week has definitely not been the best. I have a lot on my mind and I've been by myself all week, with the exception of Monday. I think I'm starting to understand why stay-at-home moms get depressed; you have so much time to think.

And I've been thinking about a lot. And I think it really comes down to the fact that people really confuse me.

The first group of people are arrogant jerks. You know, there were these guys the other day that were giving me crap about my friends and about me. They were doing it in a way that I couldn't say anything about it because they tried to make it seem like they weren't being mean; but they were. They were being jerks. And it just drives me crazy because they do it all the time with everyone. They are always tearing other people down and making them feel like crap. And I mean, it shouldn't bother me, but it does. Because the reason they do it is because we don't worship the ground they walk on; so I wish they would stop their "let-me-grace-you-with-my-presence" attitude, because they aren't all that. And they are not all high and mighty. And they are driving me crazy. I can't say anything without them giving me the "you're-an-idiot" look. And I mean, I hate that look. That look is the reason I used to be so shy and quiet. It isn't because I didn't want to talk, I just didn't want for people to look at me like an idiot. So I wish they would just stop. And the sad thing, is that they try to act like we're friends and that they are graciously allowing me to be friends with them. Well, guess what? I don't want to be friends with them, so they can just leave me alone. Oh and they need to leave the people I care about alone too, because bashing on them isn't cool either. Just because we don't worship them doesn't mean they need to nit-pick us apart. And now its more than just those guys from the other day, there are a lot of people who are like that and they confuse me; and make me mad.

Anyways, the second group of people that confuse me are guys. They confuse me to no end. Nothing they do makes sense to me. But maybe I'm just an idiot. I'd like to semi-understand them some day though. There are specific things, but I'm probably just overthinking things and so I'm going to keep this confusion to myself and hope that it passes.

The next group would be people who are constantly shouting their opinions in order to start an arguement. My dad is one of those people: its always about politics or boys or my life or my music or really anything. Its drives me freaking crazy.

Next group consists of myself; I don't understand myself at all sometimes.

But maybe all of this is just temporary; this week has just been a bad week. At least I'm pretty good at pretending.

Next week will be better though, I'm promising myself that.

Well, time for the daily inspiration. The quote is from "How To Save A Life" by The Fray, and the picture is by faerie-corpse69. The thing about this quote is that every time I hear I get something different out of it. By the way, the music video to this song is amazing if you haven't seen it.

"Between the lines of fear and blame, you begin to wonder why you came. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life."

Keep Holding On

2008-04-14T09:04:00.006-04:00

I had more bad dreams last night and the night before; it reminded me how jealous of a person I am. I try not to be though.

Anyways, thats totally irrelevant with all the things I could be talking about right now. So on Sunday I got a new cousin =] Mandy had a baby girl and named her Tilly Anne. She's really cute. And then Sunday night, I was informed about the end of a relationship.

I guess life is just like that- so many beginnings and ends that all kind of weave themselves together to become life. It amazes me when I really think about it. And I suppose that every day is a beginning and an end and they just run into each other over time. Sometimes when I think about it I resent it; just resent time for bringing good things to an end. But other times I guess its hopeful; it helps you to know that there is an end to pain and there is always a new beginning every day.

Right now I'm seeing time as hopeful I guess. haha, as stupid as it is to say, I'm ready for some kind of relationship. You know, just to have a guy that I like to like me back and then just go for it. I mean, its been almost a year since I've had that. I mean, there have been other little things that don't really count. But yeah, thats what I want. Its my fault really for being so picky. I don't know, it just feels like its been so long since I've really felt that feeling of being able to fit right into someone's arms and know that they want you there. And I mean, I guess everyone wants that right? That feeling of being wanted by someone that you want too. I just miss it.

And on a related note, boys just really confuse me. Friendships with boys confuse me. haha.

Anyways, I should probably end this and do all the things that I'm supposed to be doing. Today I'm going with a quote from One Tree Hill =] It was from the episode last night. So, here's a picture by stuh and the quote below it is from Peyton.

"I come in here and sit in silence and hear the echoes of what we used to be."

All the Same

2008-04-11T11:37:00.012-04:00

So, dreams are a funny thing. 9 times out of 10 they suck in one way or another- for me at least. I either have some sort of nightmare or I have a really good dream that makes me sad when I wake up because I realize it wasn't real. I had a night full of those last night and I kind of wished I could have dreamed like that forever and never had to wake up.

I haven't really decided which dreams are worse, the bad ones or the good ones.

It really perplexes me about what dreams actually are. What do you think? I'm still really unsure. All I know is that the mind is one incredible thing.

But anyways, last nights dreams got me thinking; I realize that I'm really missing something right now. And I just don't know how to get it. I think I finally know exactly what I want, and now that I know what I want- I can't have it. I still can't decide which is worse, not knowing what you want at all? or knowing what you want and having no means to ever get it? I mean, you can wish all you want to, but it only makes it that much more dissapointing in the end.

I have decided that dreams are stupid and that they are only there to remind you of things you don't want to think about. =/

Moving on though, I decided today that if my life was a greek tragedy then my tragic flaw would be the fact that I'm ruled by my emotions and my boy-weakness. Two really pathetic things in my opinion haha. What do you think yours are?

Ah I like how I address this to people, saying "you" and asking questions, when in actuality there is probably not one person who has read any of this or will ever comment. But thats okay =] because its still fun.

Anyways, time for some inspiration. The song is "Broken" by Lifehouse (one of my favorite songs ever) and the picture is by SnnR on DA.

"I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts."

Facing Up

2008-04-09T14:05:00.005-04:00

So, due to the immense response I had yesterday to my entry I thought that it would be best that I wrote more. (yes, that was sarcasm haha) But I don't care, I'm going to write more anyways. Anyways, so it baffles me when boys say that girls are confusing. Maybe its because I'm a girl that I can't understand that, but maybe boys are just kind of slow because we aren't really that hard to figure out. I just don't think that majority of boys really pay enough attention to get it haha =]

So here are some general rules about girls, or at least in my opinion they pretty much apply to all girls.

One: This is the biggest rule of all because all the other rules come from this one rule. And it definitely applies to all girls. All girls are psycho. All of them. And if they tell you they aren't, then they are lying. And once you really understand this, then you don't really have anything else to figure out. And now in the following rules I'll tell you just why we are psycho =] haha.

Two: We are emotional basket-cases. One minute we're angry, then we're crying, and then we totally clam up. But it doesn't really have to be that way really; a lot of the times we just need someone to talk to. And most of the time we need someone to make us tell them. And I mean, we will tell you we are fine or that we are being stupid or that we don't want to talk about it. But 9 times out of 10 we do, we just need to know that someone cares enough. I know that should be confusing, but really its not.

Three: We overanalyze everything. Which is why its so hard that boys never tell us what they are thinking. Because then we have to guess and thats why we come to crazy conclusions. So clamming up around girls really does you no good because they will just come to some sort of insane assumption.

Four: We are very very very scared of being hurt emotionally. So if a girl cares about you but suddenly starts acting weird its because shes trying to make sure she isnt going to get hurt. So when a girl acts strange, just ask her why. Most of the time she just wants to know if you notice.

Five: Almost all girls have very low self-confidence. I'm sure that you already knew that. But what you might not know, is that most teenage girls' confidence comes directly from boys. We obsess about what you think of us. Even girls that act like they've got all this confidence, they are probably faking it. They have things that they are really insecure about. Believe me, we will just stand in front of the mirror in a group and talk about all the things we don't like about ourselves. All girls do it. And most of them do it because they need other peoples' approval about how they look. Honestly we could live off compliments.

Six: If we care about you then we don't care about how much money you spend on us. We just want you to spend time with us. It confuses me at how boys think that buying things for us is a big deal. Because we just like you to spend time on us. End of Story.

Seven: There is this crazy thing called PMS that boys think is blown out of proportion. Let me tell you- it isnt. Psychoness is multiplied by 100 when we are PMSing. So honestly, you can't truly understand us at that time, because we don't even understand ourselves.

Eight: We are very afraid of looking clingy. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are being annoying and following a guy around. So that is why we sometimes don't come up to you or ignore you or something like that. It isn't because we don't care.

Nine: We are evil and scheming. All of us. I mean, not that we're not nice or anything, but none of us are completely nice. We are all manipulating in one way or another haha. You just have to figure out the difference between the mean ones that are using the scheming to hurt other people and the ones that just scheme to get what they want or to find out something. I hope that made sense haha.

And Ten: We are psycho. haha. Just needed to reiterate.

So now I will let you in on a five quick secrets =]

One: It is impossible for a girl to like a boy who can't really make her laugh.

Two: We just want you to be yourself, you don't have to act any certain way or care about what other people think. We like you how you are.

Three: No matter how hott you are, an ugly personality will make you actually look ugly. And a good personality makes a guy sooo much cuter.

Four: We like it when you do stupid things. And we like it when you do little sweet things. Girls notice everything, so even the little things mean so much.

Five: A girl cant stay mad at you if you do one of the following things: hug her, make her laugh, make her smile, or take her hand. Believe me, those are all very very very easy ways to the end of an arguement haha.

So there you go. I doubt that anyone will read even half of this. But I think that I did a pretty good job at telling some truths about girls. Maybe next time I tell you all of the things that confuse me about boys and they can answer =] haha.

Alright, I'll leave with some inspiration! Song is "The Show Must Go On" (the Moulin Rouge version, b/c its my favorite) And the photo is from the artist Trinket on DeviantArt =]

"Outside the dawn is breaking, but inside in the dark I'm aching to be free. The show must go on."

kay, bye guys <3

First Time

2008-04-08T13:31:00.006-04:00

Well, here goes nothing. haha, looks like its time for another blog. My old one was really just me blabbing on and on and on about my life. I don't know, maybe this one will be a little different. And maybe somewhere along the way I'll think of something you think is profound.

So today poppy brought home this folder thing from Wachovia all about financing for college, and I realized that while I want to start college in the fall- I have a whopping $30 to my name. And the likeliness of getting anything more than $500 by the fall is slim. And you know, I realized that I don't want to grow up. I mean, last year I would have told you that I'm so excited for college and being an adult and starting a family and having a job and blah blah blah. I remember someone asking me if I was ever scared and I said no with 100% honesty. Now though I'm starting to realize why Peter Pan didn't ever want to grow up. It's scary. You have to start dealing with responsibility and life and everything else. I mean, time is flying. And I guess I just don't want it to be over without some kind of adventure. I'm just so ready for some kind of excitement or adventure. I mean, back to the Peter Pan analogy, Wendy left on this adventure before she returned home to grow up. I want that I guess. I just feel like there is nothing extraordinary going on, and I want to have something amazing happen now before I have to start worrying about money and college and life. Does anyone else feel the same way about any of these things? Drop me a comment if you do. Actually, just drop me a comment in general haha.

Alright, so I'm going to share a couple cool things with you that I guess I'll call my daily inspiration. And todays will be the song "Paperthin Hymn" by Anberlin. It's really good, you should listen to it. And to go with that I've got a picture and quote from the song =] The picture is from ch-noah, an artist on DeviantArt.

"I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands."

Kay, bye guys. <3